IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Another Boring Failure

Yeah, BFN doesn’t quite explain my situation anymore – it’s actually an ABF. To be precise it's Another Effing Boring Failure - but I've really gotta get a handle on the filth that comes out of my mouth these days.

In fact I wondering if that’s pretty much the sum parts of who I have become?

Infertility has made me boring - that's obvious to anyone. But is it possible that the failure to overcome infertility has made me the Biggest Bore? Who is that 'interesting' hologramed person in my memories from my past, where is she now?

God I’m glad it’s over.

But the problem is, I’m bored with trying to rationalise what we do next. If we get offered donor eggs, are we doing the wrong thing to a potential child? Are we even capable as people to consider adopting a child from another country and all the circumstances that will present in time? Am I so blind in my pursuit to have a family that I don’t care anymore? Exhausted with having to debate myself over my motives?

We have failed miserably in our endeavours to conceive with all the natural, man-made, complementary and alternative options. Again and again.

So where does that leave us? We are in yet another even smaller minority group, and yet another set of infertility circumstances. Another whole conundrum of ethical debates.

Our friends announce their pregnancies and say ‘oh when we were renovating we weren’t planning another child, now we’ll have to sell and buy a new house’.
MotherF****** [oops] how is it that some people get to make decisions for themselves and their lives? What is this life I'm living – bumbling around from failure to failure – randomly clutching at straws and 'well thought-out strategies' – waiting for a time when one of the things we’ve given 100% to actually works?

I do not want this burden anymore of having to rationalise whether it would be right or wrong for us to adopt eggs or babies. Nobody else rationalises whether they are capable of being parents to the unique being they are bringing into the world – they just get pregnant. Then they say to me ‘I’m on Cloud 9, I’m not thinking about anything else’.

Well that’s great to know, cause I'm pushing into the front of that queue for the Cloud 9 bus.


At August 23, 2006 7:29 pm , Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Sparkle, unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. Hunker down and take good care of yourself and your hubs.

At August 23, 2006 8:01 pm , Anonymous swisschard said...

At this moment, it seems we're not a lucky or a lucky-ish group (the group including Pamplemousse, you, me, and more others than you know). We all have to go through our one last try, with all its connected misery and wailing. To recover from it, you need your pillows and bonbons and time. I'm so sorry it's your turn.
When you are ready to emerge, I hope you'll continue on. (There is a reason, as Pamplemousse also know, why programs that have young anonymous -- and willing -- donors work.) Telling to story of how you finally find your child will be helpful to all of us. I know you will find that child.

At August 23, 2006 8:44 pm , Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Crap love, I'm sorry. I wish I had incredible words of wisdom for you but I'm really bad at it.
Thinking of you x

At August 24, 2006 1:36 am , Blogger zhl said...

So sorry to hear about the ABF. Curse all you want. I think it is ridiculous that people who probably shouldn't be having kids can do it without thinking whereas we have to go through so much just to try for one.

Hope you can take some time to heal.

At August 24, 2006 5:34 am , Blogger Lut C. said...

I'm at a loss for words.

I hear you on the rationalising. When I hear people talking casually about PG I feel like blowing a fuse.

At August 24, 2006 3:32 pm , Blogger Millie said...

Like others have said I know all to well how you feel. I find myself watching Deadwood again and again, mostly because of the language. It's one of the only shows that can match my current sailor mouth.

You are more than capable of parenting any child. I'm sorry you're joining this smaller group but the one thing I will say is the company is excellent (excluding myself of course).

Take really good care of yourself. I know that no matter how you prepare or steel yourself for an ABF, it can still hurt like hell.

Then get as pushy as you want and can. And elbow your way to the front of the line.

At August 25, 2006 2:25 am , Blogger Thalia said...

Oh Sparkle, I am sorry. Sorry that you've joined the even smaller group, so so sorry for ABF. (or AFAF). Of course you are fit to parent a child. Somewhere, somehow, you are going to find that child. I'm just sorry you didnt' get an easier path to them.

At August 25, 2006 11:21 am , Blogger Mony said...

If you need back up pushing your way to the front of that bus line...I am RIGHT behind ya sister.

At August 28, 2006 11:58 am , Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry Sparkle. Take care. Hugs to you.

At August 29, 2006 8:43 am , Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, darlin... I'm so sorry you're in this space. I so get it... but I wish you weren't there right now...

At September 02, 2006 7:30 am , Blogger Angie said...

I am so sorry!


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