So Tired

It’s hit me, I’m exhausted.

Early start this morning for blood test: E2 = 216

This is apparently too low, they prefer to see the levels at 500 at this stage, so I have to increase my Puregon dose to 300 ml. This has never happened to me before… fear is starting to creep in.

Next blood test will be Friday, plus the famous dildocam ultrasound to see how I’m responding. If the blood test is anything to go by, not well.

Bugger, now I’ve got more stuff to worry about. So much for CFG's 'Perfect Start'.

I’m dead on my feet today, but somehow I have to find the energy to go to a play tonight, ‘Festen’ at the Opera House. We’re meeting a couple of my friends for a pre-play feed and drink. This is something I usually look forward to, but all I’m thinking is, I wonder if anyone will notice if I have a snooze in the dark.

Sunday and night were great. No pregnancy announcements, C&D haven’t started trying yet (remember that innocent feeling?). D spoke with C and told him some of what we’ve been thru, so maybe the horror of our experience will spur them on to start.

Emiliana Torrini was wonderful. She had the lovely ‘Bjork’ accent and told little stories about her life before each song. Her new album ‘Fisherman’s Woman’ is chock full of charm, songs that make you just want to stand on the spot and sway.

I’m also losing my marbles.

Monday, my first day back at work after 2 weeks off, and I’ve walked all the way to the train station, queued up to buy my ticket and can’t find my wallet. I’m running home and calling D, manically asking him to search the house. Swearing in my head all the way, retracing my steps and checking in the kerbs. Arrive home to the living room thoroughly searched and no wallet. I’m now crying and cursing that I’ll have to cancel all my cards, and can’t get to work while I just quickly check my backpack.

Wallet.

I never put my wallet in my backpack. It’s where I put my book to read on the train and banana.

‘It’s these bloody drugs’ I scream at D, ‘I’m losing my mind’!

‘It’s good’ he says, ‘now there’s nothing to worry about, don’t panic I’ll drive you to work’. Bless ‘im.

Now all I need is one of those George Castanza beds rigged up under my desk.

Home Again

We got home last night, and haven't had time to scratch myself yet!

The week away was wonderful, far north Queensland is a tropical paradise. Air temperature 32 C (that's 90 F) and water temperature 28 C (82 F!), it's like swimming in a salty bath! We're lucky because D's parent have an apartment that we're allowed to use, which is literally over the road from the beach. There are only ever 20 or 30 other people on the beach.

So, apart from the every 8-hour synarel nightmare getting me up at 6am, it was totally relaxing. We did have to go and get another blood test and have it faxed to Sydney, but that's all part of the fun.

The nurse told me everything was fine to start stims today, but for the first time, I asked for my results: E2 - 89
LH - 5.3
P4 - 2

None of this meant anything to me, but I saw CFG this morning and she said it was a 'perfect start - LH of a 20 year old' (is she exaggerating?). She seemed to think that was the most important one - like FSH.

So today I started my day 1. of Puregon injections (200ml), next blood tests on Wednesday.

Think the first ultrasound will be on Friday.

I also think today is my 14th week on DHEA, so it'll be interesting to see if this makes any difference to anything - in particular follicle stimulation.

So that's that for the moment.

D and I have one of the most social weeks we've had all year coming up - can't believe how things work out. Our best friends C&D have come home from the US for the next two weeks (I'm petrified that they'll have a pregnancy announcement ... not that I won't be happy for them ... I'm just scared about how I'll react at the time ... I know, this is getting very old).

On Sunday we're catching up with a huge crowd for a welcome home yum cha (think that's called dim sum in US?), then that night we're going to see Emilianna Torini (sp?), anyone heard of her? She's part Icelanic/Italian and has a voice like honey. Wednesday night we are going to a play at the Opera House, Thursday night is designated posh dinner with C&D, then Friday we head to the country for 2 days for the wedding of one of my oldest friends.

All this, through the next week of stimming then pick up (or is it drop off?)

All this and we're not meant to be drinking or doing anything fun ...

IF is shit, but thank goodness we still have a life.

Kicked Off

Well I've officially kicked off this cycle.

I've been taking provera for the last 6 days, started sniffin' synarel and had my blood test to confirm that this cycle was yet another negative.

Oooh joy the acidic, metallic taste of synarel dripping down the back of my throat at 6am in the morning.

I got to see CFG today and there was no one else looming around. We chatted about what schools she sending her kids too, and she advised me to have a girl - her daughter is not as hard work as her son.

All this allowed me to work up the courage to tell her I thought I might take a break from the herbal teas and only take the supplements for egg quality and acupuncture. Of course, I'd stressed myself out about this conversation, but she completely agreed 'take a break'.

We decided that once I get to the transfer stage (fingers crossed), then I'll start taking the teas again.

D has new a new liver tonic from his new MF-CFG and he's not going to take his teas either (well for the moment).

I had an extended acupuncture session today, and actually managed to fall asleep. I got the works, a needle for headache, needles for sleeplessness and some extra on my feet for I don't remember what.

I left the Fertility House with a lightness I hadn't felt in a long time, and at a price I could afford $58! This is the lowest bill I have ever had.

I think I calculated we will save somewhere around $150 a week by cutting out the teas.

I can't shake the feeling that this cycle will end just like all the others, but before we make other decisions I think we have to give this another shot.

Tomorrow I get to head off to far north queensland and take a break from work, and get relaxed before the business end of this cycle. I just checked the temperatures and it looks like it'll be 31 - 32 degrees for the next week. YAY!

Since this blog is a secret from D, I'll have to sneak away to the internet cafe down the road to check in and write another post.

IF stole my

Rose Tinted Lenses and I’ll never get them back!

Along with my innocence and naivety on everything to do with pregnancy.

I was never the agenda-bound pregnancy-to-be woman. I loathed the endless analysis on how to get pregnant, calendar in hand, thermometer and temperature charts, ovulation kits, books and info on where to put the pillow!
This kind of conversation bored me shitless, and never wanted to enter into it.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was become an expert on all things fertility related, then everything miscarriage related and worst of all – expert in everything to do with IVF.

Now I’m going for the PhD in ground-breaking male and female fertility cures.

I couldn’t even imagine setting a date on when to start trying, I never wanted to even get into the mind space of ‘trying’. I certainly never kept track of my cycles.

The first time a doctor asked me what day I was on, I stared at him blankly – ‘ummm I think my period’s due in a week or something’… ‘you’re not even trying yet’ he said. ‘women walk in here with charts and temperatures and could tell me what hour of what day’.

Oh right, I thought, how boring.

I wanted us just to go on as usual and see what happens. I probably even thought then the classic ‘if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.

Naïve and stupid.

I realised how expert I had become when people started announcing their pregnancies … and I noticed that nearly everyone carries the ‘we weren’t even trying yet, and it happened’ line.

But evil me can tell, the minute I hear the word Elevit or BBT I know this is a sham cover up and that everyone wants to be able to say they got pregnant without trying!

Why is this?

Is it ego or vanity?

The conversation still bores me, but if ever I get a chance to tell people we’re pregnant, I wouldn’t even dream of lying about what we’ve been through. I’d carry too much shame that someone else is sitting in the room carrying all the same angst I’ve carried these last few years and cannot stand to listen through all the fluffy bullshit.

Cup Day

Cup Day is usually one of the most fun in the whole year.

It's a day where people get dressed up, go to work in silly hats, organise office sweepstakes, drink beer, champagne, gamble, have fun.

Even if you're not going to a big lunch, most companies usually organise something and at lunchtime everyone stops working, starts drinking and waits until 3.00pm and watches the race.

Well, we were all taken out for lunch, which would normally be great, except I was sandwiched between the 2 pregnant girls I work with. One is great, no fuss just enjoying what's happening, but not obsessively talking about it. The other, well, what do you call the pregnant pain-in-the-ass?

It doesn't matter what the subject it all ends back at pregnancy.

If the topic drops for 2 minutes then the belly rubbing kicks in, just in case our eyes happened to stray away.

Of course every waiter has to be told that they couldn't possible be late with our orders since a pregnant woman needs her food.

How she can't drink on Cup Day because guess what, she's pregnant!

I used to think that this was all about life's lessons and I should just learn from it, but now it just pisses me off.

I know I can't expect every pregnant woman to understand that there may be IF people around, but is it too much to expect that they might stray off the topic onto something else in the course of a 4 hour lunch?

I have to learn to be tolerant, kind, caring, empathetic because I'm IF - what do women that are pregnant women have to learn?

The frigging ante-classes seem to be an absolute crock at teaching anything but how to bore people with the same bloody anecdotes we've all heard a million times before. Yeah we all know the video of the caesarian section is scary, now shut up!

I tell myself that when my time comes I'm going to be the most unobstrusive pregnant woman in the world. But sometimes I think when it happens I just want to round up all the women that have bored me senseless and do the same to them - because I'm sure they'll be just fascinated to hear it all over again. Except that by then the conversations will be about the potty training ...