Third Blood Test

E2 = 728
Follies = All growing (no measurements)
Endo = 6

Start: Ganer.alix tonight, keep going with same dose of Pure.gon
Next Bloods and Dildo = Monday

I asked the nurse ‘Can you tell me if I’m going okay so far?’
‘You’re tracking along well at the moment’ she said.

I’ve got these nutty emotions coming at me from all angles at the moment.

Yesterday when the [pregnant] dildo pervert told me there were 8 follicles, a feeling of hope started creeping in and now it’s nearly making me cry (pitying cry for myself). I’m so petrified to feel hopeful but feeling so insecure that things are really going badly and that I’m too stupid to pick it up.

THEN, in the back of my mind I keep remembering that my eggs are more like acid drops and that I have to factor that into the equation.

My friend said to me that whenever I get given some news that sounds okay-ish, like things are sort of 'tracking well' just to think – ‘well that’s good because this is our last cycle’ and that will help keep things in perspective.

You know something really ridiculous? Way back when we were first offered this cycle I said to Mr. S ‘Well one of the reasons I don’t want to do it is this - what if by some remote chance it works ... and then we miscarry – then we’ve stuffed everything up and still have to find a donor’! Mr. S. looked at me and said ‘Well we could still cycle with a donor and have a miscarriage’.

I mean there’s just so much insanity in there – it’s not even worth going into.

Another wiggly needle session last night – this time less freaked out. 'We're trying to grow healthy seeds'!

By the way, donor stuff officially over with our friends.

The phone call was made on Tuesday night. Mr. S said it was a pretty incoherent conversation - with our friends not actually being able to bring themselves to say 'No'. What he did get out of them was that when they had talked about it with each other, they hadn’t been able to get their heads around the fact that their own children would have another half-sibling. So Mr. S said that we wanted to take the pressure off and suggested that we forget all about everything ... because we had tons and tons of options (you know - tons and tons).

I think what actually happened was that we ‘withdrew’ the opportunity for our friends to be our donor. (For some reason, whenever I think about that it makes me want to laugh!)

Now hopefully we can all go back to being friends. How are we going to do that? If they ask how things are going you know fertility-wise – do we now just start grinning maniacally and saying ‘Magic, couldn’t be better?!”

Sigh ...