IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Total Kook

I can’t remember ever crying before.

I’ve definitely never cried at the beginning of a cycle, over something trivial.

Is it the combination of a full month on BCP’s and the sniffing that does that? I’ve only ever had to take a week of BCP’s before.

‘It’s the drugs’ I sobbed to Mr. S. He looked concerned that there was more bothering me – our conversation was about when we want to buy a house.

I think it’s also the worry.

I can’t believe how tense I feel. My whole outlook is doom and failure. Oh yeah, did I also mention I don’t feel that rational either?

‘You need to start doing positive affirmations’, my friend said. She is about to give birth to her son – conceived via donor eggs.

‘Everyone has a guide, you need to start trusting and following yours'.
‘But I don’t know what my guide looks like, I've never seen my guide (Think my guide needs a compass and a map - after the journey I've been lead on these past four years?!)'
‘Well you need to spend five minutes everyday – meditating with a positive affirmation – I’m going to have a baby and I deserve it. Do you think you can do that’?
‘What – not even protect myself a little bit?’
‘No, forget feeling negative’.

How do you do that?

Expecting the worst – protecting myself from disappointment is how I’ve coped with all the negative results and set-backs. It’s also how I’ve been able to look ahead and have a Plan B. in place.

Start being positive and affirming that not only do I expect a positive result – but that I deserve it? What kind of selfish git would that make me? Also, what kind of fool would start living with that kind of hope? Only a fool that’s never hit the ground before.

Add into that the fact that I’m a total cynic when it comes to alterna-hippy stuff and when I’m rational I prefer to make sound common sense decisions.

I gave up reading horoscopes years ago. Actually I just read mine this weekend. Why is that?

Meanwhile in the last few days I’ve started practising breathing and affirming. The words kind of get jumbled, and I end up with fragmented sentences ‘ahem ... calm down ... don't be negative ... I'm trying to have a baby', not sure how affirming, but regulating my breathing is helping me sleep.

I’ve also got the number for a kinesiologist – apparently she works late week-nights.


At November 20, 2006 7:47 pm , Blogger Thalia said...

I think you just do what you can, and be ok with that. Plenty of ppl have got pregnant on cycles where they were thoroughly negative, and plenty of ppl have got pregnant on cycles where they were doing "everything right". DOn't add any extra stress by trying things that don't work for you, or trying to be positive when you're not feeling that way.

At November 21, 2006 10:23 am , Anonymous JMW said...

Hi Sparkle,

I agree 100% with Thalia's comment above about the effects of positive thinking. The last thing we need to do is start telling ourselves that being discouraged will reduce our chances of success! My last RE kept saying "Think positive" but he was the one who had told me how shitty our chances were in the first place, so that seemed kind of cruel.

I have done the meditation/affirmation thing in an attempt to improve quality of life while I make my way through the torture tunnel of infertility. But I couldn't lie to myself by "affirming" something I couldn't 100% believe, so I didn't say "I will have a baby." It took a while but eventually I worked out "I will accept whatever life offers me," or words to that effect, a sort of promise to myself that life would go on and be valuable no matter what happened. I guess I was also promising myself that I wouldn't slide into a pit of despair never to be seen again. It did help.

I am very excited for you with this cycle, even though I don't know you. But I completely understand your need to remain skeptical at the thought that something good could actually come of it!

At November 21, 2006 10:51 am , Blogger Carol said...

I know how you feel. You're all hopped up on hormones and have this big worry in your head about whether it will work - so it's totally understandable that little stuff will set you off.

I do think it's a good idea to try to stop and breathe and think positively. But I'm not always very good at it either. I too agree with Thalia - you do what you can and be ok with it. If meditating and positive affirmations come easy to you, the definitely do it. But kicking yourself for not doing it is just going to add to your stress.

At November 22, 2006 6:02 pm , Blogger Tina said...

Hi sparkle!

I've always cried in each cycle I was TTCing. There was even a point that I didn't wanna try anymore because I knew that it'll fail and I don't want to experience the stress and disappointment. I can completely relate to you - that at each cycle you TTC, you expect that it wouldn't work. I stopped hoping actually but it never stopped me from trying.

Good news will come to you soon and I will keep you in my prayers.

At November 25, 2006 11:20 am , Anonymous Anonymous said...

'i am a good person' is a nice harmless affirmation.


'i will have a baby one day' - as opposed to putting all the pressure on this cycle.

best wishes


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