IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Social Lepers!

One of D's old friends has just come home from working o/s for the last few years, and everyone was getting together for a big picnic/bbq yesterday - and it was a beautiful day.

We gave our usual 'unable to make it' line, since we can't bear to go along and be the only couple without babies. Actually not true, us and the single male friends.

It's really all my fault. You see I started finding some social situations very difficult after I'd had a miscarriage. Our pregnancy hadn't made the 12 week mark, so we hadn't told anyone, then because no one knew, who were we going to tell we'd miscarried - and why make such a fuss?

One of the first awful social encounters I had was within 2 weeks of having the D&C. We were out to dinner with a group of friends, one of the couples had a 6 month old baby girl at the time. In casual conversation we were talking about someone else who'd had a miscarriage and SA (mother) says 'well I just never knew what the big deal was with having a miscarriage, I mean in the early days it's just a bunch of cells, but now of course that I have a baby of my own, I'd just be devastated'.

Now, clearly this was not a comment made with malicious intent, it's was a really dumb stupid observation, and she wasn't to know what I'd just gone thru. But I felt horrible and thought horrible things about her and hated it.

As time has gone on I just can't stomach having to smile and nod all day at the big events, when the only topic of conversation seems to be the endlessly repeated birth stories and the never- ending whinging and complaining about parenthood/motherhood.

I don't know if this is a perculiar throw back to the early days in the colonies, when a social event meant all men would stand in one corner drinking beer and all women in the other talking babies or frocks.

I just find it easier staying away from the big gatherings and seeing people in smaller easier-to-handle groups.

At the moment at work there are 6 women on my floor pregnant, and in fact there seems to be about 50 pregnancies at my workplace, so it's not as if I can hide out from all these radiant women. On an everyday level I'm fine, in fact my colleague I sit right next to is 7 months pregnant and has had me feeling her kicking stomach!

It seems that when it comes to close friends I feel marginalised. Maybe because I've known lots of these people from when they were single or pre-baby, that it ends up hitting harder.

I'm just not sure how most people handle this?

I guess we could just start telling everyone what we've been going thru, but then that would mean constantly having to update everyone and sometimes D and I just can't stand talking about it.

Why didn't Jane Austin write a book about a married IF sister, then we'd have a ready made social framework to follow and a few handy witticims!

This blatantly obvious segue way is to mention the new Pride & Prejudice! I bolted out to see the advance screenings because Colin Firth or not, there was a new Darcy to meet. Interesting, my 'party' were all more concerned with Lizzie or Keira Knightly and the fact that we thought she was going to irritate us for the entire movie with her special 'Keira' giggle, but managed to rein it in.

Better go, I'm joining the next hand of whist!


At October 24, 2005 7:18 pm , Anonymous thalia said...

What I don't get about these spammers is why there is actually any point in them spamming - do they actually get any hits? It seems like a lot of effort for not much reward.

Anyway, I feel for you on the upsetting comments that people don't realise are upsetting. it's hard to keep my equilibrium sometimes and then I feel like an idiot for being upset. Oh well. I, like you, have simply tended to hibernate to manage this kind of situation.

Glad you enjoyed P&P. The funny thing is, KK is actually the right age for lizzie bennet. It's just that we're used to these older actresses playing her in a more knowing way.

At October 25, 2005 5:56 am , Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Sometimes I can deal and sometimes I cannot. Sometimes I think I can deal, go and then it becomes a disaster. What's an infertile to do? Drink, usually!

At October 25, 2005 7:37 am , Anonymous Lut C. said...

You know, parties are really overrated. Lot's of blah blah, people talking to loud and flirting with someone other than their significant other. And it always ends with a great mess to clean up. So you're not missing out.

Recycled assvice. ;-)
Is there a smilie for sarcasm?

At October 25, 2005 12:04 pm , Anonymous Lori said...

I have spent more time crying in bathrooms during social gatherings than I would care to admit! After my miscarriage I found it really draining to socialize with people who didn't know about it. I would just go nuts, smiling on the outside, talking about stupid inane stuff while I was falling to pieces on the inside. And people wonder why I drink so much wine...
While I've never been a socialite, since dealing with IF I've been very careful about attending social engagements.
You're definitely not alone.

At October 25, 2005 5:46 pm , Blogger MC said...

It's been 7 months since my miscarriage and I also find it draining to socialise. Ours was at 8 weeks and we were the same, we hadn't told many people and didn't want to make a fuss.
At work there are 4 pregnancies and lots of baby talk. A friend came back today to show us her baby and another friend tried to get me to hold him twice. I couldn't, I barely kept the tears in during my last two classes and the staff meeting afterwards.


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