Not Yet!

Just for the record I'm not about to start a cycle anytime soon.

Talking to Star so soon was about figuring out what we will do down the track. Star's plans to move overseas expedited the conversation that was always going to happen. If Star was not so keen to repeat the experience it would have meant we would have looked into other options.

Deciding to reactivate our files on the overseas program would prolly mean it would take another 9 months to happen.

Time is a big factor in all our decision-making.

As it is, I haven't reactivated anything since Star has said she would cycle again.

I had my post-birth check up, and my OB. thinks we should look at having another one within a year. He says we should be well settled with BabyG first. His view is that BabyG should definitely have a brother or sister. Obviously a personal opinion, but one also based on the fact that I handled the pregnancy and birth so well.

I am extremely grateful to have the beautiful BabyG, I'm not looking for more drama in my life - I just don't want BabyG to be an only child.

My emotional state is in such a different place to what it was a year ago - it's not something I've really gone into.

But what I can say is the sheer determination is worth it.

Though I have all the scars that IF brought, I feel much lighter. The heavy burden of the daily pain and grief I carried for so long has lifted, not to mention the continual simmering anger I struggled to keep a lid on.

Some things never changed, never once throughout my entire pregnancy did I set foot into a maternity wear shop. I bought my jeans and a couple of tops online and got by with stretchy clothes. For some reason the thought of going in and talking about being pregnant in those stores was a no-go. I could talk about it in regular shops - but for some reason maternity stores represented something I couldn't deal with.

I haven't worked out how long to stay on maternity leave yet either. At least another 3 months. The contractor doing my job is not working out - so my boss tells me. Two weeks spent on handover - and this happens! He has asked if I want job-share when I come back - a dream offer actually. At the moment I can't imagine leaving BabyG with anyone, but I've been told that as she gets stronger it won't seem so horrifying.

Christmas is always a time of reflection. Previous Christmases I haven't even wanted to spend with family members because they all had children. For the last 4 years Christmas Days have been spent wondering if a cycle has worked or not - in fact in 2005 finding out on the day it hadn't worked.

I'm sad but hopeful for everyone still on their journey.