27 Days +Ve

We're now week 8 (of our 40ww).

One week to go before our next scan.

I continue to hope that everything will go well, that it won’t all be taken away. I'm still too scared to be happy. How sad.

For Mr. S – seeing was believing. He saw a little creature with a big beating heart so now tells me I have nothing to worry about.

‘You’re not still worried are you?’
‘Yes, but I’m trying not to, I know that if this is meant to be it will be.’
‘But, you must be worried less than before?’
‘Yeah I guess so’.

No I’m not, I'm just as worried as before, but the day after our scan Mr. S had to go to America, so these conversations are happening on the phone. He hasn’t gone for business, but family reasons, a close relative was seriously ill and has since passed away. He got there in time to say goodbye and will stay a few days after the funeral.

I certainly felt the pressure for the scan to be good!

The doc said it would be okay for me to travel, but recommended support hose, drinking lots of water, and being one of those annoying people that roam around and around the plane (to prevent blood clots!)

I decided that I didn’t want to put anymore pressure on myself, so stayed home.

I don’t mind, with the house empty, I don’t have to keep pretending I’m not worrying about anything ...

I would appear to be someone that experiences only mild ‘p’ symptoms, I’m extremely tired and hate how often I have to go to the loo, but have not had my head down the toilet bowl. I seem to experience nausea only when I smell something really strong or I’m hungry. My symptoms also come and go, so because that’s happened from the beginning, it’s not freaking me out the way it used to. It doesn’t surprise me that I’m like this – I never really had any reaction to all the hormonal drugs I took when cycling either.

Of course I know all these symptoms could be related to the hormonal support drugs I still take ...

Did I mention I’m still seeing the kinesiologist? I know I haven't, but the thing is, I’ve done abit of an about turn on that, I still don’t really understand it, but I’m finding it a great help. I’m hesitant to write it up (superstitious), but if all goes well with the scan next week I might ...

Scan

We have ...

A healthy heartbeat - I saw it for myself!

A measurement = 8.5mm

We even have a due date: 9th September.

We also have our next scan booked: 4th February

I spent all day wondering how I would feel if everything went well and I saw a heartbeat, everytime I thought about it, I felt like crying. When it came to actually seeing it - I was happy ... and fascinated ... I was looking at a little sea creature with a huge beating heart!

All going well on our next scan, we will then have a less than 2% chance of failure. Right now, we're in the same category as anyone - and that includes anyone fertile!

'See now we don't have to worry anymore' Mr. S said.
'The doc. said my worries and fears were perfectly NORMAL, and there was nothing anyone could do about it'

So there.

The doc. also said that if I wanted a celebratory glass of champagne, that would also be perfectly acceptable!

Distraction

Four sleeps to get through until scan.

In the meantime, I’ve had a face to face drive-by at work to help keep me distracted.

‘Oh Sparkle I’m pregnant with my second, I’m past 12 weeks now so I can tell everyone’
‘Congratulations, how lovely for you’
‘Well, we figured we should just do it, our first is going to be three by the time the baby is born.’

Hmmm, here’s the stuff that was running around my head:

Will I make 12 weeks?
How would I tell people?
If I hadn’t miscarried, my first would have been 3 too.

It’s kind of on a loop going round.

I have a suspicion there’s another one close by, another preggy at work, I’m too scared to have it confirmed just yet ... at least not until after Monday. God my senses are still so finely tuned to this, I always seem to want time to get my head straight, so I can act normal.

I don't know why I think I can keep myself at arms length from everything, it’s a fools game.

My chiropractor told me she had a couple of lovely maternity dresses she’d bring in for me ... dresses she hadn’t been able to wear herself.

‘Don’t give me anything yet!’ I said ... politely [but panicked] –
She gets it, she’s been trying to have her second baby for 4 years and has been through several miscarriages.
‘I know, not yet’. She said.

Not yet anything.

13 Days +Ve

I spoke to the clinic yesterday and after working out my dates, I’m now having my scan on the 22nd January.

That’s good, except that in the last couple of days I’ve had my doubts about whether there will be anything to see.

Signs disappearing and coming back again are driving me crazy.

Since the appointment is on Monday, I don’t think I can stand the thought of another beta. If it’s low, they’re going to tell me to wait and see the scan anyway.

Today I feel sick. I’m convinced I feel sick because my body is getting ready to miscarry.

God what a misery.

The other day when I was deep in my miserable thoughts, I had typically withdrawn myself into my shell hoping for solitude. Mr. S. sensing it and reacting, as he always does, like the annoying child on the beach, poking at a crab with a stick trying to force it out ...

‘How are you feeling? Everything okay? Are you Happy?’
‘Listen, I go through times when I think this is all over, okay?’
‘Right, that explains the mood swings, you should really try and be positive’
‘Hey, this is NORMAL! I’m not going to be told that I can’t react the same way as any other Infertile Person’.
‘[Sigh] I thought when we got a positive result everything would be happy’.
‘No it’s not happy, we’ve got miles to go’

Once an Infertile, always an Infertile – there is no Departure Lounge.

Squatter - Updated

Name one good thing about having a friend turn up in Sydney unannounced - who expects to be put up?

When they hug you – it’s confirmation that your boobs are still sore.

‘Owww!
‘What’s wrong’?
‘Oh ... nothing ... I’ve just got a headache’.

That’s the only thing ... because frankly I’m fucking pissed off. All I want to do is to have some couch and TV time for the next few weeks - and not have to think about anyone else.

I’m so annoyed, that I decided I didn’t want to have to discuss our latest news. It’s our news to tell when we want – not just because a friend has decided to invade our lives without checking first. Oh you know those childless couples - they'll put anyone up at the drop of a hat ... don't we just love entertaining?

‘Oh, are you having a lunch break today, I can come and meet you’?
‘Okay, I’ll text when I know what time’

Blood test at 9am this morning.

Hmmmm

Text – ‘Sorry, not going to be able to take a lunchbreak today’.

If timing is similar to last week, my results are going to come in bang in the middle of lunch. I want to discuss these with the nurse in private and pass on to Mr. S and Star without any intrusion.

UPDATE:
Nice Nurse just rang ...

'Can I chat, I've got good news?'
'Yep'

HCG = 6430
Progesterone = 60

Today is Day 23, not sure how to work out all the doubling stuff ...

'Wow!'
'Progesterone has dropped, but the doctor isn't worried about that, keep going with the Prog*nova and pessaries ...'
'Okay'
'The doctor said that you are to ring the clinic on Monday and book in for a scan on the 31st January'
'Okay, that's a way away ...'
'Yes, but it's better, some people go too early then have to wait another week'.
'Okay, but if I want another reassuring blood test before then?'
'No worries'

Star and I have already conferred - we're both reeling - we can't believe this could work out well after the way our cycle went.
'Three weeks isn't far away' she said
'Star - it may as well be 3 years - every day is torture'

Then we both giggled.

4 Days +Ve

Last night I had my best nights sleep since we got our positive news.

The main problem I'm experiencing is that my mind is racing - all day and all night.

I'm trying not to live in fear of what could go wrong, I figure that if things do go pear-shaped, worrying now is not going to cushion me. I learnt that following my miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago.

I've told both Mr. S and Star that getting these results is close to two weeks earlier than 'normal fertile people', so we have to be mindful of that, and be cautiously happy as we get through the next few weeks.

I have a follow-up beta next Wednesday. I figured if I held out longer, hopefully we will see a nice rise.

My clinic says that with my levels they aren't worried about anything, but they know we all like the peace of mind.

I have to make an appointment for an ultrasound - 3 weeks from our blood test. My doctors office doesn't open till the 15th, so I'll get one then.

This morning the headache I'd had since last Wednesday, finally seems to have gone - apparently this is a common thing - due to increased blood flow.

Mr. S went to the chemist to get me some tablets -
'I checked with them what to get - I told them I needed something for my pregnant wife'
'HOW FUNNY! Did it seem strange saying that?'
'No, I liked being able to say it'

Good Sign Updated

I stared at the phone so long I thought my laser eyes were gonna make it combust!

Finally the call:

HCG = 200
Progesterone = 80

'Happy' with both levels the nurse said. (Today is Day 16).

Stay on Prog*nova and Prog. pessaries

I've already spoken to my doctor - made him call me back while he's on holiday. He's happy for me to keep getting betas to make sure I'm doubling.

Star and I have already spoken for ages. She said she had all her leftover needles and unused medication and was ready to go again.

We're both still sad about our lost embies.

BUT we're ready for our next milestones.

Thank you everyone who comes to visit, I know following my story to this point has not been for the faint-hearted.

Good Sign

Well that’s the blood test out of the way, now to drum fingers until I get the call.

Overnight I became convinced that the blood test is going to come back negative.

Scenarios going round and round in my head.

‘Well I’ve got my second opinion appointment coming up’ I thought, ‘gotta get all the information together, ask Star to put a written request in for all her info ...’

You get the drift.

Slept pretty well, you know when you’ve resigned yourself to something, it takes all the pressure off.

This morning Mr. S said he was going to drive me – since I’m going to work afterwards and he’s staying home!

The other day, when my friend was doing her PT, I decided to give her a few of my spares in case she wanted to do a double check. Yeah I had 4 unused packets in my cupboard – does that make me certifiable in this community?

Anyhow, I noticed one that was due to expire December 2006 that had come with an OPK.

‘If I’m sure it’s negative, why don’t I use that one, I mean it’s not like I’m going to double check a negative once it’s confirmed – and the test has expired’.

So, I went to the loo to make my 'comfort stop' before getting in the car.

TWO PINK LINES!

Shit, where’s the instruction sheet, NO WHERE TO BE SEEN!

‘Good sign, doesn't look like we need to paint one on!’ said Mr. S
‘Good sign’ said the nurse.
‘Good sign’ said Star

In that order.

Now at least three of us are holding our breath.

More later.

Last Day

Tomorrow at 9am I have my blood test. With it being the first day back from the holidays for the clinic, who knows what time I'll hear back.

Am I still hopeful? Yes.

I'm over trying to protect myself - if it's negative I'll be disappointed - fearing that now is not going to help. If that's the way it goes, I'll want to feel bad, or will I want to feel nothing for a day or two?

We all know the deal here - if it's a strong embie - it will have implanted. This embie is the strongest we will have transferred - over 7 cycles.

I've had sore boobs pretty much for the last week - that could mean anything - including the fact that my body is just being responsive to the progesterone pessaries.

Last night I had more tummy rumbling - but today there is still no blood.

My 'brown blood' incident happened last Friday - another time where I thought 'well this is it'.

These pessaries could be SO powerful they are holding back my period. But the fact is, today I don't have it and that's all I know.

I think losing all the rest of the embies in the beginning - in a warped way - was great preparation for a 2WW. News doesn't come much worse than that - so now let's just see what happens.

Star is anxious too, she can't wait to hear.

Unfortunately I'm keeping everyone in suspense - no pissing on anything. I don't want to be trying to convince myself of anything - I want the scientific result.

That's the only thing I'm going to believe at this point. Good or Bad.

New Year

Happy New Year! I like those numbers – a double 0 7.

Two days to go to blood test.

In the last 6 days I have had the following symptoms together and at different times: Sore boobs, keen sense of smell, brown discharge, bloating, tiredness and last night the mother of all – my all-too-familiar pre-period tummy rumble.

That happened sometime after midnight. After a somewhat sober (well a splash of champagne with orange juice) night. We had spent the night with friends and had the ‘perfect view’ of the harbour and fireworks.

Don’t like this feeling, I thought, then took myself to bed.

Alarm went off at 5.30 (we forgot to turn it off), so I did a loo run. Tentative CSI wipe = nothing.

Back to Bed.

But not to Sleep.

Worse rumbling, was it cramping? Who knows, but it was what I get when I get my period.

Shit.

‘Deal with it’ I told myself ‘stop kidding yourself it’s anything else but your body telling you that your period is on the way’.

Somehow after that telling off, I got to sleep. I’ll deal with the blood bath in the morning.

This morning I thought, I’m not doing the wipe, if there’s blood, it can just show itself.

Nothing. So in went another pessary.

Cramping has subsided, but while everyone else has alcohol hangovers, mine is purely ‘pessary’.

Not going near a piss-stick either. As my friend told me, who did one yesterday (she was a week late and wanted to know if she could drink last night) – ‘one fucking line, I’m going to paint the other one on’!