IF stole my
Rose Tinted Lenses and I’ll never get them back!
Along with my innocence and naivety on everything to do with pregnancy.
I was never the agenda-bound pregnancy-to-be woman. I loathed the endless analysis on how to get pregnant, calendar in hand, thermometer and temperature charts, ovulation kits, books and info on where to put the pillow!
This kind of conversation bored me shitless, and never wanted to enter into it.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was become an expert on all things fertility related, then everything miscarriage related and worst of all – expert in everything to do with IVF.
Now I’m going for the PhD in ground-breaking male and female fertility cures.
I couldn’t even imagine setting a date on when to start trying, I never wanted to even get into the mind space of ‘trying’. I certainly never kept track of my cycles.
The first time a doctor asked me what day I was on, I stared at him blankly – ‘ummm I think my period’s due in a week or something’… ‘you’re not even trying yet’ he said. ‘women walk in here with charts and temperatures and could tell me what hour of what day’.
Oh right, I thought, how boring.
I wanted us just to go on as usual and see what happens. I probably even thought then the classic ‘if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.
Naïve and stupid.
I realised how expert I had become when people started announcing their pregnancies … and I noticed that nearly everyone carries the ‘we weren’t even trying yet, and it happened’ line.
But evil me can tell, the minute I hear the word Elevit or BBT I know this is a sham cover up and that everyone wants to be able to say they got pregnant without trying!
Why is this?
Is it ego or vanity?
The conversation still bores me, but if ever I get a chance to tell people we’re pregnant, I wouldn’t even dream of lying about what we’ve been through. I’d carry too much shame that someone else is sitting in the room carrying all the same angst I’ve carried these last few years and cannot stand to listen through all the fluffy bullshit.
posted by Sparkle @ 5:13 pm
4 Comments:
Don't come and read my blog then. I guarantee it will bore you to tears.
:-)
I understand that you feel you were naïve, but that's only in hindsight.
It made perfect sense at the time. It's an approach that continues to make sense for other people. My super-fertile friends for instance.
I did make the conscious decision to start trying. It's kinda difficult to stop BCP by accident. ;-)
For the first year of TTC I didn't chart or monitor my fertility in any way. That was fun with my irregular cycles.
When the year was over, I was still reluctant to go see a specialist. I learned charting on the internet and wasted another 6 months.
When I did seek treatment, my ob/gyn was just annoyed that I had been reading so much on the subject. Argh!
I think the saddest thing is that it robs you of your innocence about everything else in life by horrible osmosis too.
Just because different things are important to you, that you go about things a different way, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Sadly we have to compromise some of what we like in order to live with infertility, but it's important to hold on to what we can.
I agree about people carrying on about how they weren't trying, accident, first month etc. It shits me as well. I to imagine if I get pregnant again, how I would be mortified if there was someone struggling with IF and I was carying on about those kinds of things.
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