IF and the City

Guess who's in the middle of a cycle?

2011-03-31T10:34:00.003+11:00

YES - Star and I!

Literally this been it since my last post - the possibility ... the plans made and scraped ... now we have finally reached the point of a new cycle. Our last.

First scan this morning - 11 follicles on the right, 7 on the left. This news reported to me by Star - so no size range etc.

Blood results later today.

Scan and bloods for me tomorrow.

Lord!

Decision

2009-07-21T14:29:00.002+10:00

Has been made...

We will be doing another cycle with Star at the new clinic.

Our blood tests are updated, files transferred ... working on Star's ... phone consult with Star to happen next week. Bunch of other stuff, consent forms, possibly more counselling [yawn].

Not many other details at the moment - other than we hope we do the cycle before the end of the year.

This feels like the right thing to do, I guess some people might not agree, but it just would not be possible to cycle again at the same clinic, we have to change something.

As usual it's not exactly straight forward, but we'll get there.

I'm excited.

Detail

2009-06-13T15:01:00.004+10:00

Well blog it seems you have been of some great use to me recently.

The documenting of my misery is exactly what I needed recently, where else did I provide so much detail of my IF and many failed cycles??? The absolute mundane detail to be frank.

Our journey is not over. We are still determined to 'try' and have another child.

Star said she was onboard with whatever we decided to do... how is it that some people are born with such an incredible amount of selflessness???

In order to find out if this is a viable option, we decided to opt out of our 'rat in a cage' existence and seek another opinion. From the competition.

Hence the value in all the mundane detail.

We had some incredible luck, the high-brow lady doctor who conducted all our inside-and-out testing prior to embarking on our donor journey had cancellations that enabled us to see her virtually immediately.

Her view is that Star is (and always has been) an ideal donor. Her age - under 30, her proven fertility (her own children), the good egg nos. via IVF (8 and 12), our success (BabyG).

She believes that both cycle protocols were good (proven by the egg nos.), she also concurred that the Antagonist Protocol (last used), is fast becoming the protocol of choice (as advised by my own RE). She said the old thinking was that it was a last-ditch with 'mature' patients, but anecdotally they are getting equally good results as with the long-suppression, and it is also the protocol that patients prefer.

Interestingly she said that Star being on stims for both 8 days and 12 days was not an issue in terms of egg quality. She said they are triggering patients at 7 days(!) and getting good results.

Where she believes we have suffered is with poor laboratory conditions (all embryos lost on day 3!!!). In her words 'an RE is only as good as the lab and scientists in the clinic'.

She said that in a situation whereby a cycle will yield a fresh blastocyst to transfer and two to freeze, you were at a 70%+ chance of success. Yes this clinic is 'blastocyst and proud'. Because they have been doing blast transfers for more than 10 years she says 'we've gotten pretty good at it by now'.

She agreed that if we were to cycle with her clinic she would change the stimulant if it made us feel better, but ihho, there was no difference between pure.gon and gona.lf.

All interesting.

Decisions will be made.

Ahhh yes about posting

2009-05-20T18:05:00.002+10:00

Hello blog, you hideous timeline of my misery.

Yes I have been deliberately ignoring you. I think I am now blaming you for all my failures.

Here's a quick update of what I refused to tell you about about in more detail:

FET
2 embies thawed
3-cell increased to 4-cells and 4-cell increased to 6-cells at time of transfer
2WW ... many symptoms real and/or imagined
F***ing negative

Yes blog, it's all your fault that I am now left without any current chance of providing BabyG with a sibling.

Here I am thinking we are putting ourselves in an ideal position and all goes to sh*t.

Guess what? Star has offered to get onboard again with whatever we want to do.

Well blog, I am yet to decide if I will keep you in the loop. I have much to do, many investigations, lots of decisions to make.

I would, however, welcome any feedback to this current situation.

At a point

2009-04-02T14:55:00.003+11:00

Humming along in that pocket of time known as 'pre-transfer'.

Taking the pill, now trying to get rid of the yeast infection courtesy of my last failed cycle. Ick.

My Fertility Goddess tells me I'm 'full of fungus' so has also prescribed a trilogy of herbs so foul-tasting I have to trasnfer them into gel capsules before taking. That way my chemical drugs take care of the wiping out the gross symptoms and the herbal concoction works on the imbalance created within ... created by the chemicals I was taking for my cycle.

Lord let's hope this two-pronged attack takes fast effect!

In the meantime I've paid a visit to my RE's office and had a chat with regards to 'options and plan b's'. As far as jumping back into the egg-sharing program off-shore, the new developments are that the waiting time has reduced by more than 6 months. Sooo if we decided to proceed, we would only need to wait around 3 months!

In the opinion of the RE's off-sider this should be the last option we pursue. She believes that to have one child via a known donor and one via anonymous would not be ideal for the one who would never be able to find out who the donor was.

I have to agree with her.

But, she did say if we did get to the point where we wanted to proceed, we could seek some counselling help on how to deal with those issues and proceed.

First things first. She doesn't believe that because we haven't had an embryo stick around that from this cycle, it doesn't mean that one of the last two won't. She is of the opinion (she's a scientist), that most cycles will yield 1 or 2 embryos that will go on to implant. The expectations that if you have 12 embryos that all of them will become take home babies is ludicrous.

The other thing she says is ... if Star were to offer to go again we should think very seriously about it. We clearly have not had that discussion, and as we discussed, why would we - we're not at the end of the road yet. She says that we have to remember we have BabyG - so clearly there are good fertility chances.

Being the scientist that she is, she is in agreement with me on thawing both remaining embryos. She asked me what I would do if they thawed both and at transfer I was told both were fantastic .... 'I'm just hoping we get a call that an embryo has survived the thaw at this point!' I stammered.

She reckons that only viable embryos are frozen, so there is as much chance of both of these doing well as any. In that case, well, we would prolly transfer one and re-freeze the other.

We can only hope.

Next Step

2009-03-19T09:26:00.004+11:00

So we begin again, our next cycle - a supposed back-to-back FET.

Our schedule has me back on the bcp until the 8th April, then start sniffing.

Call the clinic on my Day 1. bleed, then start progy*nova 3xdaily. Ultrasound 10/11 days later.

So we'll be looking at a late-April transfer.

My current state of thinking is to thaw the remaining 2 embryos and depending on how that goes put them both back. With the way things have gone, I cannot see both sticking, but, we may have a miracle one stick. I can't imagine going thru another transfer, it not working, and then have everything hinging on one 3-cell embryo.

I'm worried about what to do next. I'm a Plan B. girl. I have none.

Do I start looking for another donor now? Do I review all overseas options? Or do I let go the iron-clad control I feel the need to have and just see what happens with this next transfer THEN worry?

I remember receiving a few disapproving comments when we started planning to grow our family a year ago. It threw me a little, because anyone that has been on this journey knows that there are no guarantees. Unfortunately I'm proof of that yet again. I'm not sure but is there a term that goes passed secondary, third or fourth levels of infertility?

And again

2009-03-13T19:27:00.000+11:00

Cycle result = negative

One to go

2009-03-06T19:29:00.004+11:00

One week down, one to go.

Having doubts about the embie has helped me not get too obsessive.

Had my acupuncture straight after this time, not my usual lady, MASSIVE headache finding someone. Ended up going somewhere completely new and close by the clinic. Seems they were v.traditional ... so much so they wanted me to go for the following 5 days. So I went that day, then the day after. Certainly did feel good those days, but since they didn't reduce the rate to accomodate GOING DAILY, I stopped and thought I'd go back to my lady if I wanted more [on the days she works].

So nonchalant about this 2WW I nearly didn't bother going and getting my mid-2WW progesterone test.

'Why bother?' I asked the nurse, 'Most clinics don't even do this test, and even if its low, BIG DEAL'!... Blah, blah... who cares... load of rubbish... whinge ... moan 'It's down to the embryo'.

'Well' she politely advised me 'we just don't know what effect YOU have on an embryo once it's transferred, I mean we do pretty well at mimicking the uterine environment in the lab, but after all we don't know what happens once it's transferred'

'Well yes that is true, but what I want to know is what the hell is going on with these young eggs?' - that thing happened when suddenly you blab what is really on your mind.

'My own niece went thru IVF here, and we transferred two shocking looking embryos, her progesterone came back at 17 - now 14 weeks pregnant - one of them stuck'.

'S-I-G-H'

So, in my casual manner, I'd strolled in so late I wasn't going to get my result back the same day, and then later realised I also had totally forgotten to get extra messaries, since I'm going to run out before BT-Day.

Back again this morning, messaries in hand, talking to one of the other nurses.

'Well I had my blood test soooo late yesterday I didn't get the results, so you know, whatever ...'
'PLEASE call this afternoon and get your results'
'Okay, I'm sure its okay, even though it was low last time'
'Call this afternoon'.

Come 3 o'clock I debate bothering, then ring.

'Yeah, your progesterone is fine, so no need to increase messaries'
'Right-e-o, what is it?'
Paper shuffle 'Here it is ... gosh it's 105!'
'Thought it was okay - I've got heart-burn!'
'Really, well then, your BT is next Friday THE 13TH'

So there you go little embie ... if you decide to stick around ... all ready for you!

Nuh, don't think I'm going to have anything to do with pee sticks either.

Done

2009-02-27T09:41:00.003+11:00

Soooo, no more phone calls.

Legs in stirrups ...

Scientist advises 'no cells lost or any fragmentation - embryo much better than last one'.

Transfer is quick and easy.

Nagging doubts ... cells hadn't started dividing again.

Scientist says 'it's fine, normal'.
This is the embryo from a 26yo egg(!) Has to be in with a good shot ... right?

Let's see.

Acupuncture followed straight after. All the i's dotted and t's crossed.

Nagging doubts ...

Busy... busy

2009-02-25T17:50:00.003+11:00

Keeping busy here in th' city ...

Even so ...

Missed a call first thing this morning ... scientist ringing to tell me everything was good and they'd see me tomorrow early afternoon. Call back if I need to know anything.

Not in a million years am I calling back.

In the park late this afternoon I hear my phone ringing and manage to pick it up just as its gone to voicemail 'unknown caller' READ: SCIENTIST FROM THE LAB

Cold sweats ... life has suddenly gone slo-mo ... flashbacks to last thaw and the call first thing in the morning: EMBRYO ARRESTED.

Breath ... HURRY UP F***** MESSAGE ...

So then ... scientist calling to check that I knew I was coming in tomorrow for my transfer. No further information.

Quickly call clinic - of course - receptionist has already scarpered for the day and the message is switched on.

Now will have to call first thing in the morning.

Back Again

2009-02-24T13:15:00.002+11:00

So here we are.

Following our cancelled cycle, following our cancelled cycle, we are now in the midst of an active cycle.

Day 11 - after 8 days progy*nova and a few weeks of syna*rel, yesterday morning I had a scan. Lining 'perfect' translated to: 9C I *think* she said. So 9mm and the triple stripe??

Yesterday afternoon I was told transfer would be Thursday.

I checked with the nurse - 'we're not thawing all remaining embryos and going for blast are we?'
'No, that would have had to have been discussed and agreed upon'.
'Good'

Yep that's the decision we made - thaw one at a time. I'd have to be put in a medically-induced coma to get thru thawing all three and seeing what happens going to blast.

I have no idea when they thaw the first one ... I'm trying not to think about it.

Mumble .. mumble ...

2009-01-20T15:42:00.004+11:00

So now there are three in my mother's group who are officially pregnant. All safely passed the first trimester. Bated breath for those waiting to announce. It seems 1st birthday's were the signal to have another.

The other day in the park, the conversation strayed into the now oh-so-boring mandatory mutterings about the global financial crisis or the GFC as its become [sarcastically] known in our home.

Several people murmering about job losses, budget cuts, bleak futures. One who works for the so-called 'millionaires club' (pregnant) bemoaning what a crap outlook there was for the coming year.

'I think you can pretty much write off the whole of this year'
'Yeah 2009 is going to be pretty miserable' agreed the other

'Well its not going to be that miserable' I said 'you're having a baby!'
'Yeah!' said someone else ...
'Well that's not going to be that great ... the first six months are going to be awful'

What can you say?

Some people have only ever known what its like to have ALL their dreams come true.

Here's What It Means

2009-01-15T09:20:00.002+11:00

To culture frozen embryos.

The scientist explained that it was suggested at our last FET because while our first embryo thawed okay, it then went on and 3 cells fused into one, suggesting an abnormality. Our second embie thawed okay and only lost one cell - but it didn't stick.

So we have three remaining.

The suggestion is that they thaw all three and then culture on to either day 3. or day 5. that way being in the best position to pick the strongest embryo to transfer.

Yowza!

So the risks are that when you thaw all the embies you are then exposing them to the lab conditions, potentially causing embies to arrest - and there being no way of knowing if those embies could have implanted if transferred earlier.

The pros are that you could end up with say two of the embies going on to beoome high quality blastocysts and being in a position to make a decision on transferring the best and then having one to freeze. Thereby having the best chance of success.

To me this means one thing - an all or nothing cycle.

Problem is I don't have a back up if it doesn't work.

Thawing and transferring one by one is the slower way, the more conservative, but the least risky in terms of losing embies.

I think scientists take a more dispassionate view - they are looking for the fastest way to find the strongest embryo and have the maximum chance of success.

Nagging in the back of my mind is ... we've never been lucky ... we transferred high quality blastocysts before (mine) and didn't get success - so no guarantee there ... we've never been lucky.

I lie, we have been lucky, we have BabyG - but we had no other embies from that cycle - either to transfer or freeze. It was all or nothing with that one 4-cell embie. Wow that thinking has bought me full circle ... all or nothing worked once... shit...

Thoughts?

Well

2009-01-12T18:16:00.003+11:00

Here we go again ... we're cancelled for January.

We were attempting to do a Natural FET ... scan this morning showed 1 small follie and lining at 7mm on Day 10.

Blood results unfortunately showed eostrogen to be too low - under 100 - so cycle is cancelled.

Now I am to start immedicately on the bcp ... for the next 3 1/2 weeks then ... start the miserable synarel.

The main positive to this is that it gives me a few more weeks with my new acupuncture goddess ...

Don't know why I'm not more upset - have a feeling its all for the best.

So February here we come!

There's also a whole new dilemma with this culturing embies thing - too many pros and cons to go into right now.

Getting Ready

2008-12-30T10:42:00.002+11:00

For our next transfer.

In the meantime Christmas was very nice. Very nice to be able to enjoy the food and a few drinks without worrying. Lovely to have BabyG in our lives and to have that joy of spending Christmas with your child.

Such a painful time for many, my memories are still there of those feelings from the past.

But I'm getting very nervous and scared in the lead up to our next transfer. My fears of it not working again, my fears that somehow it's all my fault, somehow my body is not allowing these embies to implant.

In an effort to get my body in optimum shape, and try and get a handle on the stress, I've been to see a new acupuncturist. I love her. She was largely chosen due to her handy proximity to my home in a lovely Nature Centre. Also, since the CFG 'to the stars' told me that what she did was nothing special, I believe her. I also believe that dealing with immune issues, and infertility is at the heart of TCM. My new lady confirmed that.

She's young, but been practising since 2001. Her acupuncture was a revelation. For one thing it wasn't the 20min. special I became used to. Also, she did acu all over my back. I've never had that before. My usual diagnosis/weakness was that I have weak kidney's. She prodded that point on my back 'yeeeeesssh that's sensitive' I told her. Then acu on my tummy followed by some mini moxi's. I floated out of the centre with another appointment booked for next week.

She also thinks I should have some sessions with chinese massage intermittently. Not a bad idea.

Not quite sure if it's a direct result - but my energy in the last few days has been awesome. I'm getting things done that have been hanging around a while.

Next, waiting on my period.

Official

2008-12-02T12:25:00.002+11:00

Officially negative.

The clinic says that my chances are good with the 3 great embryos we have. The nurse said that we've gotten pregnant with these embryos before so it will happen again.

Unfortunately no transfer in the near future. Due to my period not starting, (due to having to stay on the messaries waiting on my beta!) I will not get in before the Xmas closures.

So another wait for me.

Star can't understand why we haven't had any luck yet. Who knows? Is it bad luck?

I haven't found out any more information on the 'culturing of embryos' that will be done next time. Guess I have time to google it.

Peestick

2008-11-29T11:09:00.002+11:00

This morning ... negative.

Had that feeling it wasn't to be the other day.

Beta on Monday, will try and go again straight away if possible. Feel good about that actually. They're going to culture my embies this time. I have no idea what that means? This time I might put 2 back (if I have them).

Beta still on Monday. Is there any point? Guess so - the clinic needs to conclude the cycle officially.

New Thing

2008-11-24T15:18:00.002+11:00

So my blood test this morning revealed that my progesterone is low = 21.

Apparently this is nothing to be concerned about at this stage ... as if ... will not affect a potential pregnancy ... I have no idea.

I told her I hadn't put my morning's messary in - since I was going to the clinic early - but she reckons that wouldn't have affected my results.

Soooo, I am to up my messaries to 3 x daily now.

Kinda taken the wind out of my sails ...

BTW, my beta isn't till next Monday.

Transfer ..

2008-11-17T15:16:00.002+11:00

Well we transferred ... our 2nd embie did much better and had only lost 1 cell, had stabilised, no fragmentation. Looked pretty good on the screen.

Transfer was quick and without incident.

This is not the ideal transfer in terms of being a blastocyst, but it's good enough for me to feel hopeful. I'm proof positive that transferring hatching blasts is no guarantee of a positive result (umm try 3 or 4 with my own embies).

I asked the scientist and doctor ...'do many women get pregnant with embies like these?', 'lots, we wouldn't transfer if we didn't'. Good.

Passed a million pregnant women on my way ... lucky them.

BAD Update

2008-11-17T08:41:00.005+11:00

In this gig, apparently from the point of thaw, not hearing anything is what you want.

We got a call at 7am this morning ...

Our embie fused back to 2-cells overnight instead of continuing to divide. Exactly the wrong thing.

Sooo, we now move to thawing another ...

There will be no update from here on in, we will find out how things have gone when we get to the clinic.

Of course Mr. S says all the wrong things - firstly - 'well shouldn't we be waiting overnight again?' and 'it'll all be alright, don't worry'.

Empty meaningless words - why are men SO STUPID????

This is all a sickening flashback to our last cycle - all our embies going nuts ... ugh I have that nauseous, pins and needles feeling that comes with anxiety.

POOH!

Small BIG update

2008-11-16T15:29:00.002+11:00

Embryo has thawed, transfer going ahead tomorrow as planned.

That leaves us 24 hours ... embryo should continue to divide IF WE'RE LUCKY.

Have no idea at this point if it was the first embryo they tried to thaw, or if it took more than one.

This period of time feels like the waiting time to find out about fertilisation!

The drive to the clinic will be nerve-wracking!

Good to Go!

2008-11-14T15:05:00.003+11:00

Scan this morning showed endometrium at 8.5 with the triple stripe ... apparently good to go!

Just got a (missed) call and the clinic nurse says I'm to start the messaries tonight and come in on Monday for transfer at 1.15pm!

I've rung back for more details ... when do you start thawing ... what if this ... what if that ... I've never done a frozen transfer before!

...How come I'm going to be transferring on my Day 13??? Is this because I've been sniffin' and therefore my cycle doesn't need to be matched up??? I don't know the answers to any of these things ... I thought my embie is to match a regular ovulation and fertilisation?????

I am only going to be transferring 1, that decision is made.

Lord how can a veteran of sooo may cycles ... be such a novice when it comes to a frozen transfer????

Hey - guess I'm a newbie!

Day 2.

2008-11-06T15:25:00.002+11:00

So officially FET cycle is underway.

I've been sniffing syna*rel since the 28th, ugh!

On Sunday I start on the progy*nova, and next Friday go into the clinic for a scan to check my lining.

I've been seeing the Alternative Fertility Goddess for the past few weeks and she's telling me that everything is okley dokley.

Hmmmm

I've Met Her

2008-10-15T16:54:00.004+11:00

You know how you still hold out hope that IVF will work, even when you've hit the single digit percentages? I mean, you reason, it must work for someone or it would simply be a zero.

Well since I've become a mother, I've met someone who validates the stats.

Trying to get pregnant for 18 months without any success. At 43 told to hurry up and do an IVF cycle, since the clinic hadn't gotten anyone pregnant over that age.

One cycle = bfp
Also = 1 blast in the freezer (this clinic, my old clinic, will not freeze unless they think the embryo is going to be viable when thawed)

I stared at her in disbelief.
I mean if there was such a thing as a travelling IF circus - she would be the star attraction right?

'How many cycles did YOU do'? she asked me
'Six' (plus 2 with a donor)
'Wow, I was done with it after one'

Add to that the decision not to do an amnio - 'because the results were irrelevant'. Her baby is without any health issues whatsoever.

I would never have believed it was possible. Now I know different. Jeez it's difficult not to feel hard done by, when you started and finished younger and got no success at all. Nothing. Never even to freeze.

I'm not even sure a story like this serves as hope - it's just too damn unbelievable to me. It's nice to actually meet someone almost to prove the validity of the stat table, because I have to say I wouldn't have believed it possible.

I'll have to suspend my disbelief, because I think in the not-too-distant future she is planning on doing an FET with that blast.

My Visit

2008-10-10T14:36:00.002+11:00

To the OFG went very well.

A cheerful greeting and catch up followed. BabyG was very well looked after by her assistant.

While I was waiting a man who clearly had many problems (both physical and mental), had just finished his treatment. As he was paying and talking to the OFG assitant I noticed he was only paying a third of the usual fee. Ahh I thought, the OFG does a reduced rate for those in serious need of help.

OFG is a chiro*practor and osteo*path as well as a kinesi*ologist.

After some tapping and counting on my raised left arm, OFG pronouced that 'yes I'm getting that you will have another baby'.

'Lord don't toy with me' I thought.

'Well actually, you always said that I'd have more than one before' I remembered.

More tapping all over, tongue to the roof of my mouth, then to the back of my mouth, then touched by my finger. Ears, head, back swished. Raising and lowering of legs. Roll over. Speck of blood taken from my hand. Hey, now I remember all of this.

My hormones were out (err yeah, and I've got a headache to prove it), my pelvis was out (interesting).

'Yeah well, my transfer has been cancelled' I told her 'I'm not worried about it, because I don't feel ready right now'.
'No, you're not ready at the moment'.

She then went on to tell me that I'd come at a good time, because in a couple of weeks she's off to Hawaii for a conference with updated training in cranial *sacral*therapy, think that's what it was called. So that's what it is.

So now I'm going back again next week for more.

I like the OFG, I like that she believes in me. I like that she looks after the very needy. I've done alot of different things in my pursuit of parenthood. At least she's not charging me hundreds of dollars each week and making me drink putrid tea.

Of Course

2008-10-08T15:43:00.005+11:00

The apparent ease with which we could go straight to an FET has hit a wee speed bump.

'Parently all qualified members of staff capable of doing a transfer on our required dates will be at a mandatory conference. Supposedly this will be the same throughout all clinics in Oz. It's an accreditation thing. Tho I'm sure the really big places will have so many other people, they will be able to run things with a skeleton staff.

Sooo, as from today I'm back on the bcp for the next 21 days then have to start the syna*rel (bleuch!) Call the clinic on my next day 1.

I'm not so worried about this, but being a Plan B. kind of a gal, I'd already calculated that if this transfer doesn't work, we'd be able to get straight onto another one before Xmas. Now that we're qualified for full rebates. Though at this point I haven't sat down with the calendar.

On the positive side, a delay gives me a little more time to get prepared.

I've decided, with some nostalgia, to go back and consult with the therapy known as 'modern day magic' or my 'other fertility goddess', aka the kinesiologist I went to last time.

The bags of money I donated to the original chinese fertility goddess, never really got me any kind of result - except for learning that I quite like acupuncture.

I continued to see the OFG all the way thru my (extremely healthy) pregnancy, and only really stopped once BabyG was born.

If nothing else, I suspect she's a pretty intuitive kind of lady, and being a little that way inclined myself, I think we're a pretty good fit. Other than that I really have no clue how this stuff works.

With a few extra weeks up my sleeve, I can get in some extra sessions and really get rid of all that icky bacteria I'm bound to be breeding unknowingly.

First appointment tomorrow.

As Expected

2008-10-03T15:38:00.004+10:00

Negative.

Feeling okay. Was expecting it. Held out on the pee sticks, just had that feeling. Am disappointed, but picking myself up pretty quickly.

Moving straight to a frozen transfer. Stopping all meds and waiting for bleed. Once that comes call the clinic and 5 days later start back on progy*nova again.

Not sure what happens after that.

Star was shocked, she just expected that it would work. 'Sometimes there's just no reason' I told her. All the circumstances were right, the little embryo just didn't develop.

Thank god we have the frosties.

At least I can have a drink tonight.

Day Before

2008-10-02T10:36:00.003+10:00

My Potential Blood test.

Haven't done a urine test yet, not sure why, I think its because I never really did them in the past. I have a few little superstitions and rituals I stick to.

Other than that, I really don't know where I am.

The pessaries cause so much confusion with the side-effects. I wake up every morning feeling like I have a hangover, I'm exhausted, I feel like I have a cold. None of these things are actually pregnancy-type symptoms that I've ever heard of.

So I'm not feeling that confident. Yeah, thats a way of saying it, without actually saying what I really think.

Ugh.

I think when I do my blood test, I might just ask about the next steps with a frozen transfer. I've never done one before so its completely new territory. That way, I already have my Plan B. in place, and then I'll feel okay.

One thing I've achieved in my 2WW - I'm finally licensed to drive! Big deal I know, but I put it off so long I had to do it the hard way - 120 hours logged driving before I could sit.

Okay, till tomorrow.

Day 12 Post Ovulation

2008-09-29T17:54:00.003+10:00

Progesterone blood test on Saturday, and message left on my messagebank said it was 'perfect' so continue as I am.

Didn't get an exact reading unfortunately. Drat.

Was also advised that blood test is on Saturday, but that I could go in on Friday if I wished...

Is that what I wish?

Not sure yet, prolly.

Hard to talk about symptoms when you know that almost everything is related directly to the prog. pessaries.

How does it feel to be in a 2WW when you have a baby and some frosties? Unfortunately the same. Ridiculous I know, but disappointment doesn't take into account what you should be grateful for, it only deals with the goal at hand.

Common sense tells you otherwise, but again, it has a very small voice in a sea of expectation.

Somewhere deep down (not that far) is the inadequate feeling of the long-time IFer. That feeling that if other people can pick and choose when they want a baby and how many, why can't I?

Not expecting any sympathy, just trying to articulate what's going on in my head.

What is also in my head is knowing that I've barely touched on the 'human' side of this journey.

A couple, a baby, a woman and her child - all spending time together and going thru another cycle to create another life. Photos.

It's funny because we've talked about it - and while it may seem like an extraordinary situation to be in - for Star and I it just feels normal. We would go into the clinic together for appointments and BabyG and Starlet would run around together - charming and fascinating the staff all at the same time.

(Before anyone protests - our clinic gave us appointments - we weren't sitting in a crowded room of women waiting to do blood tests and ultra-sounds. No one else was ever there)

We have a unique relationship and situation.

When I realised donor eggs was going to be the only way for me to have a child, I literally gave myself into the journey and what it would bring. Star says the same thing. Without wanting to sound mystical, this literally feels like it was meant to be. We have no idea what the future holds, but for now we have a fantastic relationship - its more than I ever expected.

Not sure yet if I will POAS ... certainly not for another day or two .... will wait and see how my prog. symptoms develop ...

The Transfer

2008-09-21T09:51:00.002+10:00

Sorry not to update yesterday - busy day.

Transfer went smoothly - 1 perfect 4-cell embie.

5 frozen snowbabies.

Whole new experience for us. A whole lot of hope.

Star was there with me, and was amazed.

Going for LH check next week, haven't been told hcg date yet

More later.

Lots!

2008-09-19T11:17:00.004+10:00

Okay, so my update yesterday was completely wrong ... but here's the great news:

9 embies

As I mentioned I wasn't there when Star was given the details of the pick up, it turns out we got 13 eggs, 10 mature, 3 immature - and 1 caught up. So 11 for ICSI - and we've ended up with 9 embies!

I told the scientist we were really happy with 8!

So it turns out that Star just heard wrong - the scientist said that both her and the doc. spoke to her, and that she went back again when Star was more awake. Apparently not awake enough - must have been some drugs!

Star says now it was the nurse that told her 8.

Clearly, this should have been written down for Star, and in fact someone should have contacted me later. I thought it was odd at the time, but was happy with the result yesterday, so left it.

But how can I complain about such a happy muddle?

Now we're set for a 10am drop off and Star is coming. She says she's feeling great today, she realises now that with the last injections she was starting to get tired.

I had a brief discussion with the scientist that in the event that our embies start going belly-up we transfer more than 1 ... but in reality I really don't want twins, so am happy just to transfer 1 great embryo. She said that they will start freezing the good ones from tomorrow.

Incredible, I've never been in this position before.

I know that we'll lose some, but all I really want to do now is enjoy our good news.

Also ... thanks for all the support ... hey I've got statcounter!

We've Picked Up ...

2008-09-18T14:05:00.004+10:00

Our eggs that is ...

WE GOT 8! YAY!

We're ecstatic. No details at all though, so can't tell you if any are immature. Strangely (I wasn't there when Star was told) the doc. just told her 8. We called in on the clinic and they said they couldn't tell us anything more either.

Now I know for some this might not seem like an amazing haul compared to say getting 18 or 20 or whatever big clinics promise in other lands, but we couldn't be happier.

With an antagonist protocol you're aiming for quality over quantity and after our last cycle we didn't want Star on the stims for the same amount of time (12 or 13 days).

So I reckon 8 eggs after 8 days Pure*gon at 150mg - is just fantastic. (As a comparison when I did my Antagonist cycle I got 3 eggs (1 immature) after 9 days of Pure*gon at 300mg).

We are also of the thinking, that while we'd love to have a couple of snowbabies in the freezer, to 'cover our bases', 'be on the safe side' AND 'just in case'(!), we don't want an entire rugby team (heehee that's 15).

Star also had a much milder anaesthetic, so left the clinic feeling far better than last time.

Now we wait on the fertilisation report.

I quizzed the scientist quickly and she told me all is looking good with our swimmers.

Ugh, this is nerve-wracking. It never gets any easier - after 6 of my own cycles and 1 donor cycle - I'm guessing I won't sleep tonight.

Adios until tomorrow - around mid-morning....

What A Difference A Day Makes

2008-09-16T13:39:00.004+10:00

This morning's scan showed all the 15's up in 17's and 18's and the 20's even bigger.

E2 has now doubled to 10,600

We're triggering tonight for Thursday pick up. Wow.

Pessaries start tonight for me plus stay on progy*nova - but best of all no more syna*rel YAYYYY!

Star and I are quietly hoping for 6 eggies - fingers crossed ...

Amazing, this is 8 days of stims - last cycle Star did 12 days of stims...

In fact everything is in complete contrast to our last cycle, Star and I were talking about it today and can't believe how stressful it was, but we didn't notice then because we were living one day at a time. If the cycle hadn't resulted in BabyG I realise now I should have been seeking a complete refund from the clinic.

In the 'not wanting to get ahead of myself' basket and only because the clinic are talking about it ... but ... if we're lucky, fingers crossed and all going well we will be doing a transfer on Saturday. We're excited about this, because if so, Star will be able to come!

Stay tuned our show is definitely on the road!

Jeez I'm sounding soooo optimistic, scary, better get a grip. Chill, breath, exhale s-l-o-w-l-y. Okay got it.

Interesting

2008-09-15T17:46:00.002+10:00

Scans for all this morning ...

Star's revealed two biggies - 24 and 21 and a few more at the 15 with E2 at 5300 the doc. has decided to keep going tonight and another scan and bloods in the morning.

The thinking is that we want the 15's up, most likely sacrificing the 20's - which we would anyway if we triggered tonight.

I checked back on our last cycle and the day before trigger Star's E2 was at 3500, so at this point we're doing better.

Think we're looking to get around 6 eggs in total - which is fine by me.

My scan - lining 8.5 and showing the triple stripe or whatever it's called. Nothing to worry about.

Unfortunately still going insane on the syna*rel until further notice. Been given my pessaries - the little silver bullets.

Looking likely that trigger could be tomorrow and pick up Thursday, but also just as likely is trigger Wednesday and pick up Friday ...

Swinging between excitement and fear.

Same bat-time tomorrow ladies.

First Scan

2008-09-12T20:00:00.003+10:00

This morning ...

8 on the right, 5 on the left ...

Two are at 15 already, so we're having another blood test tomorrow morning to see how we're looking. The others are all around 10.

Star starts taking the suppression shots tonight at the same time as her pure*gon.

Monday we both go in for scans and bloods - we could be triggering Monday night with a pick up on Wednesday! If not, then Friday.

Star's response has been very different this time to last ...

Nervous and excited.

It's hard not to get carried away when the clinic are so confident we'll get great embryos .... and even talking about having some to freeze. I'd love to roll around and enjoy that confidence, but with our last cycle I'm trying to keep everything real.

We spent the day together and had a nice lunch, a really nice relaxing time.

We're Off

2008-09-09T09:57:00.004+10:00

Day 1 of injections started yesterday.

That means Day 1 of progy*nova started yesterday for me.

Star and I are excited!

First ultrasound and blood test for Star on Friday.

Scary being excited ...

Other things to occupy me while we cycle - my job - looks like it's not going to happen - no one to do job-share. Or I should say the person that said they would, has now said they want full-time.

All that effort in finding child-care - for nothing.

Trying not to think too much about it - hey I'm living my dream to a very large extent.

Nothing Has Changed I See

2008-09-02T17:37:00.004+10:00

Well now I know misunderstandings and confusion still reign in the world of IVF. Not much changes in 20 months.

Star has arrived and we've had our RE appointment and our clinic orientation.

Of course before we got to that point I had forgotten to get my syn*arel script filled by the day I was due to start sniffing.

Syn*arel being the main offender in all the confusion.

At Star's RE appointment, I was asked why I hadn't booked our orientation because Star was due to start her syn*arel... keh?

Then Star was to leave her nuva*ring a few extra days ...

'But I thought my cycle was being matched up to Star's' I stammered ?
'I'm managing a million things right now...' I was told by way of 'stay out of it'.

'It's interesting', I mentioned to the nurse while I was paying, 'but I didn't use syn*arel when I did my antagonist cycle, I used another drug that I injected'...
'Really?' she responded.
Well maybe you do the antagonist with syn*arel and I'm not aware ...

Meanwhile the irrate coordinator from the clinic had organised for Star and I to go in today, since we needed to do the orientation before Star started sniffin'.

'You know I'm not going to worry about it right now, but I'm finding it strange that you're not taking your nuva*ring out till Wednesday night, when I'm meant to be aligned to your cycle and I stop the pill today, and we did think your Day 1. would be this Thursday'...

We were right to be suspicious.

Notes said antagonist, plan generated yesterday said long suppression.

'Well we did plan these dates and flights around what we were told to do', we told our coordinator.

And 'no I don't have a script for pro*genova'.

She fixed everything, what a saint, thank god she was irrate yesterday and fitted us in today.

Now the nuva*ring comes out today and we wait for Day 1 - now expected to be Friday.

Also, it's been a joy to see Star. It's been amazing to see her with BabyG. No, she doesn't see her as her potential child she gave up, she says she simply cares for her alot. And she's great at making her giggle.

A Plan

2008-08-07T14:45:00.002+10:00

So we've achieved a few things in recent weeks here at 'the city'. The Go Gate was getting my scan - ruling out fibroids or anything else that might impede a cycle.

That done and all being as it should (and hello to you d.cam) here's how we're looking:

1. Next appointment booked for me to check in on my cycle as it's being tweaked to match Star's via the bcp.
2. Appointment booked for Star ... here
3. Flights booked

We have a couple of other things to do ie get a prescription filled for the sniffin' drug (for me), updated blood tests and semen analysis for Mr. Star.

We have a cycle plan.

Think I mentioned it before, but Star will be doing an Antagonist Cycle due to the strange outcome of our previous cycle.

The doc. and I had a chat about the many things that went wrong in the cycle that could have at least attributed in some way - Star was never told to stop taking the bcp (her hormones were slow to start rising), she was never told to switch to a new syn.arel, a bunch of things. Basically she was injecting for longer than you would expect, and from what I've read and the scientist mentioned some women's eggs do not fare that well with too much Pure.gon.

Either way we're doing it all different this time, so let's see.

In other news, I found childcare. I'm also really happy with it and it's pretty convenient. I figured we're just not going to get in where we want (round the corner) at least for the foreseeable future. The whole thing was leaving me pretty powerless (ahem), so I have found somewhere else.

At this point I'm waiting to hear if work can accommodate me back 3 days a week. Fingers crossed.

Long Time

2008-07-15T13:50:00.002+10:00

Yes it has been a while ... but you know there's really not much going on here.

BabyG thrives - has been crawling for the last few month and looks to be getting ready to start walking.

I am still on maternity leave - have no idea what to do about work. I'm in a loop - have no childcare - so can't give work a date on when I can return - the childcare centre tells me I should be flexible - but, as I said to them, I currently have no starting point to discuss with work.

Yes I am looking at other places, but in truth we have to find somewhere that works for us - not just anywhere.

Yesterday I saw my RE.

This was the first appointment to begin talking about doing our next cycle.

It's a little overwhelming.

I spoke to Star today, and she's very keen.

Things have changed a little, between our last cycle and this next one. Cost-wise, claimable wise. Not to our advantage. It seems we may have been amongst the luck few to have taken advantage of administrative oversights that have now been corrected.

Cue loop - would be good to be working to help pay for the cycle ... but I haven't got childcare ...

Flying Baby

2008-05-02T13:30:00.003+10:00

Currently Mr. S, BabyG and I are all on holiday.

We decided that since I will not be elligible for Annual Leave when I return to work, that we should do it before.

I've decided that IF is the best preparation for having a baby, since every story you hear about the nightmares with baby's never comes close to the nightmare of IF.

I recently explained to a relative - that since we had to put so much effort into having a baby, I lived with virtually 2 full-time jobs for years, now that we have BabyG - we're doing things a little more instinctively. It works for us, but apparently for some - we should schedule her sleep times. You know what? She sleeps well and we really don't resent her being up with us past 8 pm. I figure we'll get to her bed 'time' down the track.

Also - air travel with a baby is no more difficult that .... ummmm ... air travel in general.

I also think I may have news on cycling with Star again - nothing concrete yet - but we're looking at second half of the year ... more to come.

On returning to work ... currently no childcare - but looking at June. In other words, it's got to move up the priority list when we return from holiday.

Control?

2008-03-08T15:28:00.003+11:00

One of the things I most resented about IF was the fact I felt I had lost control of my life.

When I would hear friends talking about the decisions they made about having a baby then expanding their families I'd have to do quick barely discernible 'in with love, out with anger' breathing exercise.

DECISIONS I would think, what gives them the right to make decisions about their lives, who do they think they are???

I came to realise that the best way for me to live was to give in to it. Relax, like they say to do if you're ever in a car crash - that way, with your body being relaxed, you won't feel the impact of the car crashing into either another car or a telegraph pole and you will live thru it. Apparently.

Yeah, just being able to say 'I'm living thru it' felt like success alot of the time.

So, maybe control freakishly, I look forward to gaining back some of my life.

Some day.

Having a MIL 'tell' me she is having a babyseat fitted into her car makes me feel a little uncomfortable - in the IF way.

'Ummmm, you know that babyseat your mother is having fitted in her car?' I asked DH
'Yeah'
'Well, I just want you to know that I'm a long way off being comfortable with the idea of BabyG being driven around town without either you or I present'
'Well that's not the idea, and actually both my grandmothers drove me around'
'Keh? When you were 6 months old? Aaaaand, btw, we're not living in the 70's anymore, back then it was still legal to drive without a seatbelt'.

Don't think my IF methods of coping will work.

In The Last Week ...

2008-01-26T12:24:00.001+11:00

Thank you for your kind comments.

What I guess I should say is that I do want to continue writing. I know the emotions I felt as my journey often felt more like a meander, while everyone around me had families. I just want to make sure I stay on top of my game - and hope I am sensitive enough.

More than anything I'm blown away that I may be able to grow my family.

I still can't believe I met Star, the friendship we've formed, that she will do this again for us. I'm following her life journey as she takes brave steps to fulfil her own dreams.

Just when it seemed infertility had been a hateful curse, somehow quite unexpectedly I find myself at an extraordinary place in my life.

Star left the country yesterday.

In the last week I've had several phone consultations with my RE. He says when we go again we will be doing the Antagonist Protocol with Star. Therefore she will be here in the country for Day 1. of her cycle and everything will be managed from here - nothing by remote, and more appealing to Star - no sniffing!

I think this is a two-fold decision - not just easier to manage from his perspective - but I have read that this protocol seems to get better quality eggs. Anyone that was here for our last cycle will remember that the reason we have to go again is that none of our remaining embryos made it into the freezer or past Day 3. (we did a Day 2. transfer of 1 embryo).

So we managed to cram in getting a new GP referral for Star (for the RE), a counselling session since this is a 2nd cycle and Star's circumstances have changed, and all her blood tests up to date and completed (including the illusive full Cystic Fibrosis screen that was never done last time). She even got her last shot of her cervical cancer immunisation!

Since Star was still living in another state till she left, it was back to the fun and games of long ago - lost pathology requests, labs closing early, tracking down counsellors!

Mission accomplished. Getting all this done now just makes life easier and in reality cheaper to do here than in another country.

Other than that Mr. S and I will need to go and see our RE a couple of months out from when we want to cycle.

In the meantime we've got other things to get on with - a holiday, work out my plans for going back to work (not till at least May at this stage) - and all that entails.

Later.

Well ...

2008-01-17T11:52:00.000+11:00

I'm really not sure where to take this blog, or if its time to stop.

We will be continuing our journey to grow our little family, and working thru that and the various scenarios will be complicated. As a ballpark, we'll be looking at kicking it off sometime in the second half of 2008.

I realise that being in this position takes me out of the IF World, but where to next?

I'm too scared to talk to a RL friend about it - because she's at the point of giving up (no more IVF - has given up) and it will be the worst news in the world for her to hear. BUT even though she knows my entire story and how we come to have BabyG, she keeps insisting that she will not be going 'there'.

So we have a family because we pushed on, and she doesn't because she won't.

I walk on eggshells around her - I'm the filtering point for others who are scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. It's like I'm reliving my last 5 years of infertility and its exhausting. The decision to stop treatment is huge - I couldn't have ever made the decision not to have a family, I wouldn't have known how I was going to live the rest of my life. So I have endless understanding and empathy for the pain of failed cycles, but at the same time there is a point at which I can't relate, I forged on until something worked.

It feels like the expectation is that we should be grateful to have BabyG and let that be that. To want more is selfish and just rubbing salt into the wounds of others. Does everyone that underwent fertility treatment stop at one? I don't think so, but maybe they just disappear.

Maybe I've just reached the happily ever after point in this blog? Maybe going back for more is a whole other blog, because writing is what got me thru and not having that outlet is going to be difficult.

Not Yet!

2007-12-12T10:50:00.000+11:00

Just for the record I'm not about to start a cycle anytime soon.

Talking to Star so soon was about figuring out what we will do down the track. Star's plans to move overseas expedited the conversation that was always going to happen. If Star was not so keen to repeat the experience it would have meant we would have looked into other options.

Deciding to reactivate our files on the overseas program would prolly mean it would take another 9 months to happen.

Time is a big factor in all our decision-making.

As it is, I haven't reactivated anything since Star has said she would cycle again.

I had my post-birth check up, and my OB. thinks we should look at having another one within a year. He says we should be well settled with BabyG first. His view is that BabyG should definitely have a brother or sister. Obviously a personal opinion, but one also based on the fact that I handled the pregnancy and birth so well.

I am extremely grateful to have the beautiful BabyG, I'm not looking for more drama in my life - I just don't want BabyG to be an only child.

My emotional state is in such a different place to what it was a year ago - it's not something I've really gone into.

But what I can say is the sheer determination is worth it.

Though I have all the scars that IF brought, I feel much lighter. The heavy burden of the daily pain and grief I carried for so long has lifted, not to mention the continual simmering anger I struggled to keep a lid on.

Some things never changed, never once throughout my entire pregnancy did I set foot into a maternity wear shop. I bought my jeans and a couple of tops online and got by with stretchy clothes. For some reason the thought of going in and talking about being pregnant in those stores was a no-go. I could talk about it in regular shops - but for some reason maternity stores represented something I couldn't deal with.

I haven't worked out how long to stay on maternity leave yet either. At least another 3 months. The contractor doing my job is not working out - so my boss tells me. Two weeks spent on handover - and this happens! He has asked if I want job-share when I come back - a dream offer actually. At the moment I can't imagine leaving BabyG with anyone, but I've been told that as she gets stronger it won't seem so horrifying.

Christmas is always a time of reflection. Previous Christmases I haven't even wanted to spend with family members because they all had children. For the last 4 years Christmas Days have been spent wondering if a cycle has worked or not - in fact in 2005 finding out on the day it hadn't worked.

I'm sad but hopeful for everyone still on their journey.

So ...

2007-11-30T20:59:00.000+11:00

I asked Star the question .... and .... the answer is ...

YES!

She said that she had already thought about it and while she will not cycle for anyone else, she will help us add to our family.

We have no idea how we will do it, but we know we can work it out.

Star is moving overseas - so next time we will be doing an international cycle.

I'm thrilled and soooo excited!

It's more than I could have hoped for.

First things first - I have my post-birth check up next Wednesday.

Everything feels like it's healed well (my check up should have been a few weeks ago but my Ob. was overseas).

I'm going to ask him his thoughts on when he thinks I could plan on carrying again.

It may seem too soon to be thinking or planning this .... BUT in my world, BabyG took 5 years - the next one has got to come along alot sooner.

Reality is - with the way we're going to be going about things - we're going to need alot of planning time.

So... that's where we're at!

What Next?

2007-11-23T13:52:00.001+11:00

The question is 'what do I do with my blog'?

Essentially this is no longer an infertility blog, I've crossed over to the side I never thought I'd get to. I also have no intention of writing a baby blog.

Needless to say I have had the same issues with breastfeeding etc., but have arrived at a place I am happy with. Others have written about this better - and reading thru the comments they've received has helped me enormously.

But ... our journey continues. We have decided we'd like a sibling for BabyG.

Apologies for not publishing her name, but the conumdrum with choosing a name that would seem to be reasonably unique, living in Sydney is that I'm worried we are easily identifiable. This blog is still very private and no one in my RL (apart from Mr. S) know that I write it.

So my blog stays focussed on infertility - but on how we will achieve adding to our family.

We have nothing in the freezer from our cycle with Star so this is where the challenge begins.

Star and I are still very much in contact - but she is moving overseas. At the time of our cycle I was open with her that I'd like more than one child. When we thought our cycle was kaput she was prepared to go again.

Now her life has changed and we haven't revisited this topic.

Oh yes, then there's Mr. S. Whenever we discussed this in the past he was always sure he'd be happy with one. All the way thru my pregnancy and even up to a couple of days before the birth. Yesterday when we talked about it - he said he'd love us to continue on. They say that women are the great mystery! I'm joking it's obvious to me, and I think that's why I never panicked - our experience has been so positive and he is almost staggered by how much he loves BabyG - men really are no mystery they just seem to need to experience everything.

Our first step will be to talk to Star. We're also going to reactivate our files in the overseas program we were in.

More later.

Here She Is

2007-10-06T13:07:00.001+10:00

Hard to believe we waited 5 years for her arrival, now it all seems irrelevant.

She's Here

2007-09-25T20:04:00.000+10:00

She arrived at 8.37am on Thursday 20th September - a day before our 5th wedding anniversary!

She weighed in at 3.94 kgs (just under 9lbs) and measured 52cm.

The 'ribbon' did the trick! I had it inserted at around 8pm, then around 12.30pm felt a 'pop' and realised my waters had broken. The nurses were sure that I'd then settle back down and go to sleep ready for the drip in the morning.

But my contractions started, Mr. S had to come speeding back to the hospital at 2am and at 3am - on my request I was assessed and found to be 8cm dilated!

Me - in wheelchair - Mr S. running behind with my bag were rushed into the Labour Ward - where I was told and I was now fully dilated and that the baby would arrive before an epidural.

I had a quick go with the gas - but have now realised I'm one of the ones who get nauseous - so I'm now having a 'drug free birth'!

Since I'd gone so fast, the doc. expected the next stage would go the same way - unfortunately 4 hours later it became apparent that while I'd pushed the baby down and round the corner - she was then 'wedged' - I'm pushing and she's moving then retreating. I'd had the drip set up and been given the Syntocinon to increase my contractions and make them last longer(!)

At 7.30am - the doc. decided I would have to have an assisted delivery and that they'd get an anaesthetist and give me an epidural for it.

Once that happened - lord how do they just 'switch off' pain like that? - I pushed when told and the doc. got her out with forceps.

She's beautiful - we can't believe we're parents.

Will get a pic up here soon.

Yes I'm Still Here

2007-09-19T11:25:00.001+10:00

But not for much longer.

Just returned from my Ob. appointment.

The internal-to-include-the-stretch revealed that I'm still nowhere near ready to go into spontaneous labour.

The plan is that I now have to go into hospital this evening and be ready to be induced first thing tomorrow morning.

It would appear that while I haven't taken after my mother in terms of 'getting pregnant at the drop of a hat', I have with 'pregnancy'! Five children - all 2 weeks late.

I asked my Ob. what the story is - I mean in an IVF pregnancy there is no doubt about conception date and time. So what determines when a baby is to be born - is it when the baby is ready or when the mother is?

He seems to think it's the mother - but it's not something that has ever been conclusively proven with humans. IVF would appear to be a very good control for this theory.

It's funny while I've never had the 'grand birth plan', the one thing I never considered was being induced - it's always been will I end up having a natural birth or a caesarian? Will I need an epidural?

So while I was initially upset - I'm making myself see the bright side - I'll be in hospital and everything will be monitored carefully all the way.

So there you have it - I actually have a birth plan now.

Well Who Would Have Thought?

2007-09-17T18:27:00.001+10:00

I'm still here - and baby hasn't moved!

Things staying as they are, I see my Ob next on Wednesday, and then he will do another internal - that will include a delightful extra known as a cervical stretch. With luck that will get things moving.

Should that not do the trick - I will be induced on Friday.

So there is an end date in sight - but not a road I particularly want to travel.

Then again, I didn't want to travel the IF road either ... who does?

My pregnancy has been wonderful - so I just have to keep remembering that.

Jeez, must be 5 Star accommodation in that cervix of mine!

Guess What?

2007-09-10T19:11:00.000+10:00

I'm still here!

We're 40 weeks - official due date tomorrow.

Still feeling pretty good, and amazingly, still getting to sleep at night.

Organised?

Bag packed - check
Cot - check
Pedicure - check
Hair cut and dyed - check

Now there's no way any midwife is going to be saying to another - 'the woman with the grey roots wants an epidural'!

Should we get there - my next appointment with the Ob is on Wednesday. We have loosely discussed what next - but let's just see.

Even with the absolute accuracy of knowing when fertilisation occured you get with IVF - as my Ob says 'babies don't read the manual, they'll come when they're ready'.

Hold on.

Still Here

2007-09-03T19:12:00.001+10:00

Now just on 39 weeks pregnant.

Finished work last week - and feeling a little strange about that. Have to figure out a few things - like what do non-working people do for lunch? I'm used to going to a cafe every day and buying something!

My 'rubber glove' check-up with the Ob. last week revealed that everything looking good for a 'close to date' delivery. Our scan showed us measuring low average - but the Ob reckons we've averaged up a bit.

I was a little worried our baby keeps spinning on it's head and could now be facing spine in (posterior?), but after feeling my belly he reckons we're still spine out.

Still feeling pretty good - except for the regular bouts of heartburn.

Definitely scared about the 'time' coming up - but figure it'll follow it's own course and drag me along with it.

In case you're wondering, Star and I still catch up - and she is very excited.

Far out - what a time - I look back and can't believe where we are. I also can't believe we've got here with so little fuss.

Next update - could be an interesting one.

Classes

2007-08-08T17:09:00.000+10:00

This morning’s check up with the OB revealed everything to be tracking along just fine.

Including baby’s head – which is apparently ‘well down’.

Next week we have a 36 week scan – and we will get an idea on baby size.

Last weekend we finally did the first of two ante natal classes. Neither of us being able to stand 8 weeks of 2 hours – we opted for the faster version over two Sundays in a row.

Naturally we were the last to arrive at the class (Sunday afterall!) – and missed out on introducing ourselves, getting a name badge, and also got the shit bean bags without pillows.

‘Good’ said Mr. S ‘I like being anonymous’.

This first week was to cover labour, including a visit to the labour ward, neo natal ward, practising labour positions and watching several videos including two actual births – one water, one natural – both seemed to be sans pain killer and …. Clothing.

‘Ummm, are ALL women naked when they give birth’? someone timidly asked.
‘Actually no, that just seems to be for the video – you can wear your own t.shirt or a hospital gown’.

Cue – audible sigh around the room!

Interesting (to me) there was only one couple who were going to the Birthing Centre – everyone else had an Obstetrician. This was the opposite to what I thought would happen – EVERYONE we know has opted for the Birthing Centre. Either there is a change in trend or we were in the class that was bucking the trend.

All in all it was helpful – especially the information on the various pain relief available.

Of course we felt like complete outsiders amongst everyone else who was normal.

Today at my Ob. Appointment we spoke about the pain relief options.

‘The teacher seemed to imply it was odd that only around 47% of women opt to try the gas’ I told him.
‘Well each situation is different, if someone comes into the Ward very distressed, we’re not going to advise them to use it because it’s short lasting and they are going to need something to last far longer like an epidural’.
‘Oh’
‘Basically we assess people when they come in, ideally we keep women on their feet as long as possible [once on an epidural you are bed-bound], if someone comes in and is doing well – we might suggest they have a shower and maybe we can get them through with gas. It’s very individual, and you won’t know until it’s happening’.

This exchange made me feel very comfortable.

On my way out I bumped into a girl from the class.

‘Oh my god, I’ve been so freaked out since that class I haven’t been able to focus on anything beyond getting thru the birth’! she exclaimed.
‘Well I guess the main thing that concerned me’ I explained ‘was not the actual birth, but the build up to it – you just don’t know how long it could go on for – and for most of the time you’ll be at home’.
‘Well I’m booking in for an epidural – are you?’ she asked me expectantly.
‘I’m not sure it’s something you book in for at this stage – they like to see how you’re going when it’s happening’.

As we said goodbye, we said we’d see each other this Sunday.
‘We’ll be leaving early this week – the last sessions seem to be about relationships and we have to be somewhere else’ I told her [a christening].
‘When is that session, we’re going to leave too’!

Maybe we’re not so abnormal afterall.

Cold and Chilly

2007-07-20T12:22:00.000+10:00

‘You’re very compact’ my Ob. Advised.

‘That’s good’, he followed up with. ‘It means you’ve got a good metabolism, you haven’t put on much weight so far, and you’ve got the biggest growth period coming up (34-38 weeks)’.

‘Doctor – all-day, every-day people talk to me about my size – they all keep saying ‘you’re all baby’.

‘Yes, they’re right, are you worried about anything’.

‘Hmmmm ... well - if I’m very compact – do I have enough amniotic fluid?’

‘Yes, but I may do a scan at 36 weeks, just to check everything is good, but actually I couldn’t be happier with you’.

He also advised we were no longer in ‘breech’ position. Eek, that word! Two weeks ago when he told Mr. S if he put his hand just above the belly button he could feel the head it seemed cute. I wasn’t thinking ‘Breech’ = scene from a cottage in a medieval village with a large ruddy faced midwife calling for towels and not looking anyone in the eye!

Meanwhile my cold took a firm hold (sorry), after more time off work, staying home, staying warm, drinking lots of fluids for 4 straight days and feeling no better, I went back to the doctor.

‘Well you’re doing all the right things, but I think now it’s time to take some anti-biotics and start knocking these infections over’.

‘No worries’.

Seriously, if the solution had been pigs blood I would’ve had the same response.

Three weekends housebound, numerous time off work, I’ve got to start feeling better.

It’s no surprise - conditions for the ‘perfect storm’ as they say – sad emotional times mixed with the coldest winter in 50 years (apparently) collide perfectly.

It’s always the same with me – my emotional state being linked so closely with my health.

‘Of course it’s no surprise’ echoed my kinesiologist. ‘This is bacterial, not viral’, ‘yeah good’ I thought. She did some work on my current emotional blockages – sadness and anger, as well as trying to clear thru all the bacteria. ‘Two or three days’ was her verdict.

Great, look forward to it.

Moving On

2007-07-04T14:39:00.000+10:00

It’s been a week since my dad’s funeral.

Unfortunately all the well-intended advice was true. When he did eventually pass away, it was a horrible shock. I never believed that something we had been anticipating for more than 8 weeks could still be a shock. The only thing I can think of is that life adapts along the way into a strange place where terminal illness becomes part of everyday life. Then it ends and there’s nothing there to take it’s place.

A funeral is a great farewell – sad and sometimes hard – a necessary moment in time.

Then life goes on.

This isn’t a concept any of us are unfamiliar with – those ‘us’ that have been dealing with IF and the wretchedness that often accompanies failed cycles and miscarriage/s – while life rolls merrily along for everyone else.

Both Mr. S and I also managed to pick up stinking colds along the way, so that our days on return were spent staring at Wimble.don match replays.

A surprise at my recent Ob appt. – ‘no weight gain this month’ the nurse said.

I really think she’s reading the scales wrong – I don’t think she waits for the needle to stop moving.

On the other hand, I’ve never really been sure about my weight in recent years due to back to back IVF cycles. So what my real starting weight was is somewhere within 2-3 kilos.

‘It’s not a problem’ the doctor reassured me ‘as long as the bump is growing’.

Okay then.

Because it is.

Same Strangeness

2007-06-19T16:39:00.000+10:00

Things continue pretty as they have since my last post.

That is to say, it feels like I’m living in a kind of twilight zone.

It’s very difficult to make plans – say for a week out – when you think – well this time next week we might need to be on a plane to get to my dad’s funeral.

Daily updates are starting to feel ghoulish. My poor father, daily updates, horrible to imagine that life comes to this, but when it does, this upturned world is what passes for normal. Talking about it so candidly also becomes normal in everyday conversation. Normal for me, not sure sometimes how that feels for others.

Hard to believe doctors can be so inaccurate with their blunt assessments. We’re nearly 7 weeks since our 7-10 day countdown. There is no chance of a remission. Well I guess there are, depending on your take on miracles.

But I guess in my own upside down world, I’ve had plenty of those blunt assessments too.

I’m 28 weeks pregnant, and if I’m to believe what I’m told, it suits me.

Certainly I never expected to feel this good.

I continue to see the kinesiologist, she’s got me taking a great supplement, I can only guess that this is why I’m full of energy. At my recent appointment, she announced that she couldn’t be happier ‘you’re in great shape’. All possible parasites, bacteria’s, viruses absent, all baby’s needs are being met, my overall health is fantastic.

Alot to take in really.

The journey to get here, sometimes questioning if I was wrong to be so determined.

All I think now is – intuition – trust it.

Strange Time

2007-05-28T15:39:00.000+10:00

When you're told someone in your family has 7-10 days to live, time takes on a new meaning. Everything quickly speeds up, fear and panic join together, and plans are quickly made. As the time ticks by, the tension mounts.

When that time has passed, everything slows down again.

It's now been more than 26 days since we were given the initial estimate of time.

It's an interesting sort of emotion - annoyed - but with the doctor - not with the person that has out-lived expectations.

What happens in the meantime is that your own life has essentially been on hold, and suddenly you've got to rejoin it.

The doctor says that her initial estimate was based on the rapid decline she had seen in the past month, now she says that decline has slowed down. Now ... she says that this could go on for weeks.

So I have returned home and back to work. Daily calls cover things like - how the night went and is there any change.

One of my friends asked if it was hard to talk about?

'No, when a nightmare scenario becomes your reality, you just seem to adapt'.

Strange, it feels like I've been here before.

Meanwhile, I'm now 25 weeks pregnant. I'm finally starting to look like I may be pregnant (in fact I was asked when I was due by a stranger for the first time last week). At my next appointment with my Ob (Thursday), I will be doing the glucose test to check for Gestational Diabetes.

Hiccup

2007-05-08T19:41:00.000+10:00

My current thing is that life can be very messy.

Mr. S and I have had to come to NZ as things have not been going well with my father. We had already planned on making a trip and were booked to leave next Saturday. In 24 hours we had to change everything.

When my mother told the doctor that she had 3 children living overseas, she was asked 'if they wanted to see their father alive?'
'Yes'
'Well tell them to come within the next 7-10 days'.

So here we are.

Life is very messy and mostly does not go to plan. If it did, well our trip would next week would have been for a nice catch up.

We are grateful to have had this time - since we've been able to sit and have some nice chats with him since we got here. Other times we've just been sitting quietly and reading, and in fact that is not depressing, it is very peaceful.

We take every day as it comes, and even manage to have a laugh sometimes.

I find it hard to know whether to update with this kind of thing, but on the other hand I just don't like the idea of back-dating either.

More later.

Sugar & Spice

2007-04-24T14:24:00.000+10:00

It seems to be a big thing here whether you find out gender or not.

Almost everyone we know hasn’t found out – but those that do – will more often than not announce a name at the same time.

Mr. S and I just always thought we would. Maybe we figured since we started out with the help of modern science, we continue? Who knows, but I’ve always thought that the labour and delivery will be enough of a surprise for me in one go.

I keep calling it intuition, but quite unexpectedly as my pregnancy progressed I became more and more certain I was carrying a girl. The day we got a positive result was the first time I thought so and it didn’t go away, once I started feeling movement, I became convinced. I stayed convinced, when my chiropractor told me I was having a boy.

‘But I just feel like I’m having a girl’ I kept saying.

So much so that at a wedding a couple of weeks ago, when another couple asked us if we would find out – I told them confidently we were having a girl. Of course Mr. S guffawed at the time and said that people always thought they knew and were always wrong. NOW ... he says I had a 50% chance of being right, so the odds were in my favour.

So we decided we would find out and just tell people we were keeping it to ourselves. We’ll see how long we hold out.

As for names, we have around 10, and they’re more or less just thoughts.

In the nearly five years since we first started trying to have a baby, most of our favourites have been taken.

It’s a kind of WIP research project. A friend suggested if she was having a girl, she’d investigate French names.

‘That’s a good idea, why don’t you do that?’ enthused Mr. S.
‘Yeah okay, it’ll be just like when I investigated donor eggs won’t it?’ I suggested somewhat sarcastically.

The problem is, Mr. S. will err on the side of conservative, and I don’t want to.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I want to do something idiotic, but I just don’t get the ‘but they’ll get teased at school’ line.

EVERYONE gets teased at school – every Julie.Smith or Karen.Jones – got a nickname.

BTW, I told Star, and she said she’d thought I’d be having a girl too.

Scan

2007-04-17T17:24:00.000+10:00

I always wondered what it would feel like once the baby would start moving. I wondered if it would be a strange feeling, not entirely pleasant that you put up with. I think it was one of those things I was kind of scared about.

In fact, the opposite is true.

It’s a lovely feeling.

In fact it’s made me think about a little person. A little person turning around and around, and stretching in its bed. Already, with its own little personality.

Yesterday we had our 19 week scan.

By now we were able to rule out 75% of abnormalities – including cleft palate, spina bifida, club feet and any heart abnormalities. We saw the brain had developed to the right stage – I think we were told the ‘figure 8’ was responsible for current growth and movement. We switched colour on and off to check blood flow from the heart, and the umbilical cord confirming all was good and that we had a 3-strand cord. We even saw little kidneys. Waist, head, limbs and spine measurements taken.

Our baby was v.naughty, did not stop moving the entire time - even when asked by the sonographer. At times I could feel the movement while watching it! Hid its head under my belly button, and pushed its legs down so low it took ages to check for feet. Hands moving the entire time – at one point both hands in front of face – peek-a-boo style. It made it difficult to check.

‘See there, that’s one hand, see the 4 fingers?’
‘Yeah I do ... when does the 5th finger grow?’
‘Oh, it’s around the other side, there – the thumb’
‘Phew’

We were unable to get a decent head profile, or a frontal face image – as I’ve seen in other peoples scan pictures. Our best shot – baby lying almost in a complete circle – feet nearly touching head!

This is a great outcome. As good as it could be. Unfortunately an IF veteran will always worry about the ‘unknown’ 25%. Hate to think what that includes.

We were spot on in growth – 19 weeks. Ha! So I am ‘normal’ even though I’m not showing that much.

An official zucchini (or courgette if you prefer).

Oh yeah, my intuition has been correct, we’re having a girl. But we’re going to keep it to ourselves for a while.

Baby-mania

2007-04-10T14:10:00.000+10:00

I remember reading a feature written by a journalist where he was bemoaning the predicament he had found himself in at social gatherings since having a baby.
He would find that the host would inevitably say ‘Oh meet so-and-so, they’ve got a baby too’. He found himself wedged in the company of people he had nothing in common with – except that they were both fathers.

I think it starts even earlier than that.

Since I have ‘come out’ at work, I now find myself inundated with other people’s baby photo’s.

‘Oh you’re having a baby, I’ll have to send you the photo’s of my daughter’s Easter Parade(!)’

And she did – six photo’s emailed to me within 10 minutes. I gave them a polite cursory glance, then deleted them, then thought, what now? Do I have to rush over breathlessly and gush?

That’s the second time it happened in one day. The other time, I was handed photo’s to look at while the doting father looked on proudly.

Because I’m having a baby, am I now expected to become a certain ‘mumsie’ kind of person?

The seeming contradictory thing with me and my struggles with infertility are that though I’ve been absolutely driven in my goal to have a family, I’ve never been the desperate clucky type. Before my struggles, I never goo-gooed or ga-gaed around babies, and it would seem that gene hasn’t kicked in since.

I loathe all the predictable baby ravings.

I think its part of the reason I took so long to tell people at work – I wanted to hold back the wave of baby-mania for as long as possible.

I mean clearly I am not anti-baby – just all the bull**** that seems to come with it.

I realise it’s fruitless to fight against what now has become the norm – the total worshipping of babies/children – but do I have to subvert my entire identity to become a mother?

We all wonder how profoundly we have been affected by IF, and how we will differ from the regular fertile mothers, but in my case this isn’t a sign of any lingering bitter attitude towards the fertile, it’s just the way I’ve always been. I wonder if I’ll have to keep a lid on my natural cynicism in order to deflect any accusations of ‘oh she was infertile, that’s why she is the way she is’. Maybe all that play-acting at being normal along the way will have to continue way, way into the future?

I guess it’s just as well I became good at it.

We would most definitely seem to have hit vegetables – Week 18 – large sweet potato.
I’m not entirely sure, but I 'think' I may have started feeling the first signs of movement – last night - a weird fluttery, bubbly feeling – low down – just above my pubic bone. Then again toay. At first I thought it was the gross daily intrusion of gas, then I realised it was in the wrong spot. I’m chuckling to myself – I still don’t look pregnant and I can feel movement!

You're Having A Baby?!

2007-04-05T12:10:00.000+10:00

So I finally told work my news.

I didn’t get the predicted response. I had been told to expect that most people would say they suspected as much.

Quite the opposite in my case.

‘Are you serious?’
‘I had no idea’
‘4 months, you’re kidding!’
‘I sit next to you, and I haven’t noticed anything’

Interesting isn’t it?

‘Maybe because you’ve been through so much IVF, you’re used to the tiredness and dealing with it at work, you didn’t seem any different’ Good friend Flossy said.

Well maybe.

Of course now, 2 days later, EVERYONE is telling me that they can now tell!

‘What are you going to do, are you going to come back or not?' my boss asked.
‘Sorry to be vague, but the truth is, I really don’t know, at the very least I’ll be taking 6 months off ... the very least’.
My work entitlements mean that I get paid 3 months + my leave entitlements, and my job will be held for me for a year. A contractor will be found for this time.
My boss is okay with this, his wife was a driven career woman, once she had her first child she decided she wanted to stay home.

It’s not something I can really think about right now, I just don’t know how I’ll feel. Economics may mean I have to go back. Deciding that we want to try for another baby may also determine what I do. How is it that some women know exactly what they’re going to do, maybe everything else has gone to plan in their lives?

Today was also the day of my second visit to my Ob. I got a shock. I’ve put on over 2 kilos since my last visit.

I was shocked because I still fit all my usual clothes.

My appointment was after lunch, so I had downed a huge fruit smoothie on my way, and in fact was dying to go to the loo. I’m hoping there was a lot of water weight.

‘Try not to put too much weight on in the first 20 weeks’ my Ob advised.
He also advised that he wasn’t worried about me at this point since when women put on too much weight it goes mainly on thighs and backside and since I’m still easily fitting my jeans that hasn’t happened.

Next visit is first thing in the morning AND I’m taking my shoes off.

Other than that shock, it was great to hear the heartbeat again – found straight away this time.

Weird size comparison this week (17) a large onion!

Morphology scan has been booked for the 16th April.

Other Unexpected Reactions

2007-03-27T12:14:00.000+10:00

I continue to be surprised by some of the reactions we’ve received.

In my last post I mentioned that we had had to let Mr. S. parents know our news via the phone due to an outbreak of shingles. This weekend we were able to go over and see them in person.

Once we’d settled down after the ‘wonderful news’ exclamations, I was surprised to hear that they themselves hadn’t told any of their friends or extended family.

‘We haven’t told anyone else yet’ the told us.
‘Well you can tell people, we’re 16 weeks now’.
‘Oh, we felt funny telling anyone’.

Later I asked Mr. S -
‘Why aren’t they telling anyone, we waited till we were really safe to tell them (14 weeks!), are they still worried that something could go wrong?’
‘Maybe, but maybe they’re also still getting used to the idea, like us’.
‘Right’

I’ll leave it alone, but I find it slightly disarming. It’s taken ME all this time, and I’m still scared, I still check the loo every time I go. If I’m at work, and other people are in there, I wait for them to leave to check – I’m scared that if I see blood I’ll scream.

But that’s me, I’m an IF veteran with a bloody awful history. I’m not sure if this is a form of neediness, but when I told my mother my fears, she assured me that as an obstetric nurse, once you make 16 weeks you’re safe.

Yes, there are awful things that can happen, and believe me, I’m aware of ALL those things. But at this point, a second trimester loss is a less than 1% chance, and (god help us) should it happen, I would expect it to be treated as an out-of-the-ordinary horrific event. It’s not something that I want people around me considering as a real possibility, I want them to be excited.

Maybe this is the first of my own expectations to be squashed – my expectations on how I anticipated ‘expectant’ grandparents to be?

I’ve also become aware of the desire for people to believe we are The Miracle Couple.

My mother for one, she told me that she reckons that though we needed fertility treatment to achieve this pregnancy, that we will easily fall pregnant with a second!

Mrs S. Senior told me that she expects that once she does start tell our news, that she’ll get the 20 questions ie ‘is it an IVF baby’.

‘Well we don’t mind, you can tell people that this is the result of fertility treatment’
‘I’ll tell them that it’s your business’ (and not theirs!)
‘Okay’

Jeez, it’s not our intention to burst anyone’s bubble, but there is obviously still a need to want to believe that ‘we’re normal’.

Our intentions have always been to be completely open about using Star’s egg, this makes it hard.

‘Maybe you should just blurt it out to everyone and think ‘I don’t give a f*** what you think’! best friend Flossy advised. (More on Flossy later)
‘Yeah well, that approach might work in some cases, but this is not the right time to do that – particularly with my family.’

Apart from a difficult sister, things have progressed with my fathers’ illness. I don’t want to go into detail right now, but my sister has advised that she believes he is at the beginning of the ‘final phase’ of his illness. What we don’t know is how long that phase will last. Maybe six months, maybe nine at best. We haven’t been given the blunt assessment yet from the doctor.

But for now, he is overjoyed with our news, why would I want to challenge that?

Avacado – around 41/2 inches (11.4cm). From now we now enter a period of rapid growth. That should be interesting, because I’m still wearing all my own clothes and do not look pregnant. It doesn’t phase me, except for the fact that without yet feeling any kicking or movement, it kind of plays into the insecurities a little ...

Reactions

2007-03-20T14:24:00.000+11:00

A week or so ago we started telling people our news – our families and some of our friends.

We decided we didn’t want to do the GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT email. We’d tell our family first then friends as we see them.

We’ve also decided that we’ll tell people the whole story when we’re ready, right now, we’re pregnant and that’s all we want to focus on. This is the short version – the truth is we will tell some people outright we’ve done a donor cycle (Mr. S parents), and others with what we’re referring to as ‘measured transparency’ that is when the time is right (my parents). For some, now is not the right time.

Mr. S mother currently has shingles, so our face-to-face announcement was shelved. In true Mr. S low-key style he slotted the news into the middle of his conversation on the phone. Something like ... ‘Umm, well since shingles is contagious, we won’t come over ... because Sparkle is pregnant ... anyway hope you’re not feeling too bad’. Consequently it took Mrs. S Senior a little while to register. Once she had, she was crying ‘tears of joy’. It’s a wonderful feeling to make other people so happy

My family got an email (since most don’t live in the same country as us), and (mostly) they are all very happy for us, my mother said it was the best news she’d had in months (my father is not well at the moment). Two of my sisters and my brother are equally happy. However ... one of my sisters ... you may remember her from either this post. We are estranged, we have been for some time, but in recent months we’ve reached the point of emails and had a couple of phone calls.

Two days after I’d sent my email – nothing – I asked my other sister what could be going on? ‘She’s jealous’ was the answer.

Keh? Jealous? She has two children and everything else she wants in the world.
‘She doesn’t want you to have what she has’
‘Well that’s way too complicated for me’.

The weekend passed. Nothing. Monday morning at work I check my email – 10pm the night before an email had been sent. I read it, took a deep breath and read it again.
How strange, it was a ‘copy and paste’ of my email congratulations to her on her last pregnancy (now a baby boy).

There is something quite unnerving about having your own words emailed back to you – it’s a weird feeling – because ‘our’ words are us – kind of an alphabetical fingerprint. We all talk and write with our own style – mine happens to be mostly bereft of ‘flowery sentiment’. My sisters’ isn’t. Her email pregnancy announcements were giddy – ‘over-the-moon’, ‘ecstatic’, ‘overjoyed’ – you know the types of verbs. Mine, on the other-hand: ‘very happy’. Full stop. That’s just who I am, I find it embarrassing expressing - or more accurately – too ego-centric to be expressing such over-the-top emotions.

Mr. S decided there were three possible explanations (once he’d stopped laughing) 1. It was a complete coincidence – we decided that was around a 1% chance; 2. She didn’t like my congratulatory note at the time, and decided to send it back – a taste of my own medicine or 3. There’s something going on that we don’t know about – she’s angry about something and we’re not aware of it.

Either way, this level of immaturity astounds me. It is also something I can’t be bothered with, you know we’re estranged for a reason. She has grown into a selfish woman, her natural competitiveness with her siblings has slowly poisoned her and developed into something horrific, she has lost her ability to feel happy for people.

I’ve toyed with the idea of emailing back something smart like ‘these words look familiar’ or in fact phoning and ignoring the email and having a chat. I’ve decided that to do anything is to get back involved with this ridiculous behaviour either by questioning it or validating it by ringing up and never mentioning it.

Once I used to keep these things private (in real life), I had a warped sense of loyalty and protecting her dignity, now I tell my friends, in part because I need to be told – this is strange behaviour.
My friends believe she has become psychotic ... so does Mr. S.

Infertility has taught me to walk away from toxic relationships ...

I’ve raved on longer than I thought on this, so I’ll save my post on ‘my best friend has a big mouth’ for next time.

15 weeks – not sure what the fruit is – just a measurement – 4 inches – that’s 11cm for those in the world who converted to metrics in the 70’s(!)

Not Hiding

2007-03-13T15:26:00.000+11:00

Gawd how awful, I feel like a cliché.

My recent absence from blogging doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I’ve had a successful cycle, but more to do with the fact that ‘The City just had a week at ‘The Beach, and on returning home, found that our internet had been cut off.

In the intervening weeks – we have progressed – strangely in my opinion – from a ‘jumbo shrimp’ – to a lemon. Maybe I just haven’t seen a jumbo shrimp, since we have what we call King Prawns around here, and that’s a strange turn in development in my view.

So we’ve arrived at a lemon. A very well hidden lemon in fact, since I look ... well ... kind of normal and not pregnant

In turns out that the women in my family only really start showing around 5 months. Goody I thought, maybe I won’t have to tell people till then ... people like ‘work’.

Last week I had my first meeting with our Obstetrician. I liked him, just my kind of doctor – older, experienced and very steady.

‘I’m currently seeing 5 other women pregnant through donor eggs’ he told me.

Great, now I like him even more.

He took my family history, weighed me, then got out the ‘doppler’ ... yikes.
Of course we didn’t hear anything straight away, that would be what happens to normal women.

‘It takes a little while to find it, because you’re still small’
Then amid the swishing watery sounds ... we heard the steady and regular ‘Chooo ... Chooo ... Chooo ‘
‘We have a baby!’
[Phew I thought, it’s been two weeks since my last ultrasound]

‘So this’ he said showing me a folded cardboard form ‘is what you carry around everywhere, this is your pregnancy log, you bring it with you everytime you come here, and take it if you ever go to the doctor’
‘Right’ [goodness it’s an official document]

So I checked in on a couple of other things – hospital (taken care of when I get to 20 weeks), did Mr. S need to come (yes, he’d like to meet him, but not to nag him to come to every appointment). Then I mentioned that I wasn’t a woman with a birth plan. I was abit scared.

‘I don’t have a misty-eyed dream of how I want this birth to be, my goal is to have a live and healthy baby’ (I’ve been wondering if this is bad, EVERYONE has a birth plan).
‘This is a precious baby, it’s taken you lots of work to get here, we’ll be taking everything steady-as-we-go and planning on having the most boring pregnancy possible.’

Ooooh goodness me, that's just what I want too.

As I left the nurse made my next three appointments, and handed me a plastic container 'you'll need to bring a urine sample everytime you come'.

I have a couple of other posts in my head - not just pregnancy updates. Things directly to do with being a donor egg pregnancy and how we're dealing with telling people. Or how we're not.

I also don't know how to do a ticker thing.

New Fruit and Test

2007-02-27T11:52:00.000+11:00

We have graduated to the size of a lime. Now for anyone that regularly buys limes, like I do, knows the variance in size.

But more accurately, yesterday we had our Nuchal Test at our 12 week scan.

When we arrived at the clinic at the appointed time, we were told we weren't on the list, and further they were cancelling everyone due to the sonographer being sick.

After a little negotiation, a clinic across town could fit us in, if we could go over straight away.

'Hmmm, you've already had two scans' the sonographer said 'why's that?'
'Um, because we first wanted to check we had a heartbeat, then we wanted to check it was still beating'.
'Okay, so not because of any complications?'
'No'
'Try not to jump, it upsets the picture' she said as she jammed the probe into my tummy 'goodness your bladder is full!'

So then we got to view ... we saw several gymnastic movements such as the 'roly poly' which made me want to laugh, but I couldn't, because of upsetting the picture.

'Head to rump 57mm, measuring at 12wks2days'
Then all limbs checked - including elbows, knees, fingers and toes.

'See that black hole - that's the bladder, that one there that's the stomach'
'Oh - is that the brain?'
'Yep, now lets measure the heartrate' [bit of a hiccup with the machine ...] then '162bpm'

She then measured the fluid - the nuchal measurement - we got 1.2, 1.4 and 1.3
'All looks good, but you need to wait for the blood test'

Finally I could go to the loo. From time to time, she'd say 'that's cute' and hit print, so we got a couple of pics too.

We then met the doctor who went over the whole thing. Our measurements were perfect, one of our blood tests was less than stellar - but overall our ratings were in the vicinity of 1:4000 and 1:6000 for both Downs and Trisonomy.

'Your chances of chromosomal adnormalities are the same as that of a 15yo, there's nothing I like better than giving good news first thing on a Monday morning'
'Cool, but do we get a double check before 20 weeks?'
'Yes, book in on your way out for another scan in 7 weeks'.

We had time to check in at my obstetricians rooms about whether we should have booked into hospital yet. We were told the doctor would do it and not till 20 weeks. Makes sense.

On our way out were were given a pregnancy companion book, which is great, because now we have ONE pregnancy book. Mr. S. started reading it last night ... but was informed that he was not to read past 12 weeks.

'I don't want you getting ahead of yourself or worse acting like you know everything'
'Okay, but this is good for me to read because it says here that's it's NORMAL for you to have been tired'
'No ... I've been exhausted' I already had to correct him.

Fruity Times

2007-02-20T16:06:00.000+11:00

Apparently at 11 weeks a 'foetus' has grown to the size of a fig – from a kumquat to a fig in the space of a week.

In preparation for my Nuchal scan next Monday, I had yet another blood test - this one to check my Pregnancy Associate Plasma Protein (PAPPs). Apparently this with the neck measurement will give me as accurate an indication as I can get that all is okay ... or not.

I’ll get my scan then see the doctor immediately, who should also have my blood results, since I’ve had them done a week early.

It’s a funny time, because on the one hand there meant to be all all kinds of growth and development going on, and on the other – how would you know?

Thankfully my full-blown paranoia and fear from the beginning is really standing me in good stead now.

That is, I’ve grown used to living in fear.

I will be scared leading into Monday’s appointment, but hopefully my uncomfortably full bladder will be a good distraction for that.

I keep being told not to worry – because of Star’s age – but you know how it is.

No end to IF

2007-02-13T16:45:00.000+11:00

I wonder if there is an IF end-date?

Everytime I go to the toilet I take a deep breath.

When I’ve got myself psyched up ... I first check the loo ... then my knickers. Sometimes I sit there for at least a minute before I'm ready to check.

I have made some progress - I now give myself my night-time loo runs off - I don't look. I’m back on patrol at daylight.

We’re now just over 10 weeks and I’m not taking anything for granted.

I’ve read so many blogs where those that have experienced IF go on to have ‘Survivor Guilt’. Unfortunately I haven’t reached that point yet.

In my head I’m living in the land of ‘I’ve had a positive result from a donor cycle’.

Somehow I haven’t transitioned from being IF to being ... Pregnant - I’m still IF ... but with a positive result.

Last week I wore linen pants to work, then I freaked out, of all the stupid things to wear, what if something goes wrong today? They've been taken out of the work wardrobe until further notice.

Apart from two IF friends, we haven’t yet told anyone. When I think about telling my mother I remember last time ... telling her that I was pregnant, but was having brown blood bleeding ... the doctor said it was probably nothing, I was booked in for a scan in two days. Two days later having to tell her I hadn’t reached my scan, but my blood tests had indicated I was miscarrying and in fact I’d already had my D&C = pregnancy was over. Ugh.

It's ruined any idea I might have of telling her 'my secret', somehow it doesn't seem like a nice thing to do to give her something to worry about ...

In my mind I’ve got the Nuchal test as a good point.

After a quick trip to the GP, and yet another round of blood tests (HIV, Heps, STD's) and a urine test(!) we're booked in for the 26th February.

Infertile Reminder

2007-02-09T15:20:00.000+11:00

Yet again I’ve been trampled in the stampede.

It turns out that before the urine has even dried on the pee-stick, a fertile woman will have booked in with her Obstetrician of choice in Sydney.

My first conversation or attempt to book in with someone and organise my nuchal test was a dismal failure.

First question: 'When are you due?' [shocked me - I thought the first question would be 'how far along are you'?]
‘Umm September ... [slightly embarassed] actually I’m only just over 9 weeks pregnant’
TUT ‘ONLY? We’re booked up, let me double check ... yes we’re booked up, most book in to come between 8 and 10 weeks’.

EXCUSE ME?

With the waiting time being 4 weeks for an appointment, it would appear that the most eager would make a booking the minute the second pink line has appeared, and the most conservative before they’ve confirmed they even have a heartbeat!

‘But I’ve been seeing my IVF doctor up till now ...’

Second Obstetrician had space – in four weeks – I have to go and sort myself out with my nuchal test and make sure they get the results.

Yet again – another reminder of the difference between THEM and US.

‘Yep that’s what women do in Sydney’ my friend confirmed.
‘But what if they miscarry, they’d then have to go around cancelling all these appointments, I’m only just out of the 1 in 6 level of risk?’
‘Well ... maybe ... if that happens ... they get someone else to cancel for them’

Right, something I didn’t think of.

I feel so stupid, I feel like ringing that first clinic back and telling them that I’m not some negligent idiot, that I’ve been through miscarriage and 6 failed IVF cycles, why would I presume that because I got a positive beta I would need an Obstetrician?

Why the hell doesn’t someone become the Infertile/IVF Specialist Obstetrician and only take women once they’ve had a confirmed heartbeat?

9 Week Scan

2007-02-06T10:23:00.000+11:00

Well it seems our embryo wasn’t too impressed with being referred to as a ‘sea creature’.

Just to ensure that description wasn't flung around again, our embryo was facing directly into the camera.

‘Is that little legs?’ I asked as we zoomed in.
‘Yes, those are the legs and these are the arms ...’ the doc was pointing to the limbs on the screen for me ... ‘look at that ... your little baby is moving’ he exclaimed.
‘Oh my goodness’

I stared gobsmacked at the screen.
Leg kicks, arms waving and [big] head nodding and winking.

‘I had no idea they started moving yet’ I said in amazement
‘Isn’t that a beautiful sight?’
‘Looks like a kewpie doll now’

Then the show was over.

‘It’s harder to get an accurate measurement from this side ... but 22.5 and strong steady heartbeat, measuring at exactly 9 weeks’.
‘You have definitely made it into the under 2% risk category now’.

Wow, that’s something.

So now it’s time to scale down the preggy support drugs. Pessaries to drop to one a day until they’re finished and progy*nova to stop in two weeks.

‘Have you booked in for your nuchal translucency, that needs to be done between 11 -13 weeks?’
‘Umm ... No, not exactly ... you see I still have all the infertility-superstition … if I had booked it in before I had this appointment ... I could have been tempting fate’.
‘Well, I’m telling you, it’s okay to book it now’.

All the details were later relayed to Star with a promise that the ultrasound pic would be scanned and sent.

27 Days +Ve

2007-01-29T12:31:00.000+11:00

We're now week 8 (of our 40ww).

One week to go before our next scan.

I continue to hope that everything will go well, that it won’t all be taken away. I'm still too scared to be happy. How sad.

For Mr. S – seeing was believing. He saw a little creature with a big beating heart so now tells me I have nothing to worry about.

‘You’re not still worried are you?’
‘Yes, but I’m trying not to, I know that if this is meant to be it will be.’
‘But, you must be worried less than before?’
‘Yeah I guess so’.

No I’m not, I'm just as worried as before, but the day after our scan Mr. S had to go to America, so these conversations are happening on the phone. He hasn’t gone for business, but family reasons, a close relative was seriously ill and has since passed away. He got there in time to say goodbye and will stay a few days after the funeral.

I certainly felt the pressure for the scan to be good!

The doc said it would be okay for me to travel, but recommended support hose, drinking lots of water, and being one of those annoying people that roam around and around the plane (to prevent blood clots!)

I decided that I didn’t want to put anymore pressure on myself, so stayed home.

I don’t mind, with the house empty, I don’t have to keep pretending I’m not worrying about anything ...

I would appear to be someone that experiences only mild ‘p’ symptoms, I’m extremely tired and hate how often I have to go to the loo, but have not had my head down the toilet bowl. I seem to experience nausea only when I smell something really strong or I’m hungry. My symptoms also come and go, so because that’s happened from the beginning, it’s not freaking me out the way it used to. It doesn’t surprise me that I’m like this – I never really had any reaction to all the hormonal drugs I took when cycling either.

Of course I know all these symptoms could be related to the hormonal support drugs I still take ...

Did I mention I’m still seeing the kinesiologist? I know I haven't, but the thing is, I’ve done abit of an about turn on that, I still don’t really understand it, but I’m finding it a great help. I’m hesitant to write it up (superstitious), but if all goes well with the scan next week I might ...

Scan

2007-01-22T16:56:00.000+11:00

We have ...

A healthy heartbeat - I saw it for myself!

A measurement = 8.5mm

We even have a due date: 9th September.

We also have our next scan booked: 4th February

I spent all day wondering how I would feel if everything went well and I saw a heartbeat, everytime I thought about it, I felt like crying. When it came to actually seeing it - I was happy ... and fascinated ... I was looking at a little sea creature with a huge beating heart!

All going well on our next scan, we will then have a less than 2% chance of failure. Right now, we're in the same category as anyone - and that includes anyone fertile!

'See now we don't have to worry anymore' Mr. S said.
'The doc. said my worries and fears were perfectly NORMAL, and there was nothing anyone could do about it'

So there.

The doc. also said that if I wanted a celebratory glass of champagne, that would also be perfectly acceptable!

Distraction

2007-01-18T12:11:00.000+11:00

Four sleeps to get through until scan.

In the meantime, I’ve had a face to face drive-by at work to help keep me distracted.

‘Oh Sparkle I’m pregnant with my second, I’m past 12 weeks now so I can tell everyone’
‘Congratulations, how lovely for you’
‘Well, we figured we should just do it, our first is going to be three by the time the baby is born.’

Hmmm, here’s the stuff that was running around my head:

Will I make 12 weeks?
How would I tell people?
If I hadn’t miscarried, my first would have been 3 too.

It’s kind of on a loop going round.

I have a suspicion there’s another one close by, another preggy at work, I’m too scared to have it confirmed just yet ... at least not until after Monday. God my senses are still so finely tuned to this, I always seem to want time to get my head straight, so I can act normal.

I don't know why I think I can keep myself at arms length from everything, it’s a fools game.

My chiropractor told me she had a couple of lovely maternity dresses she’d bring in for me ... dresses she hadn’t been able to wear herself.

‘Don’t give me anything yet!’ I said ... politely [but panicked] –
She gets it, she’s been trying to have her second baby for 4 years and has been through several miscarriages.
‘I know, not yet’. She said.

Not yet anything.

13 Days +Ve

2007-01-16T11:48:00.000+11:00

I spoke to the clinic yesterday and after working out my dates, I’m now having my scan on the 22nd January.

That’s good, except that in the last couple of days I’ve had my doubts about whether there will be anything to see.

Signs disappearing and coming back again are driving me crazy.

Since the appointment is on Monday, I don’t think I can stand the thought of another beta. If it’s low, they’re going to tell me to wait and see the scan anyway.

Today I feel sick. I’m convinced I feel sick because my body is getting ready to miscarry.

God what a misery.

The other day when I was deep in my miserable thoughts, I had typically withdrawn myself into my shell hoping for solitude. Mr. S. sensing it and reacting, as he always does, like the annoying child on the beach, poking at a crab with a stick trying to force it out ...

‘How are you feeling? Everything okay? Are you Happy?’
‘Listen, I go through times when I think this is all over, okay?’
‘Right, that explains the mood swings, you should really try and be positive’
‘Hey, this is NORMAL! I’m not going to be told that I can’t react the same way as any other Infertile Person’.
‘[Sigh] I thought when we got a positive result everything would be happy’.
‘No it’s not happy, we’ve got miles to go’

Once an Infertile, always an Infertile – there is no Departure Lounge.

Squatter - Updated

2007-01-10T12:30:00.000+11:00

Name one good thing about having a friend turn up in Sydney unannounced - who expects to be put up?

When they hug you – it’s confirmation that your boobs are still sore.

‘Owww!
‘What’s wrong’?
‘Oh ... nothing ... I’ve just got a headache’.

That’s the only thing ... because frankly I’m fucking pissed off. All I want to do is to have some couch and TV time for the next few weeks - and not have to think about anyone else.

I’m so annoyed, that I decided I didn’t want to have to discuss our latest news. It’s our news to tell when we want – not just because a friend has decided to invade our lives without checking first. Oh you know those childless couples - they'll put anyone up at the drop of a hat ... don't we just love entertaining?

‘Oh, are you having a lunch break today, I can come and meet you’?
‘Okay, I’ll text when I know what time’

Blood test at 9am this morning.

Hmmmm

Text – ‘Sorry, not going to be able to take a lunchbreak today’.

If timing is similar to last week, my results are going to come in bang in the middle of lunch. I want to discuss these with the nurse in private and pass on to Mr. S and Star without any intrusion.

UPDATE:
Nice Nurse just rang ...

'Can I chat, I've got good news?'
'Yep'

HCG = 6430
Progesterone = 60

Today is Day 23, not sure how to work out all the doubling stuff ...

'Wow!'
'Progesterone has dropped, but the doctor isn't worried about that, keep going with the Prog*nova and pessaries ...'
'Okay'
'The doctor said that you are to ring the clinic on Monday and book in for a scan on the 31st January'
'Okay, that's a way away ...'
'Yes, but it's better, some people go too early then have to wait another week'.
'Okay, but if I want another reassuring blood test before then?'
'No worries'

Star and I have already conferred - we're both reeling - we can't believe this could work out well after the way our cycle went.
'Three weeks isn't far away' she said
'Star - it may as well be 3 years - every day is torture'

Then we both giggled.

4 Days +Ve

2007-01-07T14:01:00.001+11:00

Last night I had my best nights sleep since we got our positive news.

The main problem I'm experiencing is that my mind is racing - all day and all night.

I'm trying not to live in fear of what could go wrong, I figure that if things do go pear-shaped, worrying now is not going to cushion me. I learnt that following my miscarriage 3 1/2 years ago.

I've told both Mr. S and Star that getting these results is close to two weeks earlier than 'normal fertile people', so we have to be mindful of that, and be cautiously happy as we get through the next few weeks.

I have a follow-up beta next Wednesday. I figured if I held out longer, hopefully we will see a nice rise.

My clinic says that with my levels they aren't worried about anything, but they know we all like the peace of mind.

I have to make an appointment for an ultrasound - 3 weeks from our blood test. My doctors office doesn't open till the 15th, so I'll get one then.

This morning the headache I'd had since last Wednesday, finally seems to have gone - apparently this is a common thing - due to increased blood flow.

Mr. S went to the chemist to get me some tablets -
'I checked with them what to get - I told them I needed something for my pregnant wife'
'HOW FUNNY! Did it seem strange saying that?'
'No, I liked being able to say it'

Good Sign Updated

2007-01-03T14:30:00.000+11:00

I stared at the phone so long I thought my laser eyes were gonna make it combust!

Finally the call:

HCG = 200
Progesterone = 80

'Happy' with both levels the nurse said. (Today is Day 16).

Stay on Prog*nova and Prog. pessaries

I've already spoken to my doctor - made him call me back while he's on holiday. He's happy for me to keep getting betas to make sure I'm doubling.

Star and I have already spoken for ages. She said she had all her leftover needles and unused medication and was ready to go again.

We're both still sad about our lost embies.

BUT we're ready for our next milestones.

Thank you everyone who comes to visit, I know following my story to this point has not been for the faint-hearted.

Good Sign

2007-01-03T09:46:00.000+11:00

Well that’s the blood test out of the way, now to drum fingers until I get the call.

Overnight I became convinced that the blood test is going to come back negative.

Scenarios going round and round in my head.

‘Well I’ve got my second opinion appointment coming up’ I thought, ‘gotta get all the information together, ask Star to put a written request in for all her info ...’

You get the drift.

Slept pretty well, you know when you’ve resigned yourself to something, it takes all the pressure off.

This morning Mr. S said he was going to drive me – since I’m going to work afterwards and he’s staying home!

The other day, when my friend was doing her PT, I decided to give her a few of my spares in case she wanted to do a double check. Yeah I had 4 unused packets in my cupboard – does that make me certifiable in this community?

Anyhow, I noticed one that was due to expire December 2006 that had come with an OPK.

‘If I’m sure it’s negative, why don’t I use that one, I mean it’s not like I’m going to double check a negative once it’s confirmed – and the test has expired’.

So, I went to the loo to make my 'comfort stop' before getting in the car.

TWO PINK LINES!

Shit, where’s the instruction sheet, NO WHERE TO BE SEEN!

‘Good sign, doesn't look like we need to paint one on!’ said Mr. S
‘Good sign’ said the nurse.
‘Good sign’ said Star

In that order.

Now at least three of us are holding our breath.

More later.

Last Day

2007-01-02T10:56:00.000+11:00

Tomorrow at 9am I have my blood test. With it being the first day back from the holidays for the clinic, who knows what time I'll hear back.

Am I still hopeful? Yes.

I'm over trying to protect myself - if it's negative I'll be disappointed - fearing that now is not going to help. If that's the way it goes, I'll want to feel bad, or will I want to feel nothing for a day or two?

We all know the deal here - if it's a strong embie - it will have implanted. This embie is the strongest we will have transferred - over 7 cycles.

I've had sore boobs pretty much for the last week - that could mean anything - including the fact that my body is just being responsive to the progesterone pessaries.

Last night I had more tummy rumbling - but today there is still no blood.

My 'brown blood' incident happened last Friday - another time where I thought 'well this is it'.

These pessaries could be SO powerful they are holding back my period. But the fact is, today I don't have it and that's all I know.

I think losing all the rest of the embies in the beginning - in a warped way - was great preparation for a 2WW. News doesn't come much worse than that - so now let's just see what happens.

Star is anxious too, she can't wait to hear.

Unfortunately I'm keeping everyone in suspense - no pissing on anything. I don't want to be trying to convince myself of anything - I want the scientific result.

That's the only thing I'm going to believe at this point. Good or Bad.

New Year

2007-01-01T14:52:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year! I like those numbers – a double 0 7.

Two days to go to blood test.

In the last 6 days I have had the following symptoms together and at different times: Sore boobs, keen sense of smell, brown discharge, bloating, tiredness and last night the mother of all – my all-too-familiar pre-period tummy rumble.

That happened sometime after midnight. After a somewhat sober (well a splash of champagne with orange juice) night. We had spent the night with friends and had the ‘perfect view’ of the harbour and fireworks.

Don’t like this feeling, I thought, then took myself to bed.

Alarm went off at 5.30 (we forgot to turn it off), so I did a loo run. Tentative CSI wipe = nothing.

Back to Bed.

But not to Sleep.

Worse rumbling, was it cramping? Who knows, but it was what I get when I get my period.

Shit.

‘Deal with it’ I told myself ‘stop kidding yourself it’s anything else but your body telling you that your period is on the way’.

Somehow after that telling off, I got to sleep. I’ll deal with the blood bath in the morning.

This morning I thought, I’m not doing the wipe, if there’s blood, it can just show itself.

Nothing. So in went another pessary.

Cramping has subsided, but while everyone else has alcohol hangovers, mine is purely ‘pessary’.

Not going near a piss-stick either. As my friend told me, who did one yesterday (she was a week late and wanted to know if she could drink last night) – ‘one fucking line, I’m going to paint the other one on’!

Christmas Past

2006-12-26T09:32:00.000+11:00

Christmas Day passed without incident.

Certainly, unlike last year, we do not know whether our recent cycle will end in another negative.

There is hope, but I think I read somewhere our chance is in the vicinity of 17% (due to the loss of all other embryos) - a significant drop from the original 56% we believed we had in cycling with Star as our donor.

This is the fifth Christmas in a row we have been dealing with one or other of the yucky aspects of Infertility.

First Year – We’d started trying and after a couple of months I was already living in fear of being the 1 in 10 couple. I’d seen my gynae, had the basic blood tests and ultra sounds and being told to go away, try for the next three months and come back if we didn’t get pregnant. Mr. S promptly got Chicken Pox!

Second Year - getting over my miscarriage. Spending Christmas Day with my sister, who, even though she knew I’d recently miscarried, insisted on throwing her ultrasound pics around and complaining about how hard life was for her.

Third Year – Starting our third cycle straight after our second failure. Two perfect cycles in a row resulting in Grade 1. blastocysts both times, ending in perfect failure.

Last Year – Finding out ‘on the day’ our fifth cycle had failed. Vowing that was ‘IT’, no more cycles, we were going overseas to get eggs and we were going to look into adoption.

This Year – We made the jump, we went out and found a local donor. Got ourselves and Star through the counselling and testing, decided on our specialist and took our leap of faith.

Until we know the results of our transfer, we won’t know what our next step will be.

Mr. S has become a little more determined than I’ve seen him before. He has no issues with getting a second opinion, he welcomes it. He’s prepared to do more testing, but neither of us can see what that could possibly be. In his view, if we go again we change everything – new donor, new clinic, new doctor. I’ve told him I’m not agreeing to any absolute proclamations at this point.

The cycle still shocks me.

While I’m happy to have an RE with a great emotional understanding of the situation, I’m not happy with the post mortem.

While I know that you can’t compare eggs with eggs, I think there are a few comparisons that are relevant.

- My eggs always fertilised and developed normally.
- Our embryos always made it past Day 3. in Grade 1. condition
- Some of my embryos made it to blast.

This, with the specific tests we’ve had done on Mr. S, rules out a lot of the doubt around this being a sperm issue.

With Star, her eggs fertilised beautifully, but things started going wrong from Day 1 development.

I’m not prepared to cast doubt on Star without further investigation either, she had all the relevant hormone tests and karotyping done prior to starting. Her eggs were mature and looked good.

I have read that sometimes there is an issue with the media used, this can cause the embryos not to develop. The scientist also said to me, with some patients it’s the drug protocol.

Meanwhile, how is my 2WW going?

Nothing to report.

A trivial fact = my blood test is booked in for January 3rd.

My Review

2006-12-22T15:50:00.000+11:00

Well today the hayfever is much improved.

The doctor didn’t get to call me back until after 6pm because he was run off his feet consulting all day.

In his view our results with Star were largely attributed to the ‘unpredictable nature of IVF’. He said nothing in Star’s response to the hormones indicated she had poor egg quality – she rose slowly and steadily. Her eggs when retrieved were mature and physically looked to be good. They were not unusually shaped or discoloured in any way to indicate poor quality. Since she also has a child, that is also another good indication.

He said that it was possible it could be a sperm issue.

‘But we had everything tested when we did the Miscarriage Management Program’
‘There is another test that can be done to check DNA fragmentation’
‘We’ve done it, I’ve got the results here’

SCSA – DNA fragmentation Index: 18% = Good Fertility Potential
[> 30% is problematic and can cause fertility issues]
High Green (HDS): 4% = Normal Result

‘Oh yes, I have got it. Well that’s good, then you can be happy that it’s not a problem. But when was the test done?’
‘A year and a half ago (wtf?). We also had another test done by the Top Notch Urologist that cost us $300 [we couldn’t claim], I don’t have a copy, but I’ll get one and fax it through’.

This was an AZF a,b,c,d – we never received a copy of the results, but he told us they were fine and indicated – AGAIN – good fertility potential. In fact after receiving the results of these, if any of my old readers can remember, the TNU called Mr. S father and started discussing our fertility issues with him – who then discussed them with us at the dinner table at Christmas last year! (Mr. S had got him to write a referral)

These tests are in the second and third line of diagnosing Male Fertility Issues. Our First Line testing indicates sperm morphology issues – that being the reason I have not been able to fall pregnant spontaneously (well just the once). I’m not sure if there is anything further we can get tested?

The point to doing all these and the immunology tests, was so that we could be certain BEFORE we moved down the donor path that there were no other underlying fertility issues – male or female – that hadn’t been uncovered. That the only thing stopping us getting pregnant were my old eggs!

‘Dr., I’m worried because I’ve done 6 cycles and never got anything frozen. This was all attributed to my eggs. It seems extraordinary to me that we would have the same result with a donor so young, I mean my embryos were always good on Day 3.’
‘Sparkle, let me tell you a story, I’ve been working in this fertility field for 30 years and I’m still in here batting for you. You will get pregnant. I know that you’ve had a rough trot with all you’ve been through, and you’ve been very strong. With all my experience I do know that this time of the year is particularly hard, but I don’t want you to get all doom and gloom about the embryo transferred – you have a good chance of this working.’
‘Sniff, but if, by some chance, this embryo doesn’t work, and Star agrees to cycle again, would we do anything differently?’
‘If we get to that point, I’ll sit down and evaluate everything and work it out, so far we’ve only done one cycle with Star, it’s very hard to draw too many conclusions from that’.

Following that conversation I called Star and let her know how it had gone.

‘So we really don’t know anymore, and have to wait and see if this one works’?
‘Yeah’
See I told you she was smart.

Mr. S and I talked everything through last night. What would we do next? What if Star offered to cycle again (Mr. S thinks she would), would it be wise to do that, should we look for another donor, should we go overseas, should we move to pursuing adoption?

‘I think we’re going to go through a myriad of thoughts and ideas before we find out whether we have a negative or positive result, let’s just talk, but not make any decisions and wait till we know’
‘I agree, but the thing is Sparkle, I want to stay on this donor path’.
‘Yes, so do I. I know that I want to get pregnant and have a baby’.

So in the spirit of not planning or doing anything, this morning I:

* Contacted the SDD and requested in writing a copy of the Embryo Report (told them it was for the TNU), that was faxed thru to me this arvo.
* Researched, found and then rang and made an appointment in early January with another Fertility Specialist – A Male Infertility IVF Specialist. I had a long conversation with the secretary who told me everything she wants us to bring to our appointment.
* Rang to get our AZF results, but found TNU and his team had already packed up for Christmas, so left a reminder to myself to re-contact them for a copy on January 16th when they return.
* Spoke to Mr. S about going back to TNU and asking him if there are any other weird tests with remote chromosomal abnormalities we could do. Mr. S thinks the TNU is very thorough and would have done them. But we’ll see about that.

I’m not panicking or ruling out a positive (I do think it’s a low chance). But I am a practical girl. I would rather cancel appointments if we get a positive result, rather than have to wait 6 weeks for an appointment if we find out it’s negative.

I am going to consider everything, whether that be cycling with another specialist or donor.

I do know that if it comes to going again with Star, I will not be happy doing everything exactly the same and potentially getting the same results.

This may be ‘only one donor cycle’, but we are already a hundred miles down the road from anyone conceiving a baby naturally.

Am I making any sense?

Horror

2006-12-21T13:57:00.000+11:00

It’s not an uncommon story with Infertility.

Imagine the best possible circumstance translating into the worst possible outcome.

When Mr. S and I were first embarking on IVF we were told that we had an extremely good prognosis. That we’d gotten pregnant naturally seemed to be a very good indication of us doing so again with the scientific help – and having it stick.

6 cycles later = nil, not even one snowbaby.

Before I was ready to accept that we would need a donor I made sure we had every possible test done – both of us.

We did the Miscarriage Management Program and had every single dna/chromosomal/ immunology test possible. Then Mr. S went and saw the ‘top’ Urologist in Sydney, and had a couple of further tests.

All tests said we were both fine and dandy – I have slightly elevated ACA’s, and Mr. S has excellent ‘fertility potential’.

When Star offered to be a donor, we were overjoyed. We went through all the initial getting to know you, met in person, then she and her Mr. S had their blood tests, counselling etc.

Everything looked great.

Getting 100% fertility on Monday was a dream. We’d had 100% before with our own cycles, so we were feeling great.

I had my doubts yesterday at transfer. How come we weren’t being told that our embryos were fantastic? 50% chance of making it to freeze? Why did SDD ask me if Star had her own children?

Today the scientist called me as I was running to catch the train.

‘I just wanted to let you know that none of your remaining embryos are good for freezing’.
‘I’m shocked, tell me about the embryos’.

In turns out that 1 of our 4-cell embryos just stopped, 2 reached 6-cell but fragmented to almost 50%, the remaining 2 started compacting in a bizarre fashion that indicated that some of the cells had started dividing super fast and some had remained stationery.

In all my 6 cycles I’ve never had a report like it – with my f****** old eggs. Day 3. every cycle we had normal 8-cell embryos, even when we only had one egg. From there, when we had lots, they would all progress to Day 5, and usually we had a blastocyst or two. In our last couple of cycles where we only ended up with one embryo – we transferred a Grade 1 Day 3 embryo both times. Clearly they never had the energy to go further, but up to this point, they were all developing normally.

‘The one you had transferred yesterday was perfect, it was nothing like the others, there is a chance it will work, drink lots of water’.
‘I’m sorry, but is this an unusual situation with a donor so young’?
‘It does happen, just because a donor is young, sometimes her eggs might not be good quality’.
‘So if she were to cycle again, would you expect the same outcome’?
‘Not necessarily, sometimes it’s the drug protocol that causes this, sometimes changing that can make a difference. Some will cycle the same again’.

Star is shocked. She’s now worried about her egg quality and the embryo we’ve transferred fragmenting to the same degree as the others. I have not given her the ‘full’ report, just the bare bones – fragmentation. But she’s a smart girl.

I share both sentiments.

She is more than 15 years younger than me, and my embryo reports were incomparable.

I’ve assured her that having her child is an indication she has good quality eggs.

I spoke to Glamour Nurse, she is very upset for us. She is going to get SDD to call both of us. She just rang me back to say, he’s rushed off his feet and will have to call at the end of his consulting today so he can talk to us properly. Let’s see what he has to say. She mentioned that they may run some extra tests on Star for her.

Remember when I believed that this was too good to be true? How revolting. I refuse to wallow in self-pity, because the truth is I met Star through this experience. Hopefully this is a friendship that will continue.

Right now, I feel sick to my stomach but also strangely calm. I’m starving, but anything I put in my mouth tastes and feels like glue.

Of course I’ve had to tell everyone at work that I have hay fever.

What will we do next? I have no idea.

At this point, I think only a fool would believe there is any HOPE at all of us becoming pregnant with the embie transferred yesterday. I’m sitting here, and don’t even believe it’s possible that it has made 8-cells. Maybe not a fool, but someone who wants to believe in miracles.

Certainly not Star or I.

I almost wish my period would arrive tomorrow, as it is, I’m going to have to keep taking the medication and not drink until it does in a couple of weeks.

Embryo Onboard

2006-12-20T12:33:00.000+11:00

Scared.

We transferred 1 great 4-cell embryo, and everything went smoothly.

Our doctor will only allow us to transfer one, due to Star’s age.

Right now we still have 3 x 4-cell embryos and 2 x 3-cell embryos that are being watched until tomorrow to see if they will be frozen.

The scientist wouldn’t guarantee me anything – she said 50% chance.

I’m scared because this is where we always ended up on our own cycles. I’d be getting a ‘great embryo’ transferred then being told to wait till tomorrow to see if any of the rest were good enough to be frozen.

‘But we’re really hoping we’d get some frozen’ I said to both the doctor and the scientist.
‘Well it’s up to the embryos’
‘But, I can’t help compare myself when I was cycling, and my much older embryos and hope that we have a better chance with these’.
‘We’ll let you know tomorrow’.

When I called Glamour Nurse to let her know, because she needs to send me an extra script for the Prog*nova, I told her all my fears.

‘Well when will they decide?’ she said.
‘They want to watch and make sure the embryos don’t fragment too much before they’ll decide. I'm scared that if we don't get any frozen, I’ll wish I'd had two transferred, I’m also scared that if none get frozen, it’ll feel like it did with my own eggs’.

I’m scared that if none are frozen, it’ll mean the one I’ve had transferred will also not have good embryo energy (like my old ones).

Meanwhile Star and Mr. S both say they have a ‘good feeling’.

So, from yesterday, a day of almost dizzying glorious excitement to today, where I'm dreading getting bad news tomorrow, my journey continues.

Bloody hell I'm just in that mood to have a whinge - Boxing Day BBQ invite just received - that's the day after Christmas those of you in the US ;-), wtf is putting 'family friendly' on the message about?! The next invite I send out I might add 'Single, Gay & Infertile Friendly'.

Pick Up

2006-12-19T09:34:00.000+11:00

8 eggs.

5 mature, 2 hoping to catch up and 1 immature.

We’re delighted.

Now we’re waiting on the fertilisation report. We’ll be doing a transfer on Wednesday.

Star was amazing.

I was initially upset, because Star and I had thought that I'd be able to go into the theatre with her, but she was having a general anaesthetic (and had apparently signed a consent form), so Mr. S. and I were told to come back in a couple of hours.

When we were called in to see her post-collection she looked great. She'd had a little nausea but had been given something that fixed it straight away. She said she didn't know what they gave her in her anaesthesia, but woke up feeling so happy and thinking about her baby and partner.

Also, apparently when she met the anaesthetist he'd said 'hmmm you're young for IVF', and so she'd been able to say 'I'm a donor!' Everyone was apparently lovely to her, so I'm relieved about that.

We spent the rest of the day together. She had a snooze at our place then we got some lunch. After that she seemed to have her energy back and we went Christmas shopping. Last night we went out and had a Thai dinner. Mr. S. dropped her at the airport this morning.

Goodness, just as I was about to press 'publish' the scientist rang with our results:

Report: 1 caught up (wow) - 6 for fertilisation - all 6 fertilised!!

Transfer tomorrow at 7.30am.

Oh my goodness, the highs and lows of this journey - I'm so excited. I caught Star at the airport as she was boarding - she's ecstatic too.

Friday Scans - UPDATED

2006-12-15T11:38:00.000+11:00

A morning of scans and results ...

Meanwhile in another state, Star found out she has around 11 follies measuring 18-19 – doctor doing the scan estimated a Monday pick up. We get official word later today, once we have bloods in ...

My scans show a lining of 8.1 with the triple lines(?) That’s good apparently, and the nurse informed me that she expects it to thicken even more in the next few days.

I picked up my pessaries, and instruction sheet. Little silver bullets.

I feel ecstatic at Star’s results, but at the same time, waiting desperately on her blood results ...

Because ... yesterday I found out that even though she had been sent two extra bottles of syn0rel, she had not been told to start using a new one. (She’d been told to wait until Nice Nurse told her to). Star has been very diligent and written everything down as she’s told – she has the ‘cyclers memory’ happening right now! ‘It’s like having the preggy brain’ she told me.

By my calculations she is waaaaay over the 60 squirts ... by days ...

‘Start the new one tonight, and remember to prime it first’ I told her.
‘Okay’

LATER

‘Yeah definitely tastes different, the metallic taste is back’

SHIT

Nice Nurse informed me that there was nothing to worry about

‘As long as she’s been taking it at the same time every day, her blood tests show she is very low, she’s suppressed’

But those blood tests were done on Monday!

‘Well I’m glad Nice Nurse says there’s nothing to worry about’ Glamour Nurse said when I told her.
‘Yeah, well I just want all this known – I’m worried that we may get the bloods back this afternoon, and then get cancelled at this late stage because she’s not suppressed anymore and has started ovulating!’

I’m holding my own hand.

UPDATED FRIDAY AFTERNOON:
Star is still suppressed, everything looks great (good sized follies, E2 over 3,500)EPU confirmed for Monday 7.30am!
Her last injection tonight, trigger on Saturday night, last spray Sunday
I have to increase to 3 x Prog*nova (from 2), my last spray Sunday night, start pessaries on Monday morning.

All to present ourselves at the Hospital Monday morning

Exhaling now ...

Proceeding at a Steady Pace

2006-12-12T20:03:00.000+11:00

The results of Monday's blood test were not available until late this afternoon.

Star's hormone's are starting to rise nicely (steadily) - somewhere in the 800's. Next blood test and ultra sound on Friday.

It turns out that Star was continuing to take the bcp (she was sure someone had told her to), consequently prior to starting stims Nice Nurse told her to stop and so she promptly got her period. That explains the slow rise.

Potentially we are looking at a pick up either next Monday or Wednesday. At worst next Friday - with a transfer on Christmas Eve (blimey!)

My lining & hormones are to be checked this Friday, plus I am to take deliverance of the famous pessaries.

Following a weekend weekend that included, catch-up drinks on Friday, BBQ on Saturday and work-party on Sunday - I started the week a head cold. The Alternative Goddess took full credit for it - advising me it was leftover bacteria. I should start feeling better now (yay). She also advised that my hormones were in great shape (considering the suppression, and oestrogen top-up).

Happy with how everything is going right now.

Don't Panic

2006-12-09T08:55:00.000+11:00

First blood test in = don't get excited.

Star's oestrogen hasn't had a dramatic rise yet (E2 - 157), so we will be getting another blood test on Monday and see if things have taken off over the weekend.

Nice Nurse and Glamour Nurse said 'nothing to worry about yet'.

Star has been suppressed for a long time and had a late period, so it may take a couple of extra days to get her ovaries to wake up. Her dosage has not being increased.

Since Star is injecting at night, yesterday's blood test was actually a Day 4, not 5.

So, clearly we won't be doing an EPU after 8 days.

I know that if there isn't a dramatic increase soon, we could be cancelled.

WAKE UP OVARIES!

Blah Humbug!

2006-12-07T11:12:00.000+11:00

You know it’s pretty much par-for-the-course for anyone going through infertility to get a touch of the ‘bar humbug’ at this time of the year. I know it’s coming, so now I expect it.

Work is frantic, then there’s Christmas shopping, menu planning ... and ahhh ... yeah the fact that another Christmas looms without a baby.

A colleague and I were having a whinge about how much there was to do, and on top of it, there’s a heap of Christmas parties etc. to plan for work.

‘Yeah, I’ve had to get a bunch of quotes for a party I’m working on, need everything in today, so the budget can be approved’.

Well the budget was approved. Guess what? She had been tasked with planning a Christmas party for all the kids ... the kids of all Company employees!

‘How much?’
‘$15K’
‘Great, I hope we get another $15K so those of us without kids can have a party’ [joking]
‘I’m looking for volunteers’
‘Count me out, I’ll be taking advantage of it and taking an early mark that day’

Bah F****** Humbug.

‘That’s discriminatory’ Mr. S said.
‘Yeah, but I have to watch my mouth, you know - otherwise I’ll give away the REAL reason why it p***** me off so much’
‘Yeah’

Imagine that ‘Infertile-hell’ – all the kids of everyone you work with (I work for a large company) running around having the time of their lives AT WORK. I’ve spent the last 4 years having to listen through all the boring ‘Mummy/Daddy chit-chat’ at work – imagine watching the whole lot of them en masse – Fertility Wonderland!

I hope they have a great time. I’m being honest, in fact I remember growing up and having a ball at my father’s work Christmas Party – but then again, my father paid into social club towards that event.

This week I paid another visit to the Alternative Goddess … you know since I’d made an appointment last time. Unfortunately I was running late, so they had to shuffle things around abit, and I had to sit in the waiting room for a little while. This time I scanned over the framed certificates – Science Degree, Osteopathy Diploma, Chiropractic Diploma as well as the Kinesiology Diploma. Ah well, if nothing else, she’s certainly spent some time studying.

‘Did you expect me to have any physical responses to our last session?’ I asked
‘Yes, what happened’
‘I had a headache for two days’
‘No I didn’t expect that, anything else?’
‘Aching’
‘Yes, that’s what I expected, you shouldn’t feel that after this time’

So we got on with another session. Much the same as last time. More jabbing, prodding and questioning. This time my reading was better. But she picked up that my Lutenising Hormone was out.
‘Well my body is suppressed, and now I’ve just started taking tablets to build up my oestrogen levels’

Why am I bothering? My friend who recommended her, went through a donor cycle herself and has now delivered her baby [boy]. She has also sent two friends to her – one who experienced IF for 12 years and is now pregnant, and so is the other (can’t remember the details).

I ask myself – is this doing any harm? No. Well, why not then.

Today I have a sore throat.

In answer to Mony’s question. No she isn’t doing acupuncture on me. But she does have an acupuncturist come to the clinic.

On Monday night Star started her injections. I phoned in and talked her through the first one – which, after three jabs, went without a hitch.

We won’t know till Friday, when Star has her first blood test, how she is responding. Then we will have an idea about when EPU might be.

Nice Nurse told me that it was possible, given Star’s age, that she may only need to be stimming for 8 days.

‘I’m scared that if that happens, that there’ll be a whole bunch of immature eggs!’ I mentioned to Glamour Nurse. ‘Or am I worrying too much’?
‘SDD will make the decision based on the scan and blood test, don’t worry’.
‘Okay, we’ll talk on Friday then’.

Now the injections have started, it has taken a lot of the worry out of the equation. This is what we have been working towards, and now it’s happening. I just don’t want it to happen too fast.

Speeding Up

2006-12-04T10:58:00.000+11:00

The two-day headache following the appointment with the Alternative Goddess ended on Saturday. But by then I was aching all over. That has mostly stopped now too. The urgent need to rush to the loo only lasted the one day following the appointment.

‘Wow, she sounds amazing, I want to see her, give me her number’ one of my colleagues said after I was complaining about my headache. People floor me.

So it turns out my muscles remembered plenty and decided to give me a reminder!

I’m not sure that if I go back and see her, if I’ll be up for more of this misery?

I don’t know what I think of it all – or if it’s merely coincidence and in fact I had somehow picked up a low-level flu?

It’s so weird, but then so is life.

In other news, Star has been given the go-ahead. She starts injecting tonight.

‘Are you okay with everything, do you know what to do?’ I ask anxiously.
‘Yeah, I think I’m fine – I dial up 150 don’t I?’
‘Yes, call me if you need me to talk you through it’.
‘Okay, Mr. Star says he doesn’t want to be in the room when I do it, lol’.

So we’ll be getting to the exciting part of the cycle, and also the part where all the logistics have to come together.

Our SDD wants Star to be here from Day 8 of stims, but Star would like to see if we can bring that in to closer to the time of retrieval. It looks like Mr. Star will be coming with her, which is awesome. I’m going to have to ring the clinic and see how far we can push it. She has a radiology place to go to for her scans, so as long as they do what they’re supposed to and get SDD the scans on email quickly – surely we can do that?

Star’s first blood test will be on Friday, so that’s when we’ll get an indication on how she’s fast her levels are rising.

I’m thinking it’s time for Mr. S to step up to the plate and start getting involved too. On the one hand, I feel like I need to be the one running the show, it’s a control thing I have, on the other I want some help in case I stuff things up.

Oh yeah, and my part – I started taking Progy*nova today – one in the morning and one at night while I still keep sniffing.

I have a feeling the next 10 days are going to fly by at warp-speed.

Operator?

2006-11-30T12:40:00.000+11:00

It appears we have been encountering some technical difficulties, that have only just come to light in this cycle. Of course we have.

Star has had to keep her phone turned off at work, because she is in training all week.

Since Monday, Nice Nurse has been trying to ring her, but her calls have been ringing out and not even going to message bank. She also rings on a private line, so when Star switches her phone on, she can’t see who’s called. It turns out she does need to have the CF test again, and we both need to have our suppression checks.

‘We need to be able to communicate with Star and leave messages, things are going to be happening fast from now on.’ Glamour Nurse told me.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked
‘Yes, I’m just worried about Star’s phone’.

So sent Star a text and emailed her. I also gave Nice Nurse Star’s new home number.

‘I didn’t know that was happening, I can’t understand why, I’ll contact my provider in the morning’

Phew, hopefully we can get over this minor hiccup.

Meantime, Nice Nurse told me there was no need to panic, I could have my blood test this morning, and Star can have hers tomorrow.

‘It’s good that she’s not deliberately ignoring calls, alarm bells would be going off if that was the case’.

Shiver

Meanwhile last night I went for my kinesiology session. Or was it energy healing? Maybe they’re the same thing?

I don’t know what I expected.

By pushing on my left arm as I had it raised, the Alternative Goddess pressed and jabbed other parts of my body …

‘Your right ovary isn’t fully functional, did you know that? ... and your hyothalamus gland doesn’t seem to be functioning ... Can’t figure it out, your hormones are okay ...
‘Ummm, could that be the suppression drugs I’m on?
‘Right that could be it ... have you had many problems with your ears? ... your body is missing something ... is it a supplement ... no it’s a food group ... a carbohydrate? ... no a protein ... what’s your diet like’?
‘Good, we eat lots of vegetables, salads, we eat meat a couple of times a week, I like cheese’.
‘Looks like you’ve got a virus, and you’ve had it for years ...’
‘Now sit up and keep blinking ...’

I had to do that a couple of times, while she swooshed her hands up and down my back.

‘Okay, you’re done, and I’ll need to see you early next week.’
‘Umm, my friend that recommended I came, did so because I was feeling stressed about the donor cycle coming up’.
‘Well your body told me you were okay ... unless you were hiding it ... let’s just check again ... Raise your left arm ... [jab here, there and everywhere] Yeah, you’re fine ... now I’ve started correcting your energy levels, you should be fine.’

I don’t quite understand what it was all about. I did sleep well last night.

My friend going through her [successful] donor cycle used to see her. Hearing I was going through a donor cycle didn’t phase her.

Maybe this is just another one of those weird things for me to experience on this journey?

Meanwhile this morning I trotted off to have my blood test (and where I will have my ultrasounds) ... It’s over the road from the building I work in! Yes literally. The entrance to the clinic faces the driveway that everyone from work uses to get into the building parking. Incredibly handy, but ... what I wonder is – how come I never even noticed this place before? What if someone sees me? What if I see someone from work in there? At this point, I don’t care.

Cycle or Circus

2006-11-29T12:26:00.000+11:00

Well life in the fairground-that-appears-to-be-our-cycle continues.

A quick ride on the rollercoaster this morning – I arrived at work early, and promptly turned heel, grabbed my bag and spent the next hour and a quarter in a cab doing a circuit home and back to work again. By 10am I'd waved hello 3 times to the Opera House as I'd whizzed by on the harbour bridge.

I left home and forgot to take my Syn0rel. On the run, I quickly texted my workmate ... Ummm ‘if anyone's looking for me, I've had to urgently go home, [t-h-i-n-k Sparkle] ... Mr. S left the his keys hanging out of the car boot’.

I honestly wonder if there will come a day when I run out of excuses - nah, not yet still plenty in cold storage.

‘I’m going to put big notices up around the apartment 'Remember to take the Sniffing Drug’, (as it's fondly known in our house) Mr. S said.

In desperation, I’d texted him from the train to see if he was still at home and could take it to work, so I could do a courier pick up.

Star and I appear to be going round and round on the Syn0rel ferris wheel and can’t get off.

Calls to Glamour Nurse yesterday, left us with another ‘just hold on’ message.

Nice Nurse had her day off, so our schedule is still the 'great unknown'. Her being the donor coordinator means there is NO ONE else to help.

‘But Star says she hasn’t heard from her’ I told Glamour Nurse, ‘should she be having more blood drawn for the CF test, I don’t mean to be a pest, but have we just lost 2 working days with this’?
‘Well she told me that the lab would call if they require further blood, and we haven’t heard from them’
‘Does that mean the blood that went missing on the way to Sydney was found’?
‘Sounds like it’

Okay, so I’ll walk away from that one, the cycle is going ahead regardless.

‘Well then, do Star and I need to have blood tests to see if we’re suppressed’?
‘Yes you will, but don’t worry, they’ve got all the pre-Christmas cycles lined up, you will get the call when it needs to be done, you will have your transfer before Christmas’.

But actually it feels like we're lost in a maze.

Star and I keep turning corners, but aren’t close to finding our way out.

‘Can you wait till tomorrow when Nice Nurse is back, and we’ll get the schedule from her?’
‘Yes’

In the meantime, which way to the dodgems?

Morning Glory

2006-11-27T14:36:00.000+11:00

‘Imagine everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. That’s the reality of a donor cycle’.

Those words were certainly ringing in my ears this morning.

Star’s CF blood never arrived at the lab in Sydney - the test has not been performed, we still do not have a result ... we found this out this morning.

Nice Nurse was apparently seeing red, Glamour Nurse told me.

‘Angry at the labs I hope?’
‘Well yes’
‘But, wasn’t she meant to be chasing these tests more than a week ago?’
‘Yes, I left 3 messages with her'.
‘Hmmm so some of the negligence lies with her’.
‘That would appear to be the case’.

Actually I’m used to everything going wrong, so in fact, it doesn't phase me, I don't even break into a sweat. Nothing I can do. One of those situations, you can ask a million questions, scream at everyone and never get an answer – deal with it.

Half an hour later, SDD called and gave me the low-down:

‘Mr. S. is negative, so if Star is a carrier the risk is 1:4 of a potential child being a carrier, this is a risk that can be determined pre-natal (think he said). If a child is a carrier, then the main concern will be if he/she meets another carrier when they are an adult.’
‘Right, with you so far’.
‘We can go ahead with the cycle now (this side of Christmas), and if we haven’t got the results in by transfer, freeze everything until we get a result, OR if you are prepared to take the risk do a fresh transfer, OR finally we wait on the blood results and cycle in January.
‘Hmm, do you want an answer today?’
‘Yes, we’d be grateful if you can call back this afternoon’.

A quick call to Mr. S. and we decide we’re happy to either go ahead or wait till January, we want to talk to Star and see what she wants to do.

Star, meanwhile, started a brand new job today. Thankfully after some texting, I was able to talk to her in her lunchbreak.

‘I’m happy to go ahead now’.
‘Okay, because we are too, but if you wanted to wait till January so are we’.
‘Nah, I reckon we should go ahead’.

One of the reasons we may appear to be less panicked is that the chances are extremely low that Star is a carrier (we know her child isn’t) and she does not have any greek heritage (for some reason this increases the chances).

Also, we will be cycling with Star regardless. In the remote chance that her results do come back positive, because Mr. S. is negative, the cycle will go ahead.

Decision made.

Nearly Somewhere

2006-11-25T15:23:00.000+11:00

Yesterday both Star and I received forms for blood tests in the mail.

Mine were all tests I'd had done a million times.

To add more confusion to the mix, Nice Nurse from the clinic was off sick.

'Ring tomorrow, after she's done the morning blood tests, if you're still not sure what's going on, I'll take the files into the doctor, and we'll go over everything'. Glamour Nurse advised.

This morning Nice Nurse explained everything. Star has been sent all the blood forms she'll need once the cycle gets going. I definitely need one more (HTV), and that can be done on Monday.

What about the other urgent blood tests?

'Karotype is in and that's fine, chasing CF this morning' (LATER: CF is on the Path Lab list, but without a result next to it, this will have to be chased again on Monday).

'So, the only thing I'm still not sure about is our actual schedule?'
'Don't worry, once we get the CF results, we're on our way, the good thing is you're on Syn0rel, it gives us lots of flexibility'.
'What about the Christmas Closures, do you think we'll make it?'
'Don't think that'll be a problem'.

So, while it looks like I'm just sitting around posting the odd 'my thoughts' post, and sniffing, we are still on track.

(BTW, at some Christmas drinks the other night, had to go and have my sniff - loved walking out of the lou afterwards)

I think once we get going, we'll be hitting the ground running.

The clinic will be closed, (that is ... no more procedures after) the 17th and 18th December. By my calculations we will have to start stims by about the 2nd December.

No Angel Wings

2006-11-23T16:49:00.000+11:00

I wonder sometimes if even having a baby will cure my bitterness.

I think I’ve got a handle on self-pity, and I’ve really learnt how to be happy in everyday life, what I haven’t conquered is feeling bitter when I hear how wonderfully well other peoples lives are going. Even as I write this the top left side of my lip raises itself in an agreed bitter sneer – 'yeah damn right, stuff everyone I know and their great lives'!

So far I’ve put this down to the ahhh ... baby stuff.

My family dreams shattered while everyone else’s have come to fruition.

I think I’m rapidly reaching a point where I don’t want to hear ANYONE ELSE’S GOOD NEWS. BTW I’m referring to real life people here. I think it’s a peer group thing. But then do I still have a peer group? Does IF strip you of that, when practically everyone you know has a family? (In our case, if they don’t most likely it’s because they’re single).

Would getting pregnant be the cure-all or would it be the start of a whole new level of bitterness?

Getting pregnant would have taken me ... [a million years] and cost me ... [a million dollars], not to mention all my ... [lost career opportunities] the isolation ... blah boringly blah.

Mr. S seems to think that I should be able to disregard my hurt and pain and just feel good for everyone else when good things happen to them. This would be the way a mature optimistic person would deal with my life and situation.

What happened to my angel wings? Did they never grow or have they slowly rotted off my back with every passing year of IF?

Total Kook

2006-11-20T14:44:00.000+11:00

I can’t remember ever crying before.

I’ve definitely never cried at the beginning of a cycle, over something trivial.

Is it the combination of a full month on BCP’s and the sniffing that does that? I’ve only ever had to take a week of BCP’s before.

‘It’s the drugs’ I sobbed to Mr. S. He looked concerned that there was more bothering me – our conversation was about when we want to buy a house.

I think it’s also the worry.

I can’t believe how tense I feel. My whole outlook is doom and failure. Oh yeah, did I also mention I don’t feel that rational either?

‘You need to start doing positive affirmations’, my friend said. She is about to give birth to her son – conceived via donor eggs.

‘Everyone has a guide, you need to start trusting and following yours'.
‘But I don’t know what my guide looks like, I've never seen my guide (Think my guide needs a compass and a map - after the journey I've been lead on these past four years?!)'
‘Well you need to spend five minutes everyday – meditating with a positive affirmation – I’m going to have a baby and I deserve it. Do you think you can do that’?
‘What – not even protect myself a little bit?’
‘No, forget feeling negative’.

How do you do that?

Expecting the worst – protecting myself from disappointment is how I’ve coped with all the negative results and set-backs. It’s also how I’ve been able to look ahead and have a Plan B. in place.

Start being positive and affirming that not only do I expect a positive result – but that I deserve it? What kind of selfish git would that make me? Also, what kind of fool would start living with that kind of hope? Only a fool that’s never hit the ground before.

Add into that the fact that I’m a total cynic when it comes to alterna-hippy stuff and when I’m rational I prefer to make sound common sense decisions.

I gave up reading horoscopes years ago. Actually I just read mine this weekend. Why is that?

Meanwhile in the last few days I’ve started practising breathing and affirming. The words kind of get jumbled, and I end up with fragmented sentences ‘ahem ... calm down ... don't be negative ... I'm trying to have a baby', not sure how affirming, but regulating my breathing is helping me sleep.

I’ve also got the number for a kinesiologist – apparently she works late week-nights.

Wake Up and Smell ?

2006-11-15T10:44:00.000+11:00

I toast you all with my first sniff this morning.

Now both Star and I are sniffing, and we are working to get both our cycles in sync.

At this point, we have no actual dates, in 10 days or so we will have blood tests to see if we are both suppressed.

Maybe then ... a timeline ...

The CF screen for Star is another factor.

Glamour Nurse from my SDD’s office was not happy that Nice Nurse from the clinic was ordering up blood tests without consulting her or SDD.

Millie was right, it takes two positive carriers to create any chance of passing the CF gene on. Mr. S. is negative – so regardless of Star’s results – positive or negative – there is no issue.

BUT it is apparently clinic policy to test all donor’s – regardless.

Nice Nurse from the clinic believes she can get the results back within two weeks – and that this will not affect our cycle.

Glamour Nurse said to me that if there is any messing around, my SDD will get on the phone and blow them up and make sure the cycle starts. (He’s away this week, she says if she rings him about this, it’ll make his blood boil and since the test has already been taken and so far it doesn’t look like there will be a problem – she’s going to wait till he gets back).

Mr. S. asked me last night if there is anything he can do (since I’m in constant touch with two different nurses, taking drugs, staying in touch with Star and making sure everything is good with her, trying to figure out the logistics, when to book her flights/accommodation ... and he is doing Jacksh**!!) -

‘Yes, try and help me so I don’t have too much to worry about’
‘Ahhh, what are all the things you’re worrying about?’
‘Umm, everything’

Only Fools Make Plans

2006-11-11T14:44:00.000+11:00

Of course we all know with IF nothing is ever going to go to plan, not an easy straight-forward plan anyway.

Nice Nurse from the clinic called to have an introductory chat, let me know I needed some extra blood tests (can’t even imagine what, she’s sending the paperwork out), paying the bill ... and the fact that Star also needs to have a couple of extra tests as well - including the Cy*tic Fibro*i* screen – the results of which take weeks.

Star will not be allowed to start stimming until that test has come thru, of course Nice Nurse has marked it super-urgent, so 'hopes' it won’t be a problem.

Mr. S. had this test earlier in the year and it took more than a month to come back.

‘Well we’re not due to start stimming for a few weeks anyway are we’?
‘No, but they won’t start at all until this test result is in, I’ve checked with the Top Brass and he will not budge’.

So, as she reminded me, it’s not a problem because Star and I can stay on Syn*rel indefinitely. YAY we could remain suppressed for months. Christmas closures looming.

Oh the other thing, she reminded me what I already knew, this test is expensive and our stupid Med*care won’t cover 1 cent of it. Pooh, yeah we know, we’ve already paid for one this year for Mr. S.

Other than that, it was great to chatting with her, this will be a whole new cycling experience - an actual specific donor nurse assigned to look after us. She told me that whenever either Star or I have a blood test, she will ring each of us to let us know how it went. Far out.

She said she’d spoken to Star (‘she’s so lovely!’) and gone over several things with her. Right now they were working out the closest Ultrasound clinic to Star for her to go ‘once things get going’. Good news: all the 'external from the clinic' ultrasounds will be covered by the cycle.

BTW I spoke to Star the other day to find out how she was enjoying the Syn*rel –

‘I was shocked the first time I sniffed how revolting it tasted, but now I’m okay’.

Memories aye ladies?

Oh, a couple of things, we are planning on transferring a Day 3 embryo. Confused? Yeah well Mr. S. and I discussed this long and hard, so here’s how we feel, it may seem a little schizophrenic.

While we were happy to go with blasts when we were cycling with my eggs, we are not happy to do that with someone so much younger. We know the risk of genetic abnormalities is someone young is low, as low as it can be. With me, we knew the chances were high (getting to the 50% mark if we were in the worst statistic), so while it was hard to lose the embryos we did, we figured we were potentially losing embryos that may have been damaged, and leaving ourselves with our best. With Star, we only want her to cycle once, so with the egg energy in a young donor and the low risk of genetic abnormality, we do not want to be losing embryos to the unknown factor - ‘could have made it in the uterus, but did not make it in the lab'.

Whaddyareckon about this logic?

Also, the privacy issue. I’ve discussed before that we intend to be open with everyone. Right now, what are we doing? We figure we’ve got bigger fish to fry - first priority - getting a positive result. We will deal with the rest when we have to - not until when we are well into a healthy pregnancy.

Right now, we’re a little scared and a little excited.

Another Day, Another Lie

2006-11-09T16:30:00.000+11:00

It’s one thing to be good at lying; it’s quite another thing to have to be.

This morning I invented a chiropractic appointment, because I was having a late start, meanwhile I’m seeing my SDD and getting the low-down on our cycle with Star.

‘Let’s get there early, maybe we can push in’ I say to Mr. S.

Half an hour later.

‘Just let me know when you’re ready to go’ I shout upstairs at the brick wall on the computer.

‘Hi, SDD’s ready for you’ the Glamour Nurse says to me as I walk in the door.

‘Okay, Mr. S is just putting money in the meter’.

As Glamour and I walk into the office, she’s asking me what day I’m on, while I’m trying to save a message on my mobile from my boss.

‘Put everything down, and let’s start going over the forms’ SDD advises. ‘Don’t worry about what day’.

Okay.

Mr. S. arrives and we speed through all the forms – privacy, permissions for research, hand over permission to each other to decide what to do with spare embryos in case of death (yikes!), and all the rest.

‘Any questions’?

‘Umm, so when you say you’ll only transfer one embryo, is that because of the risks with a multiple pregnancy?’

‘At Star’s age [have I mentioned her age = under 27?] the chances of twins is extremely high, and the knock-on to your health, the risks of premmie etc. we won’t do it, in fact, unless your donor was late thirties, regulations are going to be introduced for single embryo transfer’.

Me: ‘So in the event a fresh transfer doesn’t work and we were doing an FET – would that still be a single embryo transfer, I mean, we’ve spent the last 4 years on the wrong side of the odds?’

SDD ‘Yes, the chances of pregnancy are equal with a single embryo as with two, at your donors age, your chances of success are 56%’.

Me: ‘Okay, are we aiming for a certain number of eggs? I mean when I cycled, I was getting, 7, 10, 12 and 8 before everything went pear-shaped?’

SDD ‘For you this is a numbers game, for me, I am a doctor to three separate patients and my first responsibility is going to be for Star’s health, her ovarian performance is secondary’.

Okay, questions answered.

I am to start sniffing next Wednesday, and have been given a prescription to get filled for Prog*ynova.

‘Also, when you are successful, you will need a further prescription’. SDD informs us. He added that he would look after us until 8 weeks then refer us (if we wished) to an Ob.

At the front desk there was another flurry of forms being signed, duplicated and faxed.

Also, Glamour informed us the coordinator nurse at the clinic requires us to go over for an orientation and to pay our bill,

‘Keh? Don’t we pay once Star starts stimming’?
‘No, since she has started sniffing, they want payment very soon.’
‘No worries, do they take Am*Ex?’.

As Mr. S. and I check and double check we have all our cards, receipts and forms we head off to get to work.

As we were driving I say

‘It’s always seemed too weird to talk about what we would do when we needed an Ob; it seems strange to even think about that’.
‘Well what does everyone else do?’ he asks
‘Most of our friends, who got pregnant for free, just book in at the Birthing Centre and then have their babies there for free as well (with midwives). I could ask if they had Ob’s, but I couldn’t bear to have that conversation with anyone’.
‘No, I hate talking about all that shit’

Yeah, I’ve hated having to listen to all that shit for the last four years, let’s just wait till we need to know.

Cup Day Take 2

2006-11-08T11:56:00.000+11:00

Unlike Melbourne Cup Day 2005, MCD 2006 was fun!

Amazing isn't it, to be blogging the same event two years running - still IF, still no baby?

This year, guess what? No pregnant women around – out of the 50 or so people I went out to lunch with – not one, no belly rubbing or being roped into boring ante-natal class conversations!

There were a few men (including my boss!), whose wives are pregnant – but thankfully the wives were at home so they just got drunk.

We started lunch around 12.30pm and I walked out-the-door-backwards at around 7.30pm to head home.

Picked the winner, but unfortunately got greedy and went for a trifecta – so won nothing.

Of course, you never escape unscathed, I was asked the question towards the seedy end of the day, ‘do I want kids and when am I going to have them?’

These days I lie so easily it’s becoming, quite frankly, disturbing.

‘Yes of course I do, I want to have my own kids and I’d also like to adopt’.

Seamless, never skip a beat, it’s become effortless over the years ... they don’t have a clue (idiots, how many married women ‘of a certain age’ would still not be pregnant within 5 years of their marriage if they wanted kids?!).

On days like these, my experience in the entertainment biz pays dividends, I learnt very early on how to pace myself at boozy work functions. Being nice and social, but never getting so blind drunk I ‘spill my guts’ – it’s kept all my secrets intact.

Sometimes when I’m lying, I just look at the person I’m talking to and think to myself – ‘I hope this time next year I’m on maternity leave’. For some reason, this seems to bolster me up to keep the conversation and lies going.

Being at a loud boozy work function also meant that I didn’t hear my mobile ringing ... ringing ... ringing

On my way home in the cab (that some pig before me had puked out the door in) I picked up all my messages – the nurse from the doctors office trying to get hold of both me and Star.

A few texts and phone calls this morning, everything sorted.

Star started sniffing this morning ... Mr. S and I see the SDD in the morning and sign our final paperwork.

We are moving onto the next stage of our DE cycle.