IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

13 Days +Ve

I spoke to the clinic yesterday and after working out my dates, I’m now having my scan on the 22nd January.

That’s good, except that in the last couple of days I’ve had my doubts about whether there will be anything to see.

Signs disappearing and coming back again are driving me crazy.

Since the appointment is on Monday, I don’t think I can stand the thought of another beta. If it’s low, they’re going to tell me to wait and see the scan anyway.

Today I feel sick. I’m convinced I feel sick because my body is getting ready to miscarry.

God what a misery.

The other day when I was deep in my miserable thoughts, I had typically withdrawn myself into my shell hoping for solitude. Mr. S. sensing it and reacting, as he always does, like the annoying child on the beach, poking at a crab with a stick trying to force it out ...

‘How are you feeling? Everything okay? Are you Happy?’
‘Listen, I go through times when I think this is all over, okay?’
‘Right, that explains the mood swings, you should really try and be positive’
‘Hey, this is NORMAL! I’m not going to be told that I can’t react the same way as any other Infertile Person’.
‘[Sigh] I thought when we got a positive result everything would be happy’.
‘No it’s not happy, we’ve got miles to go’

Once an Infertile, always an Infertile – there is no Departure Lounge.


At January 16, 2007 4:29 pm , Blogger Justice said...

Hi Sparkle

I so know what you are going through and honestly I have to say, from my experience, you can relax when you are holding that healthy beautiful baby in your arms..until then its all gonna be a bit stressful. I would think your nausea is a good thing..its the quick upswing in hormones/levels of whatever isnt it that gives you that feeling. Hang in there - poor DH, he was gleefully naiive enough to think its all fun from here on in..in the fertile world it usually. Thinking of the three of you!

At January 16, 2007 4:42 pm , Blogger three minute palaver said...

I'll hold my breath and cross my fingers and toes for your Monday ultrasound. I really hope everything is totally normal and growing at the right rate. I know how important it is that this one sticks, so I understand the fear factor is enormous. I'll be thinking of you.

At January 16, 2007 4:46 pm , Anonymous seepi said...

Noone should have to put up with this stress.
but you can do it.
Huge good vibes for the 22nd.

_ My symptoms all dissapeared early on in my pregnancy, and I had one lowish beta, so I thought it was all over and had a few drinks. It wasn't though - it is all just horribly unpredictable.

At January 16, 2007 5:05 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was always told to stay positive- it's easier said than done. I would try and stay positive, I never intended to be negative, but unless you are living it, the fear can be indescribable.
Good luck to you, I hope you stay well

At January 17, 2007 8:37 am , Blogger Lut said...

'Try and be positive' sounds a lot like 'just relax'. ARGGHHH!!

So far so good? One day at a time?

The symptoms coming and going is apparantly just as normal as persistent symptoms or no symptoms. Aren't you glad. :-)

At January 17, 2007 1:29 pm , Blogger Kris said...

The rule should be that if you get pregnant after IF, pg symptoms should be subtle but ever present. I'm sorry that the universe doesn't proscribe to my world view... hope all is well on the 22nd.


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