Fence sitting?

I’m kind of in a fence sitting phase at the moment. But I've realised that I start stacks of my posts ala Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, so in keeping with the show that was the inspiration for my blog title - Am I in a fence sitting phase at the moment?

I’m waiting to see a new RE and also to have a follow up with another new-RE on my previous diabolical cycle. There are going to be some very interesting times ahead.

But in the present, it leaves me in a weird place, and sort of nice - I’m currently not living with any expectations on anything. I’m not waiting to cycle and then find out results, and now that we know we only have a 1% chance of getting pregnant each month, we’re certainly expecting any miracles there.

My CFG has been on annual leave, so I haven’t seen her since before Christmas either. (In the meantime it seems that she has some very famous patients).

Everything’s just humming along.

It gives me more time to think about stuff though.

Like the fact that I don’t discuss any of this with anyone in my family. My fertility problems caused the estrangement between myself and one of my sisters. (old post)

I also had problems with my mother – when I told her we were going to start ivf, I said that we wanted to keep it to ourselves so we could cope with the ups and downs better. She apparently went deaf and discussed it with the sister I don’t talk to and then told my brother. So I stopped talking to her about any of it.

My mother is also not comfortable or particularly understanding about fertility issues. She had five children without blinking, now four of her children have children. She was very lucky in this area of her life and has been sheltered to any of these problems.

From time to time though her and my father have said things to me like ‘some [religious] people believe that these things are God’s way, some people just aren’t meant to have children’.

‘Well I don’t believe that’ I told them, ‘because God enabled people to be born that could become scientists and help people with these problems’. So pooh!

One day she also said to me that she was never sure that she could have children herself before she started trying [doh like all women], and if she couldn’t she would have just got on with her life happily.

‘PIGS ARSE’ I thought rudely, your life has totally revolved around having this family, and now it revolves around your grandchildren.

My problems have shown me a whole different side to my family – much like holding a mirror up to us all – and like all people that go thru this painful exercise – I haven’t liked what I’ve seen.

My mother secretly [and openly] blames me for the trouble with my sister – she thinks I should just forgive her and welcome her back into my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her that I was never been happy with my relationship with her in the first place.

It’s all so complicated and with what we’ve had to deal with, it’s been easy to put on the back burner.

The thing is you can’t change people, so if you’re having trouble getting on, then you have to figure out a way to do things so they cause you the least stress. In my case I chose to walk away.

It looks like my sister could be returning from o/s in the not too distant future (pregnant with her second – and having problems with the pregnancy), so I keep seeing this scary time looming ahead of me.

Nothing will have changed, no one will have changed, but all the same problems will still remain.

I’ve noticed that I’ve become very uncompromising these days on what I will and won’t do. I figured out a long time ago that I wasn’t going to be awarded any bravery medals for putting myself in painful situations again and again, it wasn’t going to make me feel better about myself and it certainly wasn’t going to help get me pregnant. I figure that if I want to hibernate and that’s the best way for me to deal with something, then that’s what I’ll do.

If there’s one thing that prolonged IF teaches you, is that there are no quick fixes.