Not talking about it anymore

We haven’t heard a word.

It’s not unusual that we wouldn’t be in contact – we’re friends that ring each other every couple of months and organise to go out to dinner and catch up. We’re not friends that live in each others pockets.

Nevertheless, I’m taking this whole thing out of the equation (in my mind at least).

I found a local forum to join and find out more, but because I’m so conscious of not wanting to bombard The Butterflies with information, I’m too scared to pass it on.

I think people need to find their own way through this stuff, it’s a personal journey and I think maybe it’s best made without anyone breathing down your neck.

I was thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be easy to ring people up and let them know you’ve decided not to go ahead? I hope not, we’ve made it clear that we have no expectations.

I’m thinking now that we should make an effort to see if we can find another local donor – see if our story will touch anyone who is considering donating. I guess we'd never know unless we tried hey? My instincts are telling me that an anonymous donor is not going to be in the best interests of a future child ... This is huge debate, and not one I'm qualified to lead, but with even the minimum insight we have (the 2-day Adoption Seminar), it seems pretty clear that finding a biological link is the most important thing for an adopted child. Therefore, what reason is there to think that the same wouldn't hold true for a child who was told they were created with a donor egg?

The funny thing is, that the doctor we saw said that 90% of the people she was arranging anonymous donor eggs for, had indicated that they would keep it secret from the child and were not telling any family members.

Anonymous vs known donor eggs aside, Mr. S thinks we should have as many irons in the fire as possible. He says that because people we know that have been at this with dogged determination are all now pregnant.

Meanwhile I still see the new CFG every week – she reckons I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. She still thinks she can help me conceive naturally! I'm not laughing, but it is a way of passing the time. I even took my temperatures this week - to check that I was ovulating.

I know that Acupuncture and Chinese medicine is something I’ve responded well to – it’s suits me. I always have the most amazing sleeps the next few nights after seeing her.

ZZZZzzzz seeing her tomorrow.

Gut Feeling

It’s been more than a week since we discussed the possibility of donor eggs with our friends.

So far we haven’t heard anything. Mr. S did ring and tell them to take all the time they wanted ...

Even so, my gut feeling is that the answer will be no.

I think the longer it takes to make the decision, the more likely the answer will be no. Just a theory.

We know from our doctor’s and from what I’ve read on the internet that a lot of women may initially say yes, but once they’ve had time to absorb what it really means, they get cold feet and back out.

Apparently in most cases it’s the husband that freaks out and can’t handle the idea. I don’t think that will be the case here, Mr. Butterfly is all for it.

We talked so openly about everything, that maybe it’ll be too overwhelming – I guess it’s better to find out now rather than down the track.

I sent her an email with some links to unbiased blogs and forums she might like to read – I read them myself and shivered.

It’s a big thing for someone uninitiated by this ART world.

I had told her it was easy for me to say it was easy – because I’ve been through it five times. I was someone lucky enough not to have bad reactions to the drugs, have very little pain with the procedure, and then I recovered quickly. Some women have a dreadful time of it.

But then, I said to her, they may also be the ones that get a positive result, and I’ve never had that.

I also let her know about that particular kind of protective IF armour we all wear. How sometimes when we talk about what we’ve been through and what’s next, we find outselves sometimes talking about it in an almost casual way. Not because that's how we truly feel, but because it's the best coping strategy. I’ve become really good at it. I can’t talk about what this journey has been like and allow myself to show what I’m really feeling, let the pain even glimpse daylight – otherwise every conversation would end with me in inconsolable tears. I’ve had to teach myself to focus on what’s good in my life and not allow the IF tentacles to drag me into an all-consuming miserable world.

Of course, I managed to sugarcoat that message – because otherwise I would feel like I was applying pressure.