Another Boring Failure

Yeah, BFN doesn’t quite explain my situation anymore – it’s actually an ABF. To be precise it's Another Effing Boring Failure - but I've really gotta get a handle on the filth that comes out of my mouth these days.

In fact I wondering if that’s pretty much the sum parts of who I have become?

Infertility has made me boring - that's obvious to anyone. But is it possible that the failure to overcome infertility has made me the Biggest Bore? Who is that 'interesting' hologramed person in my memories from my past, where is she now?

God I’m glad it’s over.

But the problem is, I’m bored with trying to rationalise what we do next. If we get offered donor eggs, are we doing the wrong thing to a potential child? Are we even capable as people to consider adopting a child from another country and all the circumstances that will present in time? Am I so blind in my pursuit to have a family that I don’t care anymore? Exhausted with having to debate myself over my motives?

We have failed miserably in our endeavours to conceive with all the natural, man-made, complementary and alternative options. Again and again.

So where does that leave us? We are in yet another even smaller minority group, and yet another set of infertility circumstances. Another whole conundrum of ethical debates.

Our friends announce their pregnancies and say ‘oh when we were renovating we weren’t planning another child, now we’ll have to sell and buy a new house’.
MotherF****** [oops] how is it that some people get to make decisions for themselves and their lives? What is this life I'm living – bumbling around from failure to failure – randomly clutching at straws and 'well thought-out strategies' – waiting for a time when one of the things we’ve given 100% to actually works?

I do not want this burden anymore of having to rationalise whether it would be right or wrong for us to adopt eggs or babies. Nobody else rationalises whether they are capable of being parents to the unique being they are bringing into the world – they just get pregnant. Then they say to me ‘I’m on Cloud 9, I’m not thinking about anything else’.

Well that’s great to know, cause I'm pushing into the front of that queue for the Cloud 9 bus.