When to Blab?

We have always planned on being open. Clearly we are going through a known donorship with Star, we have all also discussed a ‘least expectation’ situation, that will mean we always keep up-to-date addresses and emails. What we hope, but cannot predict, is that our donor relationship turns into lifetime friendship.

We are so advanced in our discussions, our Counsellor was taken aback, this is not the usual scenario for people who have met in a forum. Most IP’s go into donor relationships with the idea that they will keep the donor egg a secret – from everyone – child, grandparents and friends.

We have done enough research and then attended the adoption seminar to know that this is not the best possible situation for a child. Yep, the genie is out of the bottle for us and will not go back in, and truthfully we’ve become comfortable with all of it.

We are not ashamed that we will be using donor eggs, and we don’t want our child to be.

What we haven’t figured out is when to start having those conversations with our family and friends.

I have tried to ‘bring up the discussion’ a few times with my closest female friends – most, not ready. Their immediate reactions were that it was something too far-fetched to consider – something for the stars(!)

Finally, on Friday night, having dinner with friends I was able to tell someone. My friend Magenta, she got married late last year and is going to start trying for a baby in the next couple of months. But somehow, she is someone I felt would be receptive.

Once we had established that it wasn’t surrogacy, that I would be carrying the baby, that we would go through an IVF cycle to get Star’s eggs, that it would be Mr. S’s sperm AND I’d told her about Star -
‘Fantastic’, was her response. ‘I know you, and you would have done all your research and looked into everything, what a great thing to do.’

It felt good.

Then we started discussing strategies for me to use, so I can tell my other friends … and family.

Telling my family is not something I will look forward to. My mother NEVER got IVF – how many times did I hear ‘Oh it’s all Brave New World stuff isn’t it?’ She doesn’t know it, but she’s a Fertility-Ist. She judges women on how easily they fall pregnant – because she had no trouble conceiving and giving birth to five.

Growing up I remember her saying things like ‘Some women are just not meant to have children’. Well I can tell you it’s been a long time since she’s ever said anything like that to me after the last time I blew up her and my father for saying ‘Some people think it’s God’s will that that certain people can’t have children’, after I first started IVF!

My thinking is that I will wait till I’m actually pregnant (please) – that way any ‘unintentional’ cruel remarks that come my way, will not mar our cycle.

Mr. S’s family - bloody hell, I’ve been thinking, another dicey one. They are very conservative people. Our surprise on our journey has been how supportive they’ve been to us (we thought it’d be mine!)

They know that we have investigated adoption and have come to understand that if we pursue it further, we will be undertaking an International adoption - we will be a multi-cultural family.

Then, on Saturday, Mrs S Senior surprised us.

She had been talking to her niece who lives in San Francisco. Her niece was updating her on her best friend that has just had a baby.

‘She did what’s called Embryo Adoption, have you heard of that, apparently it’s cheaper than IVF?!’

‘Yes we have, we’ve looked into it’.

‘Well apparently, she was matched with looks, colouring, build and now she has a beautiful baby. She’s been able to experience the pregnancy, the birth, and she’s really open about it – and will talk to you about it if you want?’

Whoa!

‘We have looked into our options here, and spoken to our doctors, we haven’t shut any doors, but we’re just not ready to talk about how far we’ve got with everything’. We replied.

‘Well I think that’s great, I think the way you’re doing things is great, there was none of this available to us in our day’.

Mr & Mrs S Senior experienced IF themselves and consider themselves lucky that they had one.

[I think the enthusiasm for this option is not based on opposition to adoption, more so for the obvious - me being able to experience pregnancy, also, because the waiting game has blown out incredibly – we’d be looking at around 18 months to 2 years to get through adoption.]

‘Well, wasn’t that amazing?’ Mr. S & I were saying on the way home. We didn’t need to work out when to broach this subject, it was done for us!

I don’t know who was more surprised – Mr. S or me?