IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

No end to IF

I wonder if there is an IF end-date?

Everytime I go to the toilet I take a deep breath.

When I’ve got myself psyched up ... I first check the loo ... then my knickers. Sometimes I sit there for at least a minute before I'm ready to check.

I have made some progress - I now give myself my night-time loo runs off - I don't look. I’m back on patrol at daylight.

We’re now just over 10 weeks and I’m not taking anything for granted.

I’ve read so many blogs where those that have experienced IF go on to have ‘Survivor Guilt’. Unfortunately I haven’t reached that point yet.

In my head I’m living in the land of ‘I’ve had a positive result from a donor cycle’.

Somehow I haven’t transitioned from being IF to being ... Pregnant - I’m still IF ... but with a positive result.

Last week I wore linen pants to work, then I freaked out, of all the stupid things to wear, what if something goes wrong today? They've been taken out of the work wardrobe until further notice.

Apart from two IF friends, we haven’t yet told anyone. When I think about telling my mother I remember last time ... telling her that I was pregnant, but was having brown blood bleeding ... the doctor said it was probably nothing, I was booked in for a scan in two days. Two days later having to tell her I hadn’t reached my scan, but my blood tests had indicated I was miscarrying and in fact I’d already had my D&C = pregnancy was over. Ugh.

It's ruined any idea I might have of telling her 'my secret', somehow it doesn't seem like a nice thing to do to give her something to worry about ...

In my mind I’ve got the Nuchal test as a good point.

After a quick trip to the GP, and yet another round of blood tests (HIV, Heps, STD's) and a urine test(!) we're booked in for the 26th February.


At February 13, 2007 7:07 pm , Blogger KikayC said...

I think it only ends when you have your baby in your arms. I'm 24 weeks and still check for any blood when I go to the loo. And can you believe, I haven't been announcing "we're pregnant" to anyone. They just find out on their own. :)

At February 13, 2007 7:32 pm , Blogger three minute palaver said...

I'm 14 weeks 4 days and I'm still waiting for the penny to drop that this is not going to work out for me. I don't think it gets any easier as a pregnancy progresses after years of IF, becuase as the weeks roll by, the stakes get higher and higher and the fear factor grows along with the baby growing. It's good to hear you have an appointment for your nuchal fold scan in 13 days. My assvice is, if the 12 week scan results are good, then it is probably an ok time to tell your Mum what's happening. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best that luck can give.

At February 14, 2007 3:41 am , Blogger Thalia said...

Funny, I am ok with saying I'm pregnant. Doesn't make me any less terrified, but it's what I am so I'm ok saying it.

At February 14, 2007 4:01 am , Blogger suzzcq70 said...

I'm 12w1d and we had our NT scan this morning. It made it so much more real, not just a successful FET cycle. I was telling people on the way out the door!

You'll know when it feels right to tell.

At February 14, 2007 5:33 am , Blogger Lut C. said...

I can see how the previous experience would make you feel uncomfortable about telling.
Would it be cruel to wait until the baby is born (healthy & full term, please)?

At February 14, 2007 6:33 am , Blogger Carol said...

I'm feeling the same way. I can't say "pregnant" out loud. I even told J not to say it. I feel like that will jinx it - or that some evil spirit will hear us say it and decide to take it away (even though I don't really believe in evils spirits).

So - let me know when you get to the point where you feel like you have left the land of "IF with a positive test" and entered the land of "pregnant" - I'd like to know when I might expect this to happen.

At February 14, 2007 1:52 pm , Anonymous Lori said...

When I was first telling people about the pregnancy, all I could say was "IVF appears to have worked" My mother didn't understand what I was trying to say.
The nuchal test sounds like a great point to start telling people.

At February 15, 2007 2:04 pm , Blogger Bumble said...

For the week I was preggo, I remember sitting on the loo, closing my eyes, and working up the courage to look down for the spot. Sometimes it would take a few minutes too. My heart beat so loudly and fast. I know how scared you feel every time. I can only hope and pray that your little one will stay safe and snug for another 6 months or so. I'm sure everything is fine though!!!

At February 15, 2007 7:52 pm , Blogger Anna said...

It will never really end. I used to say that if you survive the 2 week wait and get a positive result, the wait just turns into a 40 week wait. And it does not really end even then.


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