IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Follow Up

Once an IVF cycle has failed, you are supposed to ring the clinic to let them know. I mean ideally, it doesn't fail and you're getting a Beta.
Because my cycle was officially over on Christmas Day, they were shut, so I couldn’t. After that I just couldn’t be bothered.

Last week they called me.

‘Hi Sparkle, just ringing to see how the cycle has gone?’
‘Not good, Christmas Day everything was officially over’
‘Oh dear, sorry to hear that, terrible timing… etc.’

I have this side to me now, where I almost enjoy reporting back the bad news, I’ve managed to file the cycle away in the ‘Doesn’t make me cry anymore’ folder in my emotional cabinet (remember those scenes in ‘Being John Malkovich’?)

But I now enjoy the fact that other people think it’s terrible.

Is this a new form of psychosis I’ve developed or is this what happens to everyone that becomes damaged in this process?

Once you’ve reached that point where you’ve passed all your own worst case scenarios and lived through them, do you develop this armour plating to your own pain, but get great pleasure is watching other people react. I mean I feel like I’ve become every fertile women’s worst fear. Is it enjoyable to shatter the dream?

Yes I became pregnant and then miscarried.
I’ve been thru every test known to gynaecology, and have never had anything found wrong.
We went thru 3 failed cycles of ICSI/IVF before we knew we had a morphology problem.
We just spent close to the entire last year and a hideous amount of money on acupuncture and Chinese herbs and never got a positive result.
We combined both IVF and Acupuncture/Chinese herbs and haven’t got a result.

Suck it up because this is my life, and there is no rhyme or reason to any of it, there’s no great ‘karma’ god balancing out the good with the bad. Bad things can happen for no reason, and you’re not entitled to think things will go right, because they can just continue to go wrong.

Anyway, as you can see in this pleasant frame of mind I continued my discussion with the nurse (actually one that I really like).

She suggested, that maybe if we wanted to cycle again it would be good to have a review.

‘No, actually I’m not interested in a review with my [shitful] Dr. Doom, I had a review after my first 3 cycles, then went thru a Miscarriage Management Program, and even though at that point we were under the illusion we were unexplained, and we were yet to be informed that we had a serious morphology problem, Dr. D suggested I should consider donor eggs. I also have never had my protocol changed in any cycle, so if my options are that I have to have a review with him to cycle again, then I already know what he has to say I’m not interested.’

‘Nothing against Dr. D. of course’ I added.

‘Well I don’t blame you Sparkle, but you know you can see one of the other doctors thru our outpatient services for free – both Dr. Top Dog and Dr. The Best attend these. It might take you till February to get an appointment.’

‘Oh really? Well that would interest me’ .

‘You could see either as a private patient if you wanted as well’.

‘Nup, not interested, I’ve already spent enough money of seeing these Drs. as a private patient, and Dr. The Best is meant to be the most expensive.’

So as I hung up, and felt like I’d been a complete IF bitch, I also wondered if I hadn’t, would I have been made aware of the free services?

I don’t have a clear view on what damage has really been done to me thru all this. I think it’s a toughening up. In the beginning I thought subconsciously that if I’m nice to everyone, especially the Fertility people, that it’ll somehow influence the results. Maybe now I feel like I’ve got nothing to lose?

I mean that’s not to say that if I find myself back in the stirrups chatting to the embryologist, I wouldn’t dream of rubbing her nose into any of my misery …

To conclude this tale in the same sorry theme, when I spoke to Outpatient Services to get an appointment, the first available was with my Dr. Doom …. in April! The following week I could get in with Dr. The Best (so I booked in).
So folks with yet another swift kick to teach me another lesson [not to be rude to Fertility people], I will have to see Dr. TB as a private patient if I want to see him sooner … and will try and make an appointment when he returns from holiday – yes you can’t leave a message for him either!


At January 09, 2006 9:06 pm , Blogger K said...

Sometimes it does feel better to dish the bad news to those nurses. Considering they should be prepared, they never know what to say.

At January 10, 2006 8:00 am , Blogger Lut C. said...

Becoming tougher is not all bad, it seems to me. What good would it do you to still be a meek patient?

And on serving up some of your misery to others, why should you have to bear this burden alone?
Hearing Pollyannas who remain cheerfull despite severe misfortune is no doubt more fun for the Fertility people, but this isn't about them, is it.

At January 10, 2006 11:48 am , Anonymous Lori said...

I have to admit, sometimes it's fun to watch people squirm when giving presenting them with less than stellar information.
I hope you can get in for a review appointment more quickly than April without forking over more major bucks.

At January 10, 2006 5:47 pm , Blogger Tina said...

well, we are in the same boat. AF arrived a day after christmas and I was in the pits until new year. I decided to buy a dog. i didn't bother calling the clinic cause I was so disappointed, frustrated..all the negative feelings I can think of, I could feel it. I decided to go shopping and not think about the TTC stuff. I wasn't going to ruin the remaining holiday for a failed IVF cycle. I plan to do a FET this march, let's see how that one goes.

At January 11, 2006 7:53 am , Blogger MC said...

I think I've toughened up too. I didn't cry with the latest cycle fail before Christmas and with the embryo not thawing out. I also detect and almost defeated before I start feeling, my Chinese herbs and accupuncture haven't worked as well.

At January 11, 2006 2:46 pm , Anonymous pixi said...

Yeah, karma is for shit. But do hope that somewhere, somehow you will catch a break.

At January 13, 2006 8:08 am , Anonymous thalia said...

Your doctor sounds really really problematic. Had no one looked at the sperm before you did three IVFs?? I hope that Dr Best is a lot lot better.

At January 13, 2006 2:58 pm , Anonymous Manuela said...

Well hey there Sparkle... can't beieve I haven't been here until now.

And... I too get a bit of a vicious giggle watching other people get uncomfortable and squirmy as I bluntly state the nature of all my various IF indignities. Hey... you gotta get your jollies where you can!


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