IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

No Angel Wings

I wonder sometimes if even having a baby will cure my bitterness.

I think I’ve got a handle on self-pity, and I’ve really learnt how to be happy in everyday life, what I haven’t conquered is feeling bitter when I hear how wonderfully well other peoples lives are going. Even as I write this the top left side of my lip raises itself in an agreed bitter sneer – 'yeah damn right, stuff everyone I know and their great lives'!

So far I’ve put this down to the ahhh ... baby stuff.

My family dreams shattered while everyone else’s have come to fruition.

I think I’m rapidly reaching a point where I don’t want to hear ANYONE ELSE’S GOOD NEWS. BTW I’m referring to real life people here. I think it’s a peer group thing. But then do I still have a peer group? Does IF strip you of that, when practically everyone you know has a family? (In our case, if they don’t most likely it’s because they’re single).

Would getting pregnant be the cure-all or would it be the start of a whole new level of bitterness?

Getting pregnant would have taken me ... [a million years] and cost me ... [a million dollars], not to mention all my ... [lost career opportunities] the isolation ... blah boringly blah.

Mr. S seems to think that I should be able to disregard my hurt and pain and just feel good for everyone else when good things happen to them. This would be the way a mature optimistic person would deal with my life and situation.

What happened to my angel wings? Did they never grow or have they slowly rotted off my back with every passing year of IF?


At November 24, 2006 12:53 am , Blogger Angie said...

This IF crap is so hard. I'm thinking of you and hoping you find a happy place.


At November 28, 2006 7:32 pm , Blogger Lut said...

'Just feel good for everyone else'? He said that??? The nerve! HAH!

I have some theories to explain that.

(Most) men tend to suffer less from empathy than (most) women. Apparantly, that can be an advantage too. They shrug, while we say 'why can't that be me?'.

Is your husband very competitive? Maybe families just isn't a domain he feels competitive about. Would it be different if it were about promotions, cars, big houses, sports?

Mine shrugs when other people announce yet another PG/baby. He isn't competitive in any of the domains I listed above either.


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