In The Last Week ...

Thank you for your kind comments.

What I guess I should say is that I do want to continue writing. I know the emotions I felt as my journey often felt more like a meander, while everyone around me had families. I just want to make sure I stay on top of my game - and hope I am sensitive enough.

More than anything I'm blown away that I may be able to grow my family.

I still can't believe I met Star, the friendship we've formed, that she will do this again for us. I'm following her life journey as she takes brave steps to fulfil her own dreams.

Just when it seemed infertility had been a hateful curse, somehow quite unexpectedly I find myself at an extraordinary place in my life.

Star left the country yesterday.

In the last week I've had several phone consultations with my RE. He says when we go again we will be doing the Antagonist Protocol with Star. Therefore she will be here in the country for Day 1. of her cycle and everything will be managed from here - nothing by remote, and more appealing to Star - no sniffing!

I think this is a two-fold decision - not just easier to manage from his perspective - but I have read that this protocol seems to get better quality eggs. Anyone that was here for our last cycle will remember that the reason we have to go again is that none of our remaining embryos made it into the freezer or past Day 3. (we did a Day 2. transfer of 1 embryo).

So we managed to cram in getting a new GP referral for Star (for the RE), a counselling session since this is a 2nd cycle and Star's circumstances have changed, and all her blood tests up to date and completed (including the illusive full Cystic Fibrosis screen that was never done last time). She even got her last shot of her cervical cancer immunisation!

Since Star was still living in another state till she left, it was back to the fun and games of long ago - lost pathology requests, labs closing early, tracking down counsellors!

Mission accomplished. Getting all this done now just makes life easier and in reality cheaper to do here than in another country.

Other than that Mr. S and I will need to go and see our RE a couple of months out from when we want to cycle.

In the meantime we've got other things to get on with - a holiday, work out my plans for going back to work (not till at least May at this stage) - and all that entails.

Later.

Well ...

I'm really not sure where to take this blog, or if its time to stop.

We will be continuing our journey to grow our little family, and working thru that and the various scenarios will be complicated. As a ballpark, we'll be looking at kicking it off sometime in the second half of 2008.

I realise that being in this position takes me out of the IF World, but where to next?

I'm too scared to talk to a RL friend about it - because she's at the point of giving up (no more IVF - has given up) and it will be the worst news in the world for her to hear. BUT even though she knows my entire story and how we come to have BabyG, she keeps insisting that she will not be going 'there'.

So we have a family because we pushed on, and she doesn't because she won't.

I walk on eggshells around her - I'm the filtering point for others who are scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. It's like I'm reliving my last 5 years of infertility and its exhausting. The decision to stop treatment is huge - I couldn't have ever made the decision not to have a family, I wouldn't have known how I was going to live the rest of my life. So I have endless understanding and empathy for the pain of failed cycles, but at the same time there is a point at which I can't relate, I forged on until something worked.

It feels like the expectation is that we should be grateful to have BabyG and let that be that. To want more is selfish and just rubbing salt into the wounds of others. Does everyone that underwent fertility treatment stop at one? I don't think so, but maybe they just disappear.

Maybe I've just reached the happily ever after point in this blog? Maybe going back for more is a whole other blog, because writing is what got me thru and not having that outlet is going to be difficult.