IF and the City

I used to feel sad when I watched the episodes with Charlotte failing over and over again while trying to get pregnant. Little did I know that my own attempts would lead me on the same sad journey. We've now passed 4 years in the trenches. 6 failed IVF/ICSI cycles = nothing. Time for something new - donor eggs. Success at last. Now for round 2.

Saturday, March 08, 2008


One of the things I most resented about IF was the fact I felt I had lost control of my life.

When I would hear friends talking about the decisions they made about having a baby then expanding their families I'd have to do quick barely discernible 'in with love, out with anger' breathing exercise.

DECISIONS I would think, what gives them the right to make decisions about their lives, who do they think they are???

I came to realise that the best way for me to live was to give in to it. Relax, like they say to do if you're ever in a car crash - that way, with your body being relaxed, you won't feel the impact of the car crashing into either another car or a telegraph pole and you will live thru it. Apparently.

Yeah, just being able to say 'I'm living thru it' felt like success alot of the time.

So, maybe control freakishly, I look forward to gaining back some of my life.

Some day.

Having a MIL 'tell' me she is having a babyseat fitted into her car makes me feel a little uncomfortable - in the IF way.

'Ummmm, you know that babyseat your mother is having fitted in her car?' I asked DH
'Well, I just want you to know that I'm a long way off being comfortable with the idea of BabyG being driven around town without either you or I present'
'Well that's not the idea, and actually both my grandmothers drove me around'
'Keh? When you were 6 months old? Aaaaand, btw, we're not living in the 70's anymore, back then it was still legal to drive without a seatbelt'.

Don't think my IF methods of coping will work.


At March 10, 2008 10:37 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

its weird the control thing because when you are on the ivf treadmill you realise how little everyone has control over their lives really - anything can happen anytime and its not always something good! However as soon as you make it successfully through ivf yhou can almost pretend to feel how you did before you started..you know like you are in control after all. I am so with you regarding the whole car thing - if i still had my Zane here he wouldnt be out of my sight! glad to hear you are well though. Meanwhile a great deal thanks to you i went on the aed website sometime back and altho my recent cycle ended up being with my best friend who surprisingly and unexpectedly stepped up we have just got the news we are pg! So maybe i can be happy for you when you go again after all LOL...
all the best Justice

At March 11, 2008 12:33 pm , Blogger Sparkle said...

Hi Justice,
What fantastic news, everything, being pg,having a best friend be a donor - an amazing experience.
I couldn't be happier to have helped a little ...
Don't worry, I fully understand the emotions you go thru while still waiting for your own good news :-)

At March 15, 2008 6:15 am , Blogger Luann said...

I had the same feelings about loss of control throughout my quest to get pregnant and then when we decided to adopt.
For a control freak like me it did NOT sit well having someone else decide if we would become parents.

At March 27, 2008 6:37 am , Blogger Lut C. said...

The sense of control is a lovely illusion, isn't it. :-) Letting go of it is hard work, I've found.

At April 20, 2008 8:33 am , Blogger Justice said...

Hi Sparkles
wondered how you DH and babyg are doing? I guess you havent made any new plans yet for baby 2? Well i miss reading your blog! I am now 10 weeks pg with the twins and feel terrible which i gather is par for the course especially as i'm laden with support hormones..ugh! would love to hear from you sometime as to how you are doing etc even if you email me at zanebaby9@hotmail.com
best wishes Justice


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